Ah yes, another ordinary Thursday by most standards, but in my life, nothing is ordinary anymore.
I feel a burst of hope, a sense of something big on the horizon (no, not my penis), and I am very much pleased with the sense of accomplishment so far. I’m on the verge of turning 31, and I have never ever in my entire life felt this much sense of control and confidence in myself. It’s as if anything and everything is possible now. This is something I never could have imagined or even considered back when I was 25 even!
The anxiety disorder which so plagued me for years is not something I let get to me as much anymore. I do have my fair share of panic attacks and scary moments, but I’ve learned to live with them and control them as best possible. My emotional demons, which were numerous during most of my 20’s have not entirely vanished, but do not rule my existence as they once did. I feel a sense of fulfillment with my life that I can honestly say I never ever did before. For so many years, it was a dark, lonely, scary, frightening, and insecure world for me. God, when I look back and think about it, I really had some serious emotional problems there. It almost brings me to tears to see how deeply f**ked up I was and how long a way I’ve come. How I didn’t kill myself, God only knows. By his grace…
Most people wouldn’t know it or hell, even believe it, but it was a long hard emotional road to get to where I am now. I thought for awhile there I was going to go crazy. To have this stable (sometimes boring) but decent job, a nice car, good friends, and lots of hope to move ahead, is really quite miraculous. I am seriously considering going into teaching so the road back to school is a ‘comin’ soon! The motivation to do something more with myself is certainly there. I am not entirely perfect in my life right now by any means. My one and only true romantic personal relationship barely hangs on, and not because of me. I am not a good boyfriend in the monogamous sense of the word. I have a promiscuous lascivious side which I like to fulfill from time to time. Why anyone would want an intense relationship with me is beyond my comprehension. Could it be that I’m just a nice guy? That they can see I do have a good loving heart after all? I dunno. One thing is certain, I have never felt so confident of my sexuality as I do now. So what if I like boys? It bothers so many still, yet to me, it’s an integral and enjoyable part of my life which frankly boosts my ego. It’s nice to be told I’m a stud! At 25, I didn’t believe that, now I think I do. I really think I am good-looking, not because I am conceited, but because so many have said it so, and my self-esteem is now healthier than ever before.
Even the moderate drinking, some occasional pot use, and other acts reserved for rebellious teens have come to play a major point in my life. And it’s ok! I might even do a porn shoot soon for crying out loud! Is this all too wild to be true? Perhaps. Do I care? Not really. Does it make my current life interesting and worth living? Totally. Do I have shitty days? Of course. But that’s fine. I shall not let them destroy the progress, the incredible progress which I have made. Unless someone I love dies on me, I end up with a horrible disease, or other major setbacks occur, nothing can stop this. NOTHING.
Thank you God. Thank you therapy. Medication. Mikey. My friends. Wisdom from living. If only I had figured it out when I was younger, but then again, do any of us ever?
With age (a mere 30 years old), so much has come to be…
My job sucks donkey penis, my direct supervisor is a good naive woman at times, the one above her is a c**t, and they let lots of employees here get away with murder and pick on those of us who are really trying.
My whole life feels like it's falling apart. My personal problems are overwhelming me, I am in tears, true painful tears as I write this. I am being dumped for good, my friends are all depressed and some hate each other now, and I've been physically sick all week.
God, please don't abandon me. I need you at this moment of so much pain...