I don't know where I will be in five years, but I certainly hope it isn't in the emotional quagmire I find myself in now.
My days of living a sexually hedonistic lifestyle are over. I'm older, wiser, more mature I guess, and my heart has been shattered. It sucks because never in a million years did I think I'd be so hurt, but here I f*cking am. Pathetic. Bruised. Battered. WHAT THA HELL HAPPENED?! ARGH! IT PISSES ME OFF TO NO END. Most dudes I now run into are not my physical type at all, because I keep thinking of the nice 6ft. 3, 195lbs white boy shell that I was so recently into, but so much for that right? He's got a new guy to entertain him and play with, and I was tossed like yesterday's newspaper. Gee, thanks. I should not be so superficial and enamored by looks, and I used to be a lot more forgiving, but I feel like I've been ruined forever into being more demanding that a guy be handsome, and in L.A. these are usually the narcissistic assholes! UGH!!! I feel so good to be alive! My self-esteem is brimming with endless joy! I walk outside into the sunlight and I just don't feel it shining at all really. I am looking for a new job so I can at least actively do something constructive while I mourn being awake, but whatever man. I'm just bummed out. The most down I think I have ever felt in all of my life. You talk about being humbled, crushed, dashed, and kicked to the curb! YIKES! If people want to tread on me and further kick a beaten man down, I'm not that hard to mess up at this point. I'm a husk of my former self! ACK! Everyone says I should be patient, and give it time so that I can properly heal, but I just don't see the light at the end of this sh*tty sewage tunnel. I think all this crying is going to begin aging me fast now. I know there are starving children in the world, but does that even register in my brain right now? NOPE.
Over the weekend, I was morbidly being entertained by this show called 1000 Ways to Die on Spike TV. Fascinating stuff really. Stupid people dying in really embarrassing ways. Regardless of the way we go, WE GOTTA GO OKAY? I'll be f*cking honest and further make this awesomely joyous post even more happy: I really would not mind or care kicking the bucket at this point in time. I know I'm still a "young man with so many endless possibilities and hope" (GAG), but quite frankly, life is irritating the hell out of me! Why does everything take so much effort in this dimension?! Why do some have more than others?! WHAT IS THE GOD DAMNED POINT OF THIS DISGUSTING MESS?! At least I'm not bringing children into this world. That's a good thing. I'm helping with overpopulation and avoiding a new generation of humans the suffering that inevitably goes along with living. Or maybe everyone else is really happy and I'm the only one with the problem? AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAA!
Okay. That's all I can say for now. All my shrink wants to do is increase the dosage of my anti-depressant or gimme new stuff to further make me an addict.
Lady GaGa, you're the huge female pop star par excellence of the modern era, gimme some JOY at least in my otherwise pitiful existence: