Monday, April 19, 2010

HERE WE F*CKING GO AGAIN.

Writing about this experience purges me and hopefully helps warn anyone out there to never fall into a relationship of any kind with these heathens! Do go to each and every one of my links in this post! They are A MUST I TELLS YA!

It used to be so easy to just come and blog about current events or silly entertainment news, but the events in my private/personal life recently
as YOU ALREADY KNOW have left me changed irrevocably and forever. SCARRED AND SCARED FOR LIFE. Yes, I know I keep talking about it ad nauseum and some of you are ready to hang yourselves, so if you've had it, click away and go visit your Facebook page NOW. See how easy I make it for some of you? LOL! But if you're still with me and can bear to read yet once more how many tears I have shed over THE NARCISSIST, then read on: I have cried and cried and cried and cried and CRIED. My head hurts, I can't stop re-playing the painful things said to me, and they're now conveniently with someone new! YES! A NEW VICTIM FOR THIS EMOTIONAL VAMPIRE TO FEED OFF OF AND ABUSE! How f*cking charming! Without any remorse as to what has been done to me or the others that fell for your false self! When I feel I am truly missing him, I just have to go and read this astonishingly amazing article to strengthen and remind me once again of the true EVIL I have just escaped. There are poor souls out there that end up marrying these psychopaths or have really long-term relationships only to find out that these sewer rats never felt love for them AT ALL, but wanted someone to cater to their every need; and in the process the loving victim that has given their all is left psychologically f*cked up for life. Perhaps this was my saving grace, because no matter how much I cared for my narcissist, I always stood my ground and pointed out his selfishness, his ego, and eventually his disorder. He must have hated that and saw me as a threat somehow, and even though I am deeply hurting because I genuinely loved him, it could've been so much worse had I truly TRULY been blind, so he had to drop me. Get it I hope? 7 months of dealing with this incubus was not THAT long, but enough to make me feel like crap as you can obviously already tell.

And an even more interesting aspect of this story is discovering why I would even have ever fallen for someone like this in the first place! Well wouldn't you know that years after his death I can clearly now confirm that my very own father was without a doubt the most vile twisted narcissist I have ever known!!! YES! That man that we all mourned, for getting shot in some sort of a bank assault in the old country some 9 years ago was the most selfish, egomaniacal, emotionally and physically abusive bastard to any and all the women and children he left behind. In speaking to my beloved mother this week, she reiterated the horrors that dear old dad put her through (many that I witnessed), simply because she loved him so much. And when you tell one of these lowlives you love them, prepare to be treated like shit. And so, what kind of a male role model did I truly have growing up? Yes, it was this monster, who is thankfully now DEAD. I can't believe I would ever find myself saying something like this, but after everything he put us and all those around him through, it only makes perfect sense. My mother's mother (grandma) may have also been a narcissist, but I have to yet to go back in time and my childhood with her to truly analyze her behavior, although she was a nutcase bitch with us, but a charm with everyone else that did not know her well enough, something narcissists are very good at.

So you see folks: the true muck of my past--my disgusting dysfunctional family background, and recent events with the demon I loved, are all being finally exorcised out my system, serving to make me one giant emotional psychological wreck as of late.

And yet ironically, writing/exposing it all out here for you to read, feels truly quite liberating. I welcome and thank any and all of you for your comments recently and with this post as well...

7 comments:

RG said...

Well, someone has unloaded both barrels of his rhetorical shotgun today! Good for you.

mkf said...

see, this is why i asked you in an earlier comment if this was the first time you'd fallen for one of these types.

you said it was, but i didn't believe you. turns out i was right--there was one before this guy.

i asked the question because healthy people never fall for narcissists, wat--they tend to turn tail and run at the first sign of that user-bullshit.

wounded people, on the other hand? this guy's game triggered those same old wounded-child emotions that had festered in you since childhood--you couldn't win your dad's love, but maybe you could make it be different this time around.

your saving grace was that you were able to summon the inner cojones to not give in completely--and you're right, that's why he dumped you.

don't let this experience close the open book of your heart, babe--just be watchful. remember that patterns established early will always affect us most strongly, which in your case means that you're susceptible to this type.

[another way of putting it: in the future, whenever you meet a guy that makes you suddenly start to melt in spite of yourself, just stop and look real carefully at why.]

but you know what? i think you've mostly managed to figure all this out for yourself, and in a pretty goddam healthy way--points for that.

Armando said...

Bananer Fuck that bitch ass mother fucker. Next time I'm in Cali and if we happen to see him you can accidentally point the PUTO out. I would gladly stomp his gray or grey matter all over the sidewalk. I love you bro remember that and I never shed a tear or wasted my time on a worthless piece of shit like the sperm donor. Latez

WAT said...

: Damn, u look mean in that pic bro. LOLOL! Um, as time goes on, the narcissist will continue to self-destruct on his own. No need to recur to violence. He threw a true gem away.

Ladrón de Basura (a.k.a. Junk Thief) said...

Well written and well researched with the links. I was in a similar relationship for FIVE YEARS being the one doing all the giving to a heartless, soulless jerk who knew which buttons to push and cared for no one but himself. That was eleven years ago, and I can still get mad about it. And you always ask why I don't smile in photos?

dean said...

Have I been away that long? You have had a full blown relationship, and broken up, and it was quite messy apparently too. Sorry to hear about that WAT. I had a similir heart break inthe fall...but not with a Narcissist. He was a pussy, who was afraid o be honest. Anyway, I am sorry Wat. That sucks.

Gary said...

It is interesting to make these connections and begin to purge. Otherwise, it seems that these themes keep repeating. Glad that you are beginning to heal and get it out. Also, you have some pretty insightful commentary here. I am sure that helps as well.