Monday, January 12, 2009


You see, the world was pretty much introduced to Kate Winslet in the monster hit film Titanic, and although looking back at that blockbuster and how ultimately cheesy it really is, there was no denying that this British girl had a je ne sais quoi about her, a hidden talent/star power that promised to give us film buffs some fine performances in really unique wonderful movies. After seeing Kate (in the years since Titanic) in films such as: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Quills, Finding Neverland, and Little Children, I have ever since admired this woman tremendously for her daring roles; there are box office stars, and then there's Kate, who makes sure the script is first-rate, regardless of whether the movie will make millions or not. And last night, she finally won not just one, but TWO Golden Globes! Congratulations to this remarkable actress! I love ya Kate! And she can play American women really well; you hardly notice she's even English. It's about bloody time she earned these awesome awards, and I smell an Oscar now.

If reading about life's downs is going to get you upset/depressed, then please skip this paragraph! I have to vent though, in order to detoxify my system of the doo
m and gloom I currently feel as I write this. Although I have high hopes for this new year with respect to my attitude towards it, I have to admit that I often struggle with a terrible lack of motivation, particularly the last several months. I go to work because I have to and it helps to give me structure, but there are days where I frankly do not want to get out of bed. And on my days off, I often find myself sleeping till mid-afternoons. Of course, I do go to bed late on weekends, but this amount of sleeping/sloth can only mean one thing: I AM MAJORLY DEPRESSED. At so many things really. I resent having to work at something I don't enjoy doing for a living. I resent having to pay bills. I resent all this imposed responsibility. The last 12 years of my life, I have spent struggling to understand and accept the real world for what it is, but I can't seem to ever get over my bitterness towards it all; why did I have to grow up, why was I suddenly thrust upon this ridiculous slave capitalistic dumbass robotic system like this?! I don't know if I even make sense, but many say that in the end, I am ultimately responsible for how I feel and what I am going to do with my life from this moment forward is all up to me. Yes, I know that I can change my life, but sometimes I feel so helpless, as if I can't do it, like I'm trapped in my own skin/circumstances. I just don't feel like doing much anymore, except live a complete life of total hedonism. If only someone could just take my hand and guide me along, like a personal trainer at the gym and help me with what to do with myself! Yeah, I was looking to become a teacher last year, but I lost interest in that fairly quickly, because I just don't want to put in the effort for that either! What a terrible quandary I often find myself in!

I take an anti-depressant/anxiety med for all of this and it helps, but STILL! I feel like I really try and put in as much effort as possible, and yet I'm still stuck in the same mud.

Will I have to take ABILIFY as well and combine it with my current happy pill?



Todd said...

I've been sensing something boiling beneath all your posts. You're needing some stardust in your eyes; something to make the mundane disappear and show you the fantastic. By blogging about your feelings, I think you're trying to find a way through.
Put on your beloved Beatles, close your eyes, shed your skin and maybe you will see where you need to go.
Let us know what you find!

Ladrón de Basura (a.k.a. Junk Thief) said...

I hope you find something to make 2009 a better year besides the meds.

I must admit I enjoy being surprised by Kate Winslet slowly becoming a great actress. "Titanic" is probably high on my list of 10 movies I most hated. Really wretched, shallow and that Celine Dion song at the end to add agony to the four hours of torture.

Crazy Eddie said...

I think Kate Winslet deserved to win. She's wonderful. I particularly loved her performance in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Loved that movie, and I lurve her...

Remember, I'm back to blogging so come by for a visit!!


Crazy Eddie

Amadeus said...

I see all, I see everything that Kate is in. She does remind me of someone whose peronsonality doth not change thru all her movies though.. like many actors though.. she's a good actress, but she seems to be basically playing the same role in all her films, with the exception of a film that you never saw called "romance and cigarettes" which I think you would have really liked.

I think that she is afraid to be completely free in her acting. This is what I am sensing, of course. Still look at her, she wins awards based on how little she gives us. I say this, because I know there is so much more of her to give, and she dispenses it upon us in little isolated containers.. however majestic it seems. Probably noone knows what I am talking about here though.

I can relate to what you say about oversleeping. I do that not because Ive been depressed, but because my sleep cycles had been so wacked out. Now they are back to waking up in the morning and I MARVEL at how much TIME I have now! I have more time than I know what to do with. I might have to travel to india and work with the poor if this keeps up, so much time I do have!

One of the things about my job, is that I can do it in 2 hrs, and resent that I have to be there for 9 hrs when I can do it in 2. That is why I feel it is a complete waste of my time and energy.. and I feel more free away from it, altho of course I have a reason for not being there.

Nonetheless.. I suffer from not doing enough in my own skin, not from not having the talent.. but not having the DRIVE. Just so losers like Bo Derek and mylie cyrus and Justin Timberlake with all their drive and little talent, can piss all over the world till everyone recognizes them when they use the porta potty.

Fuck you losers.

As far as wishing for a "guide". I just read that and had to laugh...

Amadeus said...

oh dear....

"Titanic" is probably high on my list of 10 movies I most hated. Really wretched, shallow and that Celine Dion song at the end to add agony to the four hours of torture"

I AM LAUGHING MY ASS OFF at these words from "Ladron"!


Gary said...

I have been a fan of Kate since I first saw her many, many years ago in the movie Heavenly Creatures. I saw it with my friend Joy who kept saying "that girl is amazing. We'll be seeing more of her" etc.

I am really sorry that you are having these bouts of non-motivation. I do hope that you find whatever it is that will help bring you out of it but, as you write, it will have to come from you. I have seen that the less someone does, the less they want to do but I realize it is not as easy as 'do something'. So, I have no advice but I offer you support in whatever way I can. Too bad I am not closer so I could take you out once in a while.

Ladrón de Basura (a.k.a. Junk Thief) said...

I have to add to Gary's comment about how wonderful "Heavenly Creatures" was. Kate played a pretty nasty little girl in that, and I love the scene where on her first day in French class she corrects her teacher and says, "Oh, don't be embarrassed, I had trouble with French too when I was first learning it."

M- Filer said...

I don't know how I missed this post. I must have been slitting my wrists the day you posted it. Well enough depressing shit has passed my way lately to finally understand that you don't need advice.

Hang in there sexy. always have that!

mouse (aka kimy) said...

kate was amazing in the reader....on the list revolutionary road!

i never saw titanic......couldn't take the hype and not like I don't know how it ends....