Monday, April 26, 2010


Geez, I wanna walk around with an insanely amazing optimistic view of life most of the time but I don't wanna be delusional either! LOLOLOL! Life sure does burn sometimes man. OUCH. Slowly picking up the shattered pieces here...

These reality s
hows have oversaturated and flooded our televisions, and it has gotten pretty ridiculous. How did America fall into the trap of watching these horrible programs?! OH MY GOD! WHO COULD CARE LESS?!! I mean, the only ones I ever truly followed because they were fairly original and new in the genre were The Osbournes and the late Anna Nicole's hysterical show. But now we got a whole slew of sh*t on the air that one cannot possibly keep up with, unless you watch The Soup with hottie Joel McHale for a good laugh. The downfall of Western Civilization is upon us folks. We're a nation of idiots, fascinated by what the narcissistic rich and pseudo-famous are up to. The working class, the folks like us that gotta really deal with everyday struggles are not even on these people's radar--they could give a flying f*ck about us, so why should we even invest time in watching their sick vapid worthless lives?! I don't care about the Kardashians, The Hills, Kate Gosselin and her 8 children, Jersey Shore, and the rest of these buffoons parading around with all their BS in front of the cameras. It's sick! THESE ARE SICK TIMES! SICK! We've lost our way man. We really have, and as long as people keep watching, the supply will unfortunately be there. Watch a scripted show or a good movie instead! Sadly, MTV and VH-1 went down the toilet with all this reality trash; what happened to their original vision of showcasing music videos? Ya see what I mean?! Imma get into a reality show, and get my 15 dumbass minutes of fame then.

Again, I thank all of those who have commented on this blog with amazing insight and support regarding my recent ordeal. Thanks to all who have texted or called me checking up on me. Thanks to anyone who has opened their home to me and let me hang out while I get over this difficult time. I had a rough time there back in my mid to late twenties when I got hit by major panic attacks, and I think it was due then to being unsure of my purpose in the world and being gay of course. Now her
e I am in my mid blah blah blah (LOL), and I feel like I've hit a major crisis again, only this one has been chock full of tears and sorrow, not anxiety. What should I do with my life now is the question? What path/road to follow from here on? Shall I keep working at this drone monotonous job? OH GOD NO. Please no more! I must change this, and now may be the best time to do it. Shall I find a nice and sexay dude to settle down with?! OF COURSE! No more falling for jerks! EVER! Mind you, I am a work-in-progress and do not have all the answers, but who does? I just beg God above, or whatever inner strength I have left to please guide me in the right direction. I am a great person, handsome, funny, witty, neat in appearance, charming, smart, entertaining, caring, and sooooooo good in bed. AHAHAHAHAH!

What more can ya ask for?

Oh, this song by the underrated but super talented Incubus; the band that still keeps on giving:

Monday, April 19, 2010


Writing about this experience purges me and hopefully helps warn anyone out there to never fall into a relationship of any kind with these heathens! Do go to each and every one of my links in this post! They are A MUST I TELLS YA!

It used to be so easy to just come and blog about current events or silly entertainment news, but the events in my private/personal life recently
as YOU ALREADY KNOW have left me changed irrevocably and forever. SCARRED AND SCARED FOR LIFE. Yes, I know I keep talking about it ad nauseum and some of you are ready to hang yourselves, so if you've had it, click away and go visit your Facebook page NOW. See how easy I make it for some of you? LOL! But if you're still with me and can bear to read yet once more how many tears I have shed over THE NARCISSIST, then read on: I have cried and cried and cried and cried and CRIED. My head hurts, I can't stop re-playing the painful things said to me, and they're now conveniently with someone new! YES! A NEW VICTIM FOR THIS EMOTIONAL VAMPIRE TO FEED OFF OF AND ABUSE! How f*cking charming! Without any remorse as to what has been done to me or the others that fell for your false self! When I feel I am truly missing him, I just have to go and read this astonishingly amazing article to strengthen and remind me once again of the true EVIL I have just escaped. There are poor souls out there that end up marrying these psychopaths or have really long-term relationships only to find out that these sewer rats never felt love for them AT ALL, but wanted someone to cater to their every need; and in the process the loving victim that has given their all is left psychologically f*cked up for life. Perhaps this was my saving grace, because no matter how much I cared for my narcissist, I always stood my ground and pointed out his selfishness, his ego, and eventually his disorder. He must have hated that and saw me as a threat somehow, and even though I am deeply hurting because I genuinely loved him, it could've been so much worse had I truly TRULY been blind, so he had to drop me. Get it I hope? 7 months of dealing with this incubus was not THAT long, but enough to make me feel like crap as you can obviously already tell.

And an even more interesting aspect of this story is discovering why I would even have ever fallen for someone like this in the first place! Well wouldn't you know that years after his death I can clearly now confirm that my very own father was without a doubt the most vile twisted narcissist I have ever known!!! YES! That man that we all mourned, for getting shot in some sort of a bank assault in the old country some 9 years ago was the most selfish, egomaniacal, emotionally and physically abusive bastard to any and all the women and children he left behind. In speaking to my beloved mother this week, she reiterated the horrors that dear old dad put her through (many that I witnessed), simply because she loved him so much. And when you tell one of these lowlives you love them, prepare to be treated like shit. And so, what kind of a male role model did I truly have growing up? Yes, it was this monster, who is thankfully now DEAD. I can't believe I would ever find myself saying something like this, but after everything he put us and all those around him through, it only makes perfect sense. My mother's mother (grandma) may have also been a narcissist, but I have to yet to go back in time and my childhood with her to truly analyze her behavior, although she was a nutcase bitch with us, but a charm with everyone else that did not know her well enough, something narcissists are very good at.

So you see folks: the true muck of my past--my disgusting dysfunctional family background, and recent events with the demon I loved, are all being finally exorcised out my system, serving to make me one giant emotional psychological wreck as of late.

And yet ironically, writing/exposing it all out here for you to read, feels truly quite liberating. I welcome and thank any and all of you for your comments recently and with this post as well...

Thursday, April 15, 2010


Lots of seismic activity this year huh? The quakes are strong and quite scary this year...

I am not a religious man at all, and I readily admit doubting the existence of God from time to time. My faith is very shaky, especially when I see all the suffering and injustices in this cruel evil world. However, I also do believe in God in times of terrible personal trouble/peril, and am not embarrassed to pray if that's all I have left to console my empty heart/soul. I know this would piss off some of my most staunch atheist friends to even read this
, but as emotionally bruised as I have been lately, prayer has been very soothing and comforting, and quite eye-opening. I just asked my mother a few days ago to tell her sister (my aunt) to pray hard and heavily for me at this time of personal sorrow for having erroneously been in love with a manipulative cold narcissistic man. I mean, these two women are devoted, almost crazily fanatical religious Christian nuts if you ask me, and yet I am thankful and blessed to have these ladies in my life, for it could possibly be through them that I am buffered and protected in some strange way. For you see, not only did I ask them to pray for me, but I myself prayed this week long and hard for an answer, and it came to me in a dream. Roll your eyes if you must, but I swear it's true:

In my dream, I w
as lovingly caressing the ugliest most vile pet rat you have ever seen. And as a passenger in the car that my mom was driving, I was trying desperately to show this rodent true and pure affection like one would a dog. But the rat bit me. Four times. On the palm of my hand. And so my mother begins to drive the car frantically to get me to a doctor. "It has rabies! It is rabid my son!", she says. "Emergency at the hospital will take too long, maybe there is a doctor that can help you faster and right away!" And so I let go of my treacherous pet, the one I so wanted to desperately love and care for, and it jumps out of my car window and when I turn to look back at it, it grins at me in the most horrendous evil way and crawls into the sewer. It was almost like a horror film I tells ya. I have never seen a more hideous creature. And into the gutter it went, long disgusting thick pink tail and all. And my mother continues driving the car frantically. And who is in the back seat? My aunt, with a syringe, trying to give me an antibiotic shot into my arm...

And I woke up. Now I don't know about you, but this vision gave me the shivers. And it confirmed that I have actually been saved and liberated from a truly damaged person. My love was never wrong, but the person it was mistakenly directed to IS, for he is polluted by his own vanity, he uses others with no regard for their feelings, and thinks he is above others. He was subtle and very slick in doing so, but many times brought down my self-esteem. I am not a victim by any means, but my naivete in this situation was truly great, for I am in awe how HE could even think or operate in such a fine crafty seductive manipulative fashion. He lies and lies so very well. I am dumbfounded and astonished. I know for a fact he has done this to many, and will continue to... Evil is real folks. It really is, and it preys MOST on the weak and noble.

I will pick myself up from this, and am learning a most valuable lesson. As for my once beloved filthy rabid sewer rat, I pity him. I really do.

The road ahead for him will be terrible.

As for me, the healing begins now. My eyes are now truly wide open.

God bless.

Wednesday, April 07, 2010


So Easter Sunday afternoon, there was this huge 7.2 quake in the Baja California region of Mexico, and tons of us in San Diego, Arizona, Nevada, and all the way up here in L.A. ended up feeling it. Really strong temblor, and long too, some 40 seconds! I was at my beloved bud's in his bed almost asleep at about 3:40 in the afternoon, when he announced the ground moving beneath our feet. And it just kept rocking I tells ya. The shocking part is how little damage or casualties there were; a testament perhaps to our building codes or just pure luck?! What is certain is how obviously retarded and lame the local news coverage was and always is when it comes to an earthquake--every caller will basically describe what they felt, how scary, and then came the dumbass footage of people's nice pricey homes with the chandelier swinging and the swimming pool water sloshing all over the place. BIG EFFIN' DEAL! Yeah, the newscasters can be so lame really. I really wanted to hear from the epicenter and how the truly affected Mexicans were doing, but it was all focused on upper class A-HOLES on this side of the border. LOL! Yes, a really big one is coming and we're all going to die I guess. Big deal.

And so dear friends, my emo
tional pain over having loved him and not getting any in return continues--this is now one of my darkest hours unfortunately. It boggles my mind really how a smart rational human being like myself has even fallen into this ridiculous trap. It is quite horrible to get hit with the realization some five times a day or more that this dude I so very much am still fond of will never give a f*ck about me. Yeah, so get over it right?! It's just not happening as easily as I would like to or thought though. And to make matters worse, the man is mediocre in almost every way, so why am I so hung up on him?! He's a mean narcissist, cold in bed for the most part, and possesses the intellectual capacity of a 15 year-old most of the time. He's a dork, and I always told him so, although I wanna change that to HE'S A MAJOR DOUCHE. But here I am. Broken. Shattered even, over this complete turd, even though I logically know how much better I am than him. I tells ya, what have I truly done to deserve this pain? My so-called "friend" used this golden opportunity to kick me while I'm down to tell me I was getting back what I deserved and that it was karma. Oh really?! Well thanks you f*ckface! He's a narcissistic jerk-off too, so of course he'd side with the enemy. I'll have to go to a really good therapist soon to work and sort this all out before I decide to leap off a cliff. In the meantime, I'm trying not to fall apart and cry like a f*cking child while I'm driving or late at night when I get home from going out trying to distract myself from this horrific nightmare. YOU WOULD THINK SOMEONE HAD DIED ON ME! My dear girlfriend in San Diego is going through something similar, so we kinda get each other right now all too well.

And like I've said before, if he ever read this, he'd smile/gloat/laugh out loud in all his narcissistic glory that he'd gotten yet another one to fall head over heels with his "tremendous" presence. Sick ain't it?! Him for being so uncaring, selfish, egotistical and delusional, or me for loving him? It makes no clear rational sense.

And this is why life sucks.

Friday, April 02, 2010



McCartney at the H
ollywood Bowl this past Wednesday night! Thank goodness the predicted rain never manifested itself. The traffic getting there and in the surrounding areas of the venue was an utter nightmare! I don't think I'd ever seen it like that in my life. The vibe was exciting and my friend Paul and I had to do quite a bit of walking, but we made it to our lovely seats; McCartney had already started the show, and we missed the first five minutes or so. I took some decent pics which I wanna post soon, but it was a beautiful stage, and the sound quality was tremendous. Nice packed sold-out crowd, and at first everyone was pretty docile and kind of out of it, but Sir Paul quickly won us over and got us going with some of his terrific classic rock standards. I can live without having to hear "Yesterday", "Let It Be"or "Hey Jude" ever again, but he has to do those tunes of course. The show ran a nice 2 hours and 45 minutes or so. And although it did not rain, it was pretty chilly. Paul is 67 years old and worth 1.2 billion dollars. WOW. And he can still put on quite a show! The highlight was "Live and Let Die", when my bud Paul refused to believe the fireworks were going to go off in all their glory at the Bowl, and yet THEY DID and it was mighty spectacular as I had predicted. Some highlights here. And here.

But even with that wonderful concert, I'm emotionally exhausted right now. Yes, I did love him, but he was so selfish and narcissistic towards me and never gave a damn really. I was warned by him that nothing serious could ever develop, but I foolishly hoped and wanted it to be so. Alas, it was no
t meant to be. I'm very sad. I know that I never fully built anything substantial out of this brief tryst, but it still sucks, and I am still reeling from it. Close friends and other people in my life with good advice told me to walk away a while ago, and I had truly honestly tried, but when one cares for someone it is almost blinding--it's as if I had to learn this the hard pitiful way when the other party simply told me to my face recently that they were now seeing someone new. UGH. I almost think he enjoyed throwing that terrible bit of news at me, because some people are just plain f*cked up and mean. It's exactly like that movie 500 Days of Summer I tells ya. I can never watch that film again. Or think about it without wanting to cry like a pathetic fool. I'm not the first, the last, nor the only one to suffer at the hands of unrequited love. But it is happening to me. And I don't like it or appreciate it one bit. It hurts so bad. Why me?! I'm so sorry to anyone else who has gone or is going through this. I really am. Only now do I know how empty, worthless, and lonely this feeling can be. Add to this the fact I am overly sensitive. I wish I had no feelings. Like HIM. If he ever read this post, he would enjoy a tremendous ego boost from it, and be quite proud of himself. Trust me. My suffering means nothing to him at all. This person has a damaged soul, and I had to find it out the bitter way. This makes it worse for me.

If there is a God, I hope he can hear my prayers and help me through this pretty f*cked up time...