Over dinner Monday night, my mother had to ruin the moment by saying how horrified she was when our new tenant/roommate showed her pictures of himself in drag. She said, "Qué feo sentí cuando lo vi vestido de mujer," which translates to, "I felt horrible seeing him dressed up like a woman." I told my mother that although I myself, do not like to dress up as woman, that everyone has a right to express themselves or do what they please as long as they hurt no one. Then she had to go into the stupid ass topic she likes to bring up from time to time about whether being gay is genetic or learned, and she just HAD to question it once again. I dunno why I even bother discussing the issue with this woman; she makes me mental, and she pretends or just refuses to understand the concept. Then she has the audacity to say, "Si de veras quiere alguien cambiar, puede hacerlo pidiéndole a Dios, y yo tengo fe de que te voy a ver con una muchacha bonita y con hijos, porque quiero nietos," which means, "If someone really wants to change (their sexuality), they can do it by asking God, and I have faith that someday I shall see you with a pretty girl and you'll have kids, 'cause I want grandchildren." I was so offended/insulted and quickly had to halt my beloved mother's ridiculous statements by leaving the dinner table, and saying to her that she really had not accepted and was ashamed of me as a son, even ten years later after knowing the truth about me. I love my mother very much, but she obviously does not love me, and am very disappointed by her recent comments. Backward Hispanic ideas which make me wanna throw the whole entire ethnic group into a boiling pot of water really.
There was a massive cyclone in Southeast Asia that officials are saying has killed at least 50,000 people. I can't even imagine those immense numbers. There's also this volcano spewing ash in Chile, which is actually kind of cool when you see it in pictures. Almost looks like a nuclear war went off or something! I keep hearing how Hillary's just gotta step aside and concede the nomination to Obama, but do ya really think homegirl is going to give it up so easily? She's stubborn and will fight to the bitter end. This f**king campaign has been long enough, and I wish it'd all be over really! I'm on page 537 of Don Quixote; I have finished the first part and am now to begin the second part of the book which is another 600 or so pages long. Aren't you proud of me? Took me five months to get here! HEE! "To dream, the impossible dream..."A good summary and awesome pics of the Bette Davis event I attended last week are to be found here.
14 comments:
Sorry about your mom. I know a thing or two about having backward hispanic relatives, so I know in part where you're coming from. I'm not a lesbian, but if I were my family would go insane. I have about six or seven gay male cousins and my aunt is ok with them. But when we bring up the topic of lesbianism (my cousin, her daughter happens to be in the closet bisexual) she freaks out and claims she wants nothing to do with one. Sigh. It's funny how people can be so open minded about something and closed minded about everything else.
I don't think my mom is comfortable that I am gay but she doesn't say anything about it. Its one of those don't ask don't tell things I guess. Its so annoying when people would always tell me to turn to GOD to help me overcome this "learned" behavior. They just don't get it that when I was struggling with my sexuality, I got on my knees everyday and begged to be normal/straight and I never got an answer or any help from above with that.
Be yourself! That's all that matters and if people can't accept who you are it's their loss.
Some heavy stuff here my friend. I will venture to posit that your mom does love you but the issue of sexuality is one that she can't really, honestly wrap her mind around. It is difficult to understand, especially if you were brought up to think a certain way. You are in a position to educate her a little at a time through patience and love. It sucks that the ones who are judged always seem to have to be the ones that remain patient and loving but there it is. Projekt's comment is so great. I don't know many gay men who would 'choose' to be gay, at least not initially, since being straight is so much easier in this world.
I have actually Met your mother and Found that she was a very very nice Lady. I believe she, Along with many of our mothers, Do not want to face what is right infront of them. When My mom found out she cried for a month. I decided we needed space and moved to a new state. Now I'm not suggesting you move out of your own home, but realise that the two of you see each other every day and perhaps by pressing on you the beliefs that she has maybe you will consider sharing her views. Like my mother If she saw that you were truly happy and living your life with someone special perhaps she would leave the topic alone. After all, All parents want to see that their kids have everything they did. For your mom, thats probably a happy family with Kids.
But if she keeps on hounding you, then just tell her, Like I told My Mom, When you get old I'm sending you to the Cheapest Old Folks Home I can Find. I bet she'll leave you alone then
Love Blake Stone
About your mom...I'm not sure it's so much a "hispanic thing" as a "generational thing". And a "not MY son" thing. I don't think you should doubt for a minute that she loves you...of course she does. But she certainly may never understand you. Us straight folk will never have a clue what it's like to hide a fundamental part of yourself for years and then try and figure out your place in society once you face your truth. As much as you are frustrated, and you damned well have a right to be, understand that she's frustrated too because she just. cannot. relate, and will probably never be able to. But she's still your madre and I'm assuming a Catholic one, and they know a thing or two about laying on the guilt. She's only doing what comes naturally to her. ;-)
As for the "asking God" to get rid of your sexual preference...whether you're born with it or not (to be honest, I personally feel some gay people ARE born that way, some people are not...but that's another Oprah show we can watch together sometime)...God's not a frickin' band-aid, for the love of Pete. *rolling eyes* Don't get me started.
I'm gonna shut up now.
Hi baby... I watched my family go through the same thing w/ both my aunt and my uncle... my mothers 2 out of 7 siblings. It is heartwrenching. I mean... WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? And, truly, what does it matter if they were 'born' that way or if they 'became' that way? Our life is OUR choice. Besides, I think choosing to be gay is a very very rare percent. Who would choose to be apart of a group that has one of the highest teen suicide rates, etc.???
Things are all good now... everyone excepted in the family as well as their partners... but, for my Papa(Italian grandpa) it was a rough ride. He was very concerned about his children "going to hell". YUK...makes me sick to even type that ;-(
What I've come to realize is that unconditional love is either a rare and precious commodity or truly non existent. Although I do feel uncoditionally loved by both my parents.
I often hope that if I ever have a child and that child is gay - that they came into the world w/ someone like me who will love them regardless. PLUS, I really hope if I have a son he IS gay... I need someone to go shopping with!
I love and accept you and will pray that your mother will do the same someday!
I say when June rolls around and same sex marriages become legal, we should get married and see what your mom does.
Da Pooch
"Backward Hispanic ideas which make me wanna throw the whole entire ethnic group into a boiling pot of water really...There was a massive cyclone in Southeast Asia that officials are saying has killed at least 50,000 people"
I love this segway.
Aye! I'm so glad I have cool parents. They may have had some issues way back when, but got over it. They're very accepting of people and their lifestyles. And, besides, they've got ten grandchildren so I don't need to give them more!
I had a neighbor like your mom, she just had to bring things up from time to time because , well maybe she felt frustrated or something would set her off (Like seeing that guy in drag set your mom off) Also, religious people are always yammering on on they fuel the fire with people like your mom. My neighbor would say "I'm outspoken" but to be honest she was just rude and sometimes kind of mean, but she'd announce she was honest and all that crap then start her rudeness. I have a hard time believing people are still having problems with the concept of gay, especially since I live in a very Lesbian friendly town. There are plenty of gay men here too, but it is a place where Lesbian couples buy homes and settle down, open businesses and can feel comfortable --but partly due to strength in numbers. In this day and age there shouldn't be lesbian friendly towns and unfriendly ones, and "just barely tolerant ones" you know? It seems so stupid to me.
Sadly, it's backwards [insert group here] thinking. Welcome to my parents with their backwards southern views.
Sorry you have to continue listening to it, though.
Try this tactic next time, if you want some fun times: when she tells you god will change you if you want it, ask her if she's asked for a new car lately, or to win the lotto and then how it's worked out for her.
oh I'm so sad to hear that your mom has these views.... I 'praying' that she chooses to change her attitude and accept that you are who you are. and that your happiness is the most important thing!
twenty years ago when one of my best friends came out to his parents (background heavy duty italian catholic) he was expecting his mother would accept the news and his father would have a very hard time. in fact what he experienced was the opposite.
I knew his parents very well, my friend has no sisters (just one brother) because we were such good friends, his mom adopted me as a fictive daughter (I think because her son and I were so close and she adored my daughter who was just a wee little lass at the time.) my friend agonized about coming out for years to his family and eventually he did. after my friend came out, his mom called me up to to grieve over the news and she mentioned the same disappointments ('pretty girl and grandchildren' - what's it with mothers wanting pretty girls for their sons) anyhow, I listened a lot and although not my place to counsel her, I did (nothing special just talked about her love for her son, difference, etc) ....I don't know if what I said helped (I doubt it) or that time heals all, or given that eventually my friend met a life partner who helped his mother realize that her son's happiness was the most important thing. and that what he is isn't a 'choice' but is what he is.
in time, all of the vestiges of her grief and homophobia have disappeared.
hugs, I love you bro and I know in time your mom will come around. for now, be patient and be yourself - she loves you and sometimes it just takes her getting past what she wants (and hey grandchildren aren't necessarily out!)
I'm so sorry that your mom's behavior makes you feel unloved. No matter how old we are, it's a natural tendency to seek approval from our parents. When she withholds it, it feels like her love is conditional. I believe your mom does love you - she is just trying to force her idea of what your life should be. I really hope that someday she sees what a wonderful person you are, and be happy that she produced an intelligent and caring individual. Until then, try to be comforted that many people love and admire you just the way you are. I'm one of those people.
I thank you all for the overwhelming response to this post. Great words, kind sentiments, and amazing advice.
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