Wednesday, April 07, 2010


So Easter Sunday afternoon, there was this huge 7.2 quake in the Baja California region of Mexico, and tons of us in San Diego, Arizona, Nevada, and all the way up here in L.A. ended up feeling it. Really strong temblor, and long too, some 40 seconds! I was at my beloved bud's in his bed almost asleep at about 3:40 in the afternoon, when he announced the ground moving beneath our feet. And it just kept rocking I tells ya. The shocking part is how little damage or casualties there were; a testament perhaps to our building codes or just pure luck?! What is certain is how obviously retarded and lame the local news coverage was and always is when it comes to an earthquake--every caller will basically describe what they felt, how scary, and then came the dumbass footage of people's nice pricey homes with the chandelier swinging and the swimming pool water sloshing all over the place. BIG EFFIN' DEAL! Yeah, the newscasters can be so lame really. I really wanted to hear from the epicenter and how the truly affected Mexicans were doing, but it was all focused on upper class A-HOLES on this side of the border. LOL! Yes, a really big one is coming and we're all going to die I guess. Big deal.

And so dear friends, my emo
tional pain over having loved him and not getting any in return continues--this is now one of my darkest hours unfortunately. It boggles my mind really how a smart rational human being like myself has even fallen into this ridiculous trap. It is quite horrible to get hit with the realization some five times a day or more that this dude I so very much am still fond of will never give a f*ck about me. Yeah, so get over it right?! It's just not happening as easily as I would like to or thought though. And to make matters worse, the man is mediocre in almost every way, so why am I so hung up on him?! He's a mean narcissist, cold in bed for the most part, and possesses the intellectual capacity of a 15 year-old most of the time. He's a dork, and I always told him so, although I wanna change that to HE'S A MAJOR DOUCHE. But here I am. Broken. Shattered even, over this complete turd, even though I logically know how much better I am than him. I tells ya, what have I truly done to deserve this pain? My so-called "friend" used this golden opportunity to kick me while I'm down to tell me I was getting back what I deserved and that it was karma. Oh really?! Well thanks you f*ckface! He's a narcissistic jerk-off too, so of course he'd side with the enemy. I'll have to go to a really good therapist soon to work and sort this all out before I decide to leap off a cliff. In the meantime, I'm trying not to fall apart and cry like a f*cking child while I'm driving or late at night when I get home from going out trying to distract myself from this horrific nightmare. YOU WOULD THINK SOMEONE HAD DIED ON ME! My dear girlfriend in San Diego is going through something similar, so we kinda get each other right now all too well.

And like I've said before, if he ever read this, he'd smile/gloat/laugh out loud in all his narcissistic glory that he'd gotten yet another one to fall head over heels with his "tremendous" presence. Sick ain't it?! Him for being so uncaring, selfish, egotistical and delusional, or me for loving him? It makes no clear rational sense.

And this is why life sucks.


RG said...

Honey, you're going through the 5 stages of grief - you'll survive. I know you will.

WAT said...

Hey RG. Good to hear from you again! Yes, I guess I will overcome this, but I am just so sad about it and I don't understand why. I guess I really did develop feelings, or maybe saw him as a child that needed lots of help/nurturing, but he never gave me a chance. Maybe he saw me as too powerful and I blew his cover, something narcissists cannot stand.

Oh well. It really is his loss.

Anonymous said...

Getting what you deserve???? There is only one canine judge in charge of that... and I believe that individual only wants you to be happy and successful.

Maw Maw

mkf said...

while i've followed the recent saga of your big love and am dying to offer my condolences, i'm restrained from doing so by the fact that i haven't yet figured out if (a) this is really the first time you've fallen for one of these cookie-cutter narcissistic assholes, or (b) he's merely one more in a long pattern [you're in your mid-thirties, so i have to ask].

once again, i'm offering you the chance to sit across a bottle of good tequila from uncle mkf and get all the answers for free--i'm only a valley away, baby.

[i'm also drunk as shit at the moment, which means this offer probably won't be good tomorrow, but whatever--the comment's still valid]

WAT said...

This is my very first time. And it has really f*cked me up because I was truly unaware of how draining these vampires really are! UGH!

Gary said...

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I really would love to be able to hang out with you and share stories of broken hearts. When you feel this way it does help to talk about it as much as you can especially with someone who has been through it. Hang in there. Time does make it easier.

mkf said...

in that case, learn what you can from this experience and as you move forward in life, remember: you don't learn anything the second time you get kicked by a mule.

[that's an expression from my old grandma back in texas--and it totally applies to you]

Palm Springs Savant said...

Well that sucks. hang in there and let your mind work through it all. If I may suggest something, there is a little book called The Mental Equivalent (Emmett Fox) Read it. It may help a bit. V-I-S-U-A-L-I-Z-E what you want.