Wednesday, February 21, 2007


After sex and food, the next thing I often think about unfortunately is DEATH. I often laugh at death and make constant jokes, but here's how I really feel:

Sometimes I find comfort knowing that one day I will die and not have to worry about so much bullshit. Most times however, I feel horrible knowing that I'm mortal; knowing that my physical shell will eventually give up and I will go into eternal unconsciousness.

I really fucking hate being aware of my mortality period. It irks me. You mean I gotta spend my whole life achieving and accomplishing all sorts of tasks, going through life's ups and downs, enjoying life's little pleasures, only to have it all robbed one day by me having to take my last breath and take that final crap in my pants in the process? HOW VILE! WHOSE CRUEL JOKE/IDEA WAS THIS?! I guess I haven't mastered
my fear yet; I thought I was more comfortable with death now that I'm older and have suffered the loss of loved ones, but I guess I'm not. I often think about my father, sister, grandma, uncle, and others I once knew who have now passed on. PASSED ON TO WHAT?! What did they really pass on to? Another dimension? Heaven? God forbid, but did any of those I knew go to hell? Or is it all one big fucking myth; there is nothing on "the other side", because there is NO SUCH THING AS "THE OTHER SIDE" and all that happens is the lights go out and you're done. Finito. Fin. IT'S OVER JOHNNY, THANKS FOR YER PRESENCE, BUT U GOTS TO GO BACK TO THE EARTH FROM WHENCE YE CAME!

Maybe it's not so bad once you're in your eighties, nineties, or make it to 100 years of age; heck you've lived a long enough life and many old people are just tired and not really afraid to go. It's the youngins like myself I guess that freak out about this most.

My God! It's creepy though! FREAKING CREEPY! Sometimes I lie in my bed as I'm about to fall asleep and look up at my ceiling in the dark and really hate the whole idea. I shed tears knowing I will have to leave or worse, those around me I really care about like family and good friends who might croak before me and cause me heartache. How does one even begin to become comfortable and accepting of one's own demise? HOW?! Then, as I actually begin to fall asleep I become more comfortable with death and don't mind dying if it were to happen as I sleep. Yeah, don't we all wanna die in our sleep right? Sure beats a long annoying terminal illness or grotesque accident, yet do we really get to choose? Unless you're gonna jump off the Golden Gate Bridge, slit yer wrists, or hang yerself, chances are most of us do not get to choose our final exit.

And then it pisses me off to know that life will go on after I drop dead. Yeah, how unfair! Ya mean I'm gonna miss all that cool upcoming technology? I don't wanna leave! As much as life irritates me from time to time, I do enjoy being here for the most part, amidst this vast sea of ignorant humanity as they provide excellent material for my genius comedic skills! Perhaps I shouldn't be so selfish; Beethoven and Leonardo Da Vinci didn't get to see television or the Internet, and I did! And what tha hell happens to my blog? Will it just freeze there with the last post I was able to put up before I met the
Grim Reaper and then just sit there in eternal locked cyberspace? With the way things are going on our planet, this may just be the last generation on the Earth period! AHAHAAHAHAAH! I may not miss anything after all, since we seem to be self-destructing ourselves as a species anyway!

There's nothing I can fucking do about this. NOTHING. As it stands, science has not managed to extend human life or keep us immortal. Alas, I must continue to develop my spirituality and enjoy every single moment I gots. I wanna believe in that comforting tunnel of light, Jesus, and making it to heaven.

Andy Warhol used to hate the idea of dying too, especially in regards to how they would dispose of his body. He hated the whole notion of others being able to look at yer body once you were dead. To have to bury it or cremate it is quite undignified really. Andy would've liked to just have our bodies vanish once we died, like Yoda's did in Return of the Jedi. Yeah, fucking cool. I agree. And then come back as an Obi-Wan Kenobi-type glowing spirit.

Whatever man. Who has any real answers to this anyway? Only thing I knows is:

I gotta pay my taxes soon.

"Dying is the most embarrassing thing that can ever happen to you, because someone's got to take care of all your details." -Andy Warhol

"It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live." -Marcus Aurelius

"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome." -Isaac Asimov


Marko said...

Wow WAT, that was a great post.
We all have to face it sooner than later. I think the ultimate for me would just to die in an explosion. I fear being drowned or burned to death. I want it to happpen quickly. My father died in his sleep and sometimes I wonder if thats the best way to go.

I dont fear death not anymore. Its part of life, part of living.

We have to beleive there is more than just death as they death is a beginning not just an end.

Who wants to live forever? Whose to say we come back to this world to do it all over again. We just dont know but thats what kinda makes it interesting...what is on the other side.

M- Filer said...

Great post. I love this topic more than most people. After my mother died--20 years ago--I became a hospice volunteer and got to "sit in" on the period just before terminally ill people pass. It was difficult but also very cool, and it really took my fear of dying and tossed it in the trash. I believe the soul lives forever. Where it goes is irrelevant to me, just that I am responsible for its care wherever it is. My gut feeling however, is that this particular incarnation of my soul is probobally chump change compared to the next incarnation--I know, it sounds sooo Catholic--but whatever it sounds like I really believe it, and I really do not fear death. Yeah!

Well, I DO fear tradgedy... but not peaceful passings.

Scot said...

Well, I don't want you to die either. But how ironic would it be for your blog to sit here forever frozen? Ironic due to the subtitle "An Existential Wasteland." How appropriate/ Camus-like for it to just sit here: unfinished, no questions answered..your loyal readers just left to wonder what happened and where you went. It would be a bit like Yoda's body just disappearing leaving behind only a body of work. We'd never know if you were lingering still somewhere in the evanescence.
If we can't laugh at death, we should at least laugh at irony, yeah?
(Note new link through just for today.)

alice said...

Awesome post, sweetie. And I wish I had the ultimate words of wisdom to bring you knowledge and comfort. My faith is really the only thing I have to combat the fear of death. The beliefs I have don't always succeed in reassuring me.... sometimes I worry about how it will happen, when it will occur, what will become of my family and what is next. But as for tangible answers, I don't think anyone really can be positive - it's one of those things that we won't learn about in this life.

The only advice I have is to try not to spend too much of your precious and brief time here on earth pondering those unanswerable questions. And as for your blog..... it will certainly live on in the hearts of all of us who faithfully read...

Sebastien said...

You the man! Love your post, so honest and true. You know, a lot of the writers I really admire struggle with this theme and idea. Lots of great artists do also, of course! Well, tons of people struggle with this in general, so, if it makes you feel any better, you are not alone in your thoughts and fears. And of course I have fears of death... But hey, if there weren't death, would we appreciate life as much? Death contextualizes the beauty of life and what it means to be alive. Life would be nothing without death.

And I think about all the people throughout history, like little kids who died when they were 5 or some ridiculously young age, dying pointlessly and without a chance to really experience life, you know, dying because they were killed in war or died of disease, I think of all that stuff and I'm thankful that not only am I still alive at 25, but I get to live and not be utterly miserable and in total poverty. So, in the end, I'm just thankful I've gotten to experience life.

Crazy Eddie said...

First and foremost, I'm sorry to hear that your sis passed away (I'm assuming she wasn't that old) let alone your dad and the others you mentioned...

I believe that this whole "heaven" and hell thing was simply created because it's inherent that the average person can't accept that when you die, IT'S FINAL! This whole afterlife thing was created because humans find it difficult to swallow the notion of finality...

I guess the happier, more fulfilled life you live, the easier the transition into death will be...

Besos Wat baby

Anonymous said...

I understand. I hate it too and am very frustrated with the whole concept.
Honestly the whole Heaven place seems like a lie made up by a parent.
Santa. Easter bunny. Tooth Fairy. Heaven.
The only thing is I know I'm going to die and there is a good chance its going to be after a long illness. I've already alienated myself. Pushed away the friends who have stayed by me. The ones who didn't run the moment they found out I was positive. I get depressed and tend to do that. Eventually your friends dont come back and what you feared... Being alone happens. Its not anything to fear I guess. Just dont push away the people you love and who love you.

LB said...

You're wise to think about it, sir, and you will gain in understanding as you consider it. We live in an environment that exploits death for thrills but where everyone falls silent when a person expresses worry about the topic -- usually. Your post was so honest that others feel comfortable opening up -- . I think you'll gain insight from listening, and watching -- as is usual, familiarity and time will offer more comfort than anxiety. I learned from both my parents -- yes, they both went quickly but with awareness -- that death just is, and is not a matter for fear. That was a great gift and I am lucky, if more alone sometimes. I'm also comforted that death is always so near -- we pass a mortuary without thinking, but people are busy at their careers, or seeking comfort with each other, inside; we see dumb tragic news from all over the world on TV -- but hey, I just think, it is not such a big step, to "pass over" as some say. Good for you, for preferring life -- and for living with awareness and eagerness to share your view of what it's all about.

Sebastien said...

I was thinking about your post and remembered this thing I read years ago. I read it in a class, I think it was Rilke, he said something like this: from the day we are born, there is a kernel of death within each and everyone one of us, and it grows, day by day...

I can't shake that idea out of my head.