After sex and food, the next thing I often think about unfortunately is DEATH. I often laugh at death and make constant jokes, but here's how I really feel:
Sometimes I find comfort knowing that one day I will die and not have to worry about so much bullshit. Most times however, I feel horrible knowing that I'm mortal; knowing that my physical shell will eventually give up and I will go into eternal unconsciousness.
I really fucking hate being aware of my mortality period. It irks me. You mean I gotta spend my whole life achieving and accomplishing all sorts of tasks, going through life's ups and downs, enjoying life's little pleasures, only to have it all robbed one day by me having to take my last breath and take that final crap in my pants in the process? HOW VILE! WHOSE CRUEL JOKE/IDEA WAS THIS?! I guess I haven't mastered my fear yet; I thought I was more comfortable with death now that I'm older and have suffered the loss of loved ones, but I guess I'm not. I often think about my father, sister, grandma, uncle, and others I once knew who have now passed on. PASSED ON TO WHAT?! What did they really pass on to? Another dimension? Heaven? God forbid, but did any of those I knew go to hell? Or is it all one big fucking myth; there is nothing on "the other side", because there is NO SUCH THING AS "THE OTHER SIDE" and all that happens is the lights go out and you're done. Finito. Fin. IT'S OVER JOHNNY, THANKS FOR YER PRESENCE, BUT U GOTS TO GO BACK TO THE EARTH FROM WHENCE YE CAME!
Maybe it's not so bad once you're in your eighties, nineties, or make it to 100 years of age; heck you've lived a long enough life and many old people are just tired and not really afraid to go. It's the youngins like myself I guess that freak out about this most.
My God! It's creepy though! FREAKING CREEPY! Sometimes I lie in my bed as I'm about to fall asleep and look up at my ceiling in the dark and really hate the whole idea. I shed tears knowing I will have to leave or worse, those around me I really care about like family and good friends who might croak before me and cause me heartache. How does one even begin to become comfortable and accepting of one's own demise? HOW?! Then, as I actually begin to fall asleep I become more comfortable with death and don't mind dying if it were to happen as I sleep. Yeah, don't we all wanna die in our sleep right? Sure beats a long annoying terminal illness or grotesque accident, yet do we really get to choose? Unless you're gonna jump off the Golden Gate Bridge, slit yer wrists, or hang yerself, chances are most of us do not get to choose our final exit.
And then it pisses me off to know that life will go on after I drop dead. Yeah, how unfair! Ya mean I'm gonna miss all that cool upcoming technology? I don't wanna leave! As much as life irritates me from time to time, I do enjoy being here for the most part, amidst this vast sea of ignorant humanity as they provide excellent material for my genius comedic skills! Perhaps I shouldn't be so selfish; Beethoven and Leonardo Da Vinci didn't get to see television or the Internet, and I did! And what tha hell happens to my blog? Will it just freeze there with the last post I was able to put up before I met the Grim Reaper and then just sit there in eternal locked cyberspace? With the way things are going on our planet, this may just be the last generation on the Earth period! AHAHAAHAHAAH! I may not miss anything after all, since we seem to be self-destructing ourselves as a species anyway!
There's nothing I can fucking do about this. NOTHING. As it stands, science has not managed to extend human life or keep us immortal. Alas, I must continue to develop my spirituality and enjoy every single moment I gots. I wanna believe in that comforting tunnel of light, Jesus, and making it to heaven.
Andy Warhol used to hate the idea of dying too, especially in regards to how they would dispose of his body. He hated the whole notion of others being able to look at yer body once you were dead. To have to bury it or cremate it is quite undignified really. Andy would've liked to just have our bodies vanish once we died, like Yoda's did in Return of the Jedi. Yeah, fucking cool. I agree. And then come back as an Obi-Wan Kenobi-type glowing spirit.
Whatever man. Who has any real answers to this anyway? Only thing I knows is:
I gotta pay my taxes soon.
"Dying is the most embarrassing thing that can ever happen to you, because someone's got to take care of all your details." -Andy Warhol
"It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live." -Marcus Aurelius
"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome." -Isaac Asimov