THE SADDEST PLACE ON EARTH.

This blog used to be more entertaining and carefree, when all I did was bitch about my job once in a while and focused on useless fun facts and info. Lately, it's become the saddest place of them all; I was doing a bit better with regards to my recent heartbreak which has hit me worse than the death of a loved one ever did...

And then my co-worker whom I thought was a trustworthy confidante (more proven toxicity at work) spills the beans to me last week that he'd been secretly corresponding with my ex-lover and told him everything I was going through, detail by detail. WHY IN THA HELL WOULD HE DO SOMETHING SO RIDICULOUSLY STUPID?! MEDDLESOME IDIOT DUMBASS OF THE FIRST KIND!!! He had no business or right to intrude with someone he does not even know or ever will meet in person! I demanded a full transcript of their conversation. Thanks for stroking the narcissist's ego, thanks for making him enjoy my misery, thanks for helping bring me down again. Everyone says my co-worker meant well, but I dunno anymore. What he did was horrible. It has re-opened my wound and sobbing is the only thing I seem to be doing once again. He went out of his way to find the demon on Facebook and email him my recent sorrows, severe depression, and all the horror-- IN EXPLICIT COLORFUL DETAIL. None of my misery was spared, for the soulless coward to enjoy and to help elevate his monstrous imagined grandiosity. And my once trusted confidante (big mistake on my part) even goes out of his way to wish the f*cktard success in his new relationship and a Happy Easter! HAPPY F*CKING EASTER! UGH! The f*cktard replied with the following exact words:

Thank you for the email. I am very sad to hear that WAT is having such a hard time. I appreciate you letting me know. I have not been in contact with WAT for some time now, but I did tell him last week that I was seeing someone else. i felt like it was the right thing to do. I know how he feels about me and I unfortunately have not felt the same way about him. I do care about him and really want him to be happy. I know that the only thing I can do is to leave him alone, which is what I already have been doing. I probably should not have told him that I have a new boyfriend. I thought it would help him, rather than hurt him. I guess I was wrong.

Please take care of him. He is a very sweet and wonderful person and I want him to get well, meet someone new and be happy. He has a lot to offer someone. I feel really awful about all of this. I never meant to hurt him. I am glad that he has friends like you to take care of him.

I am sad that I have played a part in this...

best regards,

SATAN

What a loving nice man right?! Sure. I don't buy his fake concern for one minute. At all. He doesn't even know how to lie the phony piece of narcissistic sh*t. It would help me to hear of your new boyfriend when you told me originally you didn't wanna date ANYONE?! F*CK YOU AND DIE. I did get a text some two weeks ago wishing me well from the incubus, but now I know why; thanks to the secret corresponding and some possible guilt he may have felt! UGH! UGH! But trust me, this lying self-serving egomaniacal monster is as fine, cool, and collected as ever. Such a hot shell, such a nice-looking dude he is, and so polluted and vapid inside. Makes me wonder why I'm so superficial in the first place, but then again, I'm not ugly and all I really want is a cute one with a good heart. Good luck with that right?

I don't think I will ever stop crying anymore. It's happening at work now too. It's so much f*cking fun, I tells ya. My friends are right. I really am the Cowardly Lion from The Wizard of Oz. I am that character. I have no strength, no true courage, no balls to face something like this head on. I'm just mushy, messed-up, and broken inside. This is why I have avoided all this relationship mess for years, because somehow I knew I was too sensitive for this sh*t, and I was rightfully protecting myself.

And then comes August of 2009, and my world is negatively changed forever. I don't know how much longer I can withstand this nightmare. "Get over it!" "Don't let this control or have power over you!" I've heard it all, and yet I can't seem to heal. I feel terribly lonely and worthless.

If the people who truly genuinely care for me are worried, imagine how I feel...

ON TOXICITY.

So, due to my recent broken heart and job burnout, I had actually taken six weeks off of work. That's right. I had to withdraw and suffer in private. Oh how I have cried. And cried. And cried like a pussy bitch. But I've mentioned this already haven't I? LOL! I lost over ten pounds while on sabbatical which I have now almost regained thankfully. My recent paychecks were not that bad either; I didn't lose that much money, so going out on psychiatric batshit crazy leave was a very good and sane decision.

Coming back to work though has been an INSANE decision. HAHA! Granted it keeps me distracted and I get to see some cool co-workers who are very nice to me and all, but I also have come back to realize how truly toxic some of my colleagues really are. Y'all know that my mother lives with me and all right? The narcissist asshole that recently drained me of my soul practically; he said that I had to move out on my own and let mother fend for herself. Granted, being more independent would be cool and all for me, but my mom is like a my roomie, as we both contribute nicely to the upkeep of this household. Besides, that piece of amazing wisdom-filled advice (GAG), was coming from a douchebag who hates his own mother and who has a serious horrible personality disorder, so it's worth sh*t.

Yesterday at work, a secretary there decided to push some more of my buttons with regards to my mother being my roomie: This 40-something Mexican woman says I was lucky to be able to take time off, because "my mom supports me." WHAT A F*CKING RAG! MY MOTHER SUPPORTS ME?! "Oh, she cooks for you, does your laundry..." Um, whose money bought the place we live in? Who contributes half or more sometimes to the household? I mean, she is my mom and all, but we're both active contributing roommates really. WHAT A LOUSY COMMENT FROM THIS WOMAN! She's married to an abusive alcoholic and one of her two daughters is anorexic, requiring serious hospitalization recently, so no wonder this bitch is upset at life and has to make such a catty comment at me. As if I live for free and my mother hands me free cash! I WISH! I GO TO THAT FAB JOB I LOVE BECAUSE I KNOW MOMMY IS GONNA GIMME A NICE ALLOWANCE IN THE END RIGHT?! AS IF YOU C*NT!

Envy. Only someone who is bitter and envious can say these things to me.

I have other toxic people I work with too. I think I may go for a transfer of office soon. I don't like my supervisors anyway. I need new fresh tyrannical dictators to watch over me! LOL! But I should be GRATEFUL to have this job right? UGH! If I hear that just one more time... Get with the program WAT. Update that resume baby. Start networking and actively looking. Nine years of this BS is enough!

My mom's former employer is DEAD. They took her off life support yesterday. EEK. All that money. All that fabulous wealth. And yet she was often miserable. Oh boy. Gimme some good cash! See how miserable I am! SPAIN HERE I COME! My condolences go out to her family, her grown kids and all. She was in her late sixties I believe.

My ex-narcissist said, "We all have to die, but it matters only how we live!" Wise advice. Wish he'd follow it. BASTARD LAME ASS RETARD. Another toxic idiot.

I've used very bad insults in this post. But I feel better now. Maybe this blog and the writer himself are toxic! LOLOL!

No, I'm really quite cool. I just express what I feel and am shockingly truthful. Why sugarcoat it? Just hold my hand please...

A shout out to my brother in Georgia.

GIMME SOME NOVACAINE.

Hello and thank you to anyone who is actually taking the time to read these words. My enemies/foes and those envious of me are probably enjoying my recent troubles. So be it.

I went to the dentist this week after three years. Actually, I went to my original doc about two weeks ago, but he was trying to do really stupid expensive unnecessary work on me, and I detected this early on, so I had to go in for a second opinion to a new dentist which turned out cheaper and much more sensible. I have excellent hygiene as usual, but my enamel is sadly weak; probably due to my incredibly GREAT diet, genes, and amazing optimistic view of life! LOL! Whatever. They drilled the upper right side of my jaw and worked on three deep cavities Tuesday afternoon. That was so much f*cking fun! I have to give credit to my new Russian dentist though; a truly nice sweet man with a gentle hand. Two hours of open-mouthed excitement. UGH. I vow never to have a cavity again in my life. EVER. I shall brush, floss, or chew sugarless gum after every meal or drink from now on. I SWEAR. I don't like these barbaric methods of dentistry I tells ya. Granted, at least it's not 1600s dental technology, but STILL! I have temporary fillings right now, but will get nice custom-made natural-looking permanent inlays in about two weeks.

Monday night, I went to karaoke, and drank a bit way too much. So much in fact, that alcohol did its terrific job of depressing me enough to the point of making me cry like a child. YES! It felt so f*cking good to shed emotional gut-wrenching tears again! It'd been about a week since I last broke down so severely over my recent mistreatment at the hands of that heartless human, but there I was at the bar watching others sing and I had to run to the restroom a couple of times to pathetically weep. But then it got too much for me to bear, so off to my parked car I went to continue my unabated suffering. Listen folks, never in my whole life, have I cried and cried and cried so much like I have in the last few weeks, and my car seems to be the spot where it happens worst of all. Only the good Lord above knows what personal emotional misery I have been through. I'm not any more special or a bigger victim than other souls who have endured or are going through worse, but it feels so awful and so lonely during those moments, that I do feel like the saddest most abandoned person on the planet. Have you ever felt like this? I'm sure you have. We all have. Oh life, can't you just be fun and games? Hedonistic joy? Why must you torment me with these ridiculously sad tragic-feeling moments? I hate my job, I hate having loved a worthless evil man that has nearly shattered me, and...

And yet, and YET, I still have hope that the best years of my life are just ahead, despite recent setbacks. I shall cling to all I can, for I'm not finished yet. I AM NOT. However, I can only deal with and bear so much, and I hope to never reach a point of no return. Folks, I ain't gonna leap off a cliff anytime soon, but do I get why people make an exit out of here by their own hand? YOU BET I DO.

MGMT is amazing. I love these boys:

SWIMMING THROUGH LIFE.

A massive breakthrough in the last two days! I have not cried once. NOT ONCE! HOLY MOLE! Am I finally over that jerk-off narcissistic selfish *sshole and getting stronger emotionally?! OH MA GOODNESS! PROGRESS! YES!!! I just wish I'd won that huge lottery jackpot on Tuesday to make it all sweeter...

And so, my wonderful zany crazy friends in Hollywood who always open up their humble apartments to me; they've entertained and kept me pleasantly distracted recently. Case in point: I never learned how to officially swim okay (due to a bad incident when I was around 4), but would you believe my bud from Kentucky got me to actually paddle and navigate myself through a good portion of the pool this week all on my own?! OH MY GOD! THIS IS AMAZING! And my other bud (the "Hungarian" from Kansas), told me I have to just drop my head into the water more, hold my breath longer, and give in. I must tell you, it takes a lot out of me right now; it exhausts me quick because I am still very clumsy, struggling, and fighting my fear of the water, but all told I think I have done something quite remarkable and unheard of for me this week. Just a tad bit sore there with my arms and legs, but now I am excited and determined to continue learning to swim!! WOW! I'm thrilled and feel like something really cool has happened here! Oh, for an easily depressed soul like myself and the added sadness of the last few weeks, this is a wonderful achievement/accomplishment.

A car bomb that did not go off in New York City! Greece in economic shambles! A horrendous oil spill in the Gulf! The U.S. economy sucking major donkey penis still! I want to believe in an optimistic future for myself and all those good folk out there who inhabit this awesome planet, but I wonder--I really wonder where we are headed as a civilization. Humans are amazing creative geniuses at times, but as a collective whole, we are a parasitic and destructive species. What a strange and utterly ironic dichotomy!

I don't know as of this posting, the status of my mother's former employer, but she was involved in a terrible car crash on Saturday I believe, which has left her with severe injuries and in a coma, but please pray for her. This woman has known tremendous wealth and was not very nice towards my mom (almost despotic really) and fired her cruelly after years of dedicated amazing service, but here this rich woman now lies in a hospital. Folks, please send her good vibes. This is a sad story indeed. It proves the point, that not even money will save anyone from a true crisis such as this. It is quite humbling indeed. My mom says Mrs. S was never happy, always bitter, and upset, despite living in a beautiful home and having it all it seems! Go figure. The time we are allotted in our mortal physical shell is truly brief.

Saturday should be fun. Betty White, our beloved little American treasure is hosting Saturday Night Live! The ratings should be tremendous: