Just what does it take to get a tan?! ARGH! My co-worker said I should lather on the SPF 30 sunscreen and lay out there for about 90 minutes; my front and my backside some 45 minutes each. I did just that on Saturday, but nothing! I guess that SPF is too high. I laid out there in my white Jockey briefs mind you and lathered up the Banana Boat lotion. And there I was in all my skinny glory. And the pool was packed on Saturday afternoon with all kinds of people from my complex. And then out came one of my hot neighbors to show off his nice bod and awesome tattoo on his back. He's got that Brazilian skin tone. DAMN HIM! Anyway, something tells me this method of mine is not going to work. Or maybe I gotta keep doing it every weekend? I was also reading about the dangers of some sunscreens and that many of them contain bad chemicals and that regular exposure to the sun is actually good for you because we all need that Vitamin D and sh*t, but I dunno what to believe anymore because there is so much contradictory information out there! I have honestly not been very outdoorsy since I was a child, and I am trying to be more sun friendly here as of late, but they freakin' scare me with the skin cancer warnings and severe aging horror stories! My mom says I should just be happy with the way God made me and embrace my pale vampiric pastiness. LOL! What kind of a pseudo Latino am I?! Must be that German or strong Spanish blood in my background.
This obsession with muscle in the gay community is starting to make me feel very inferior. But then again, heterosexual women are into muscled men nowadays too. GOD DAMN IT! WE SKINNY BOYS DESERVE LOVE TOO! Okay, it's not like I can't get my own fair share of nice-looking fellows, but STILL! These TRUE jocks don't even give me the time of day! At least not the ones here in L.A. But then again, this is Los Angeles mind you. Gay dudes here are really mean and narcissistic. Have you heard this all before? HAHA! But seriously, everyone claims they're out looking for love or that right guy, but we all have these really sick and twisted standards of what we should be physically attracted to and being picky out here is not an exception, but the norm! What about a guy's personality or character?! I blame the media for this! I really do. The magazine ads and TV and movies for giving us the standard athletic dudes that we all have to be like and only attracted to! I'm quite attractive and I'm quite lean also so there! And I got a pretty slammin' personality to go with it. Oh yeah, and I'm hung. LMAO! Ya know, this British kid is a bit boring, but he makes some excellent points about online dating and I do love his accent! LOL! We are often fooled by pictures of those we see in chat rooms and we would go for more average cute guys out in the real world if we didn't have the Internet and the media to dictate our preferences. Anyway, just listen to him:
I don't know where I will be in five years, but I certainly hope it isn't in the emotional quagmire I find myself in now.
My days of living a sexually hedonistic lifestyle are over. I'm older, wiser, more mature I guess, and my heart has been shattered. It sucks because never in a million years did I think I'd be so hurt, but here I f*cking am. Pathetic. Bruised. Battered. WHAT THA HELL HAPPENED?! ARGH! IT PISSES ME OFF TO NO END. Most dudes I now run into are not my physical type at all, because I keep thinking of the nice 6ft. 3, 195lbs white boy shell that I was so recently into, but so much for that right? He's got a new guy to entertain him and play with, and I was tossed like yesterday's newspaper. Gee, thanks. I should not be so superficial and enamored by looks, and I used to be a lot more forgiving, but I feel like I've been ruined forever into being more demanding that a guy be handsome, and in L.A. these are usually the narcissistic assholes! UGH!!! I feel so good to be alive! My self-esteem is brimming with endless joy! I walk outside into the sunlight and I just don't feel it shining at all really. I am looking for a new job so I can at least actively do something constructive while I mourn being awake, but whatever man. I'm just bummed out. The most down I think I have ever felt in all of my life. You talk about being humbled, crushed, dashed, and kicked to the curb! YIKES! If people want to tread on me and further kick a beaten man down, I'm not that hard to mess up at this point. I'm a husk of my former self! ACK! Everyone says I should be patient, and give it time so that I can properly heal, but I just don't see the light at the end of this sh*tty sewage tunnel. I think all this crying is going to begin aging me fast now. I know there are starving children in the world, but does that even register in my brain right now? NOPE.
Over the weekend, I was morbidly being entertained by this show called1000 Ways to Die on Spike TV. Fascinating stuff really. Stupid people dying in really embarrassing ways. Regardless of the way we go, WE GOTTA GO OKAY? I'll be f*cking honest and further make this awesomely joyous post even more happy: I really would not mind or care kicking the bucket at this point in time. I know I'm still a "young man with so many endless possibilities and hope" (GAG), but quite frankly, life is irritating the hell out of me! Why does everything take so much effort in this dimension?! Why do some have more than others?! WHAT IS THE GOD DAMNED POINT OF THIS DISGUSTING MESS?! At least I'm not bringing children into this world. That's a good thing. I'm helping with overpopulation and avoiding a new generation of humans the suffering that inevitably goes along with living. Or maybe everyone else is really happy and I'm the only one with the problem? AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAA!
Okay. That's all I can say for now. All my shrink wants to do is increase the dosage of my anti-depressant or gimme new stuff to further make me an addict.
Lady GaGa, you're the huge female pop star par excellence of the modern era, gimme some JOY at least in my otherwise pitiful existence:
Do you believe in karma? What goes around, comes around?
A concept we would like to believe in, due to the fact that there are some people out there that really go out of their way to hurt others. They say that even if you do something bad to another and are unaware of the damage you are causing, you will still pay for it eventually. WOW. We must be careful then and walk a fine careful line I suppose. I want to believe in divine retribution. I really do--for obvious recent reasons due to how I was lied to and manipulated by my former "caring and awesome" ex-lover. LOL! Jesus man. Someone bring this fool down from his phony pedestal already. I know, resentment and wishing others harm is not good and embitters and pollutes the soul, but damn it, I'd be lying if I wasn't honest in wishing REVENGE on this beast of a human being. When I go back and think about how he negatively expressed himself about his ex's, I now realize that all his relationships end on a sour note, not because his former lovers were the bad guys per se, but it's HIM-- HE'S the one that ultimately destroys and probably ruins it all. He's the negative toxic force that f*cks it all up. Why is it that I have never felt negatively about any of my former conquests? HMMM?! That's right, I know I'm not perfect and I can be hateful (when you wrong me), but I have never treated anyone with such blatant disrespect or have I emotionally played with someone's feelings to selfishly serve my own. I think karma is true after all, because I've seen it happen with my own mother, and those who have wronged her. Those folks did not end up well AT ALL. And call me cheesy or loco, but recent Bible passages have been popping up randomly ( I SWEAR) when I open the book that say those who look down on or mistreat others will suffer the Lord's revenge/wrath and be humbled. OH MY. We must be so very careful...
I'll be honest. I miss the old Lakers/Celtics rivalry of the 1980s. When Magic Johnson's team used to face Larry Bird's group. Those were the good ole' days and the exciting basketball of that era ("Showtime" as they called it) can never ever be duplicated. Granted, the Lakers are still a winning team and are again in the finals, but it's just not the same. I guess it is fun though to be able to go to my brother's place next door and watch the game with a bunch of crazy hooligan friends of his. HA! Boy does it get loud there. One of his friends is quite brave and is a Celtics fan, even though the fool has never even been to Boston! LMAO! HYSTERICAL! He's obviously in the minority at these current viewing parties.
I went hiking to Veterans Park in Sylmar Monday early evening. It is so nice out there. I had never been and it was well worth it. The mosquitoes attacked me though. EEK!
I found this incredibly interesting websitethat tells ya how much famous people are worth. Just type in your fav celeb's name in the search box and you'll see. Ya know, I'm obviously doing everything wrong, because it is shocking how much money these people make! Granted, I know visionaries like George Lucas (worth 3 billion) and Bill Gates (some 53 billion), have changed our culture and the world tremendously, but I still think the amount of money paid to these people and others for lesser contributions is just downright ridiculous! EGREGIOUS! Athletes making all that money for bouncing a ball, comedians for making people laugh, and fat Oprah for peddling her massive fake BS across the television airwaves. I know that these individuals become their own industries and generate jobs for many others in the process, but STILL! HOW MUCH MONEY DOES ONE PERSON NEED IN A LIFETIME?! IT IS BEYOND COMPREHENSION and it's killing me here folks! ARGH! The middle class in America is struggling and dwindling in the process, and our basic lame salaries don't seem to be keeping up with inflation at all. But politicians, movie stars, pop artists, and athletes are doing very well thank you. I gotta get into entertainment or some sh*t that is going to make me fabulously wealthy, because the longer I keep doing pointless boring office cubicle work that pays a mere pittance, the more worthless I feel! I know money is not true happiness nor does it mean my problems will all be magically solved, but if a reality TV show star douchebag like Spencer Pratt (worth 7 million), can generate that kind of cash for being completely useless and obnoxious in life, what tha hell am I struggling for then?! EEK! None of these people ever really have to work again. EVER. "Life is unfair WAT!" Uh huh, I keep getting reminded of this tremendously joyous fact. These folks also went for their dreams and did not let anything nor anyone stop them (like fear and procrastination which I have allowed to cripple me), so they deserve their earnings I suppose? Another bitter fact I have to swallow. And they struggled in the beginning and worked hard to get to where they are. Yes WAT, another slap to your face, so STFU!!!
Here's a small list of some really wealthy people who are filthy rich and I don't even know why they have so much damn money in the first place, but they do:
-Daniel Radcliffe, Harry Potter himself is worth $60 million dollars?! MY GOD!
-Michael Buble, the hit crooner of the moment, already has a net worth of 13 million and I'm sure it will only grow. UGH! He's awful!
-Sarah Palin has 12 million bucks! For being annoying and divisive.
-Rapper Jay Z is worth some 500 million, if not closer to a billion. His albums sell well, BUT WHY???!!!!
-Jerry Seinfeld hits it big with one successful sitcom (which is not easy), but yet he now has $350 million in the bank for this?! ARE YOU SERIOUS?!
-You don't really see that crazy but once effective actress Faye Dunaway as much anymore, but she doesn't care when she's already got $40 million stashed away. Bitch can look at her nails all day if she wants to and not give a damn.
-Robin Quivers sits in with Howard Stern every morning as his trusty sidekick and the bitch now has a fortune of $45 million. JESUS!
-George Lopez is decently funny, but is that enough to make him worth $75 million! HOW?!
-Dane Cook is so lame. I hate this guy's stand-up act. But he gets rewarded with $30 million for his retarded comedy. YIKES.
-Nancy Cartwright does the voice of Bart Simpson. A SIMPLE VOICEOVER JOB FOLKS. $60 million. Try and digest that one.
I could go on and on, and it makes me cringe and scratch my head. Yes, you can love what you do even if you entertain poorly, and STILL get paid handsomely for it. Imagine this concept. I'll try to sometime by visualizing this in my own head and making it a reality in my own life.
Someone recently wrote me a nasty hateful brutal comment stating I was sad, pathetic, and that I should just kill myself. Gee, thanks for the love, kindness, support, and suicidal encouragement! I hate to agree with them, but they're probably right on the sad and pathetic part. LOL! I'm just not the same person anymore nor do I think I ever will be. I look in the mirror now, and it's as if my eyes have lost their soul or any remaining joy I may have once had about life. Unrequited blind love with a narcissistic dude (who once boasted that he makes lots of money), has left me so broken; I don't see my sobbing ever abating, as it happened yet again Sunday night into Monday morning that I cried profusely once more. I know, I'm like a scratched record and I'm constantly repeating myself here, but it's what's going on, so there. If I overdo alcohol or pot, it just makes me bawl even more, so I can't even escape with substance abuse! UGH! If I had Harry Potter's millions, I could get away from it all and feel a bit better I'm sure with some financial security. Alas, I have to grin and bear my pain/my misery on my own and although I have had wonderful true support from kind friends and my dear roommate mother looks at me with earnest pity and concern, it's still lonely me that has to go to bed at night with this severe painful emotional hole in my heart. ♪ "Sometimes I wish I'd never been born at all..." ♫ Yes Freddie Mercury, I think you were right. Most days, I don't wanna be awake and just sleep. Simply sleep...
How was my Memorial Day you ask? Well, decent I suppose:
Just what does it take to get a tan?! ARGH! My co-worker said I should lather on the SPF 30 sunscreen and lay out there for about 90 minutes; my front and my backside some 45 minutes each. I did just that on Saturday, but nothing! I guess that SPF is too high. I laid out there in my white Jockey briefs mind you and lathered up the Banana Boat lotion. And there I was in all my skinny glory. And the pool was packed on Saturday afternoon with all kinds of people from my complex. And then out came one of my hot neighbors to show off his nice bod and awesome tattoo on his back. He's got that Brazilian skin tone. DAMN HIM! Anyway, something tells me this method of mine is not going to work. Or maybe I gotta keep doing it every weekend? I was also reading about the dangers of some sunscreens and that many of them contain bad chemicals and that regular exposure to the sun is actually good for you because we all need that Vitamin D and sh*t, but I dunno what to believe anymore because there is so much contradictory information out there! I have honestly not been very outdoorsy since I was a child, and I am trying to be more sun friendly here as of late, but they freakin' scare me with the skin cancer warnings and severe aging horror stories! My mom says I should just be happy with the way God made me and embrace my pale vampiric pastiness. LOL! What kind of a pseudo Latino am I?! Must be that German or strong Spanish blood in my background.
session with muscle in the gay community is starting to make me feel very inferior. But then again, heterosexual women are into muscled men nowadays too. GOD DAMN IT! WE SKINNY BOYS DESERVE LOVE TOO! Okay, it's not like I can't get my own fair share of nice-looking fellows, but STILL! These TRUE jocks don't even give me the time of day! At least not the ones here in L.A. But then again, this is Los Angeles mind you. Gay dudes here are really mean and narcissistic. Have you heard this all before? HAHA! But seriously, everyone claims they're out looking for love or that right guy, but we all have these really sick and twisted standards of what we should be physically attracted to and being picky out here is not an exception, but the norm! What about a guy's personality or character?! I blame the media for this! I really do. The magazine ads and TV and movies for giving us the standard athletic dudes that we all have to be like and only attracted to! I'm quite attractive and I'm quite lean also so there! And I got a pretty slammin' personality to go with it. Oh yeah, and I'm hung. LMAO! Ya know, this British kid is a bit boring, but he makes some excellent points about online dating and I do love his accent! LOL! We are often fooled by pictures of those we see in chat rooms and we would go for more average cute guys out in the real world if we didn't have the Internet and the media to dictate our preferences. Anyway, just listen to him:
