WARNING: THIS POST MAY BE A BIT DEPRESSING, BUT THERE'S HOPE IN THE END!

I watched this movie Shortbus, and I have mixed feelings about it. On one hand, it was a fun hardcore almost XXX porn-caliber sexfest, on the other, it was a confusing poorly-acted and depressing motion picture. I loved the actor/writer/director John Cameron Mitchell in Hedwig and the Angry Inch, but this Shortbus movie was not all that; really found the Asian woman character kind of annoying. The film left me empty, sad, and very down due to one of the gay male characters in the film actually attempting to end his own life . UGH. The last thing I need to feel really. I was recommended this film by others who made it sound fun; I didn't expect it to be so dreary as well. I think I may have identified way too much with the character James in the film.

No need to be alarmed or concerned good people. I'm not going to kill myself. Thought about how I would go about doing it once-in-a-while (haven't we sickeningly all?), but I don't have the guts to do it. At least not at this point in my life, and hopefully never, although there is something strangely heroic/fascinating about being able to determine one's own end. I'm still young, relatively healthy, and decently good-looking--I do have a lot to live for, although my current job, certain responsibilities, and my anxiety disorder really leave me feeling down sometimes. I almost feel frustrated and ready to break down many days. Life is wonderful, yet so sucky at times. I really wish I didn't feel so miserable like I often do. Yeah yeah, I'm going to be seeing a new therapist soon, so at least I'm taking some sort of action, although not as much action as I feel I should be taking. No children for me in this life; definitely not now at least! Jesus, I'm a child myself still, that needs lots of nurturing and understanding.

Whatever man. I have to make major life decisions within the next 5 years. Although I do have a lot to be grateful for, there is a lot that is really bringing me down. I want the simplest life possible, and I often feel I don't have this--I have too many financial responsibilities and am helping other family members in the process. It's time I became selfish. I want to live a purely hedonistic life. Surround myself with as many of life's pleasures as possible. If I can finally earn a living someday soon doing something that I truly love, then I think life will be less of a chore.

In the end, I pray to God to help me. I do believe he is listening to me somehow. As much as the world seems to be going to hell quicker than my penis going into a butthole, there is hope I believe. Despite the fact that I'm mortal and that all this bullshit seems meaningless and utterly pointless, my existential side cracks under optimistic hope in the end. I had a dream not too many nights ago, where I actually heard God's voice say to me, "Son, as sad as you often feel, and as meaningless as much of existence seems to you, there is a point to this all, and an essence that will continue even after you die." That was nice to hear.

Onward to my ultimate goal in this life: Complete and utter blissful hedonism!

Maybe this was a good freakin' movie!

Sure has me feeling its effects hours after!