Monday, July 16, 2007


I'm not from St. Olaf or as dumb as Rose Nylund was on The Golden Girls, but I'm certainly as sensitive as she was.

I was watching this movie today, and in it, one of the two main characters dies, and the scene was so emotionally heavy and devastating to me. I felt awful watching this character die on film, really really awful! I mean, this is a reality sooner or later we must face through loved ones, friends, people we know, and worse, our own demise! I mean, if ya aren't lucky enough to die instantly, what if yer freaking death is slow and gives ya time to reflect and say goodbye and shit? There he was, this guy in this movie, with all his qualities and faults, dying slowly, and knowing it! How vulnerable! HOW UTTERLY VULNERABLE AND HEART-WRENCHING! Aside from when we are infants or children, to slowly die has to be the most terribly vulnerable moment of our lives. Damn freakin' movie made me cry. UGH!

So since I am mortal, as of late, I'm doing my conscious best to be a better person ya know? I'm obviously still a work-in-progress mind you. Physically, I'm already pretty hot (INSERT ROARING LAUGHTER HERE), but emotionally and mentally I still have a lot to learn and master. I know that I can't live a completely worry free life, but I want to bring my worries and fear down to a manageable and tolerable level. The one thing to also master is my reaction to other negative people. I have to admit, I'm still a sensitive wuss to other people behaving badly towards me. I can stand up for myself and defend myself when the need calls for it I suppose, but it'd be so nice to just let things go and not resent others to the degree that I sometimes do, and for those moments to not make me feel genuinely bad as they often do.

Examples? There's this girl at work who has never acknowledged me, even when I've said "hello" to her and walks by and looks at me like a piece of garbage really. Of course, now I hate her guts, but why should I? She doesn't like me, and that's just fine right? It's acceptable for people to not like me, even if they haven't gotten to know me! It's the nature of the world, but it still sucks and hurts my feelings that they didn't bother to even gimme a chance! I have another friend who goes into weird mood swings and acts very distant and aloof with me from time to time for no reason other than he is mentally/emotionally ill, but it still makes me feel bad when he behaves this way towards me. Or there's the good friend of my dear friend who treats me like crap because he's envious of me (I'm not that special), and it really hurts my feelings. WELL FUCK THIS SENSITIVE SHIT ALREADY! I am able to tell another human being who is being totally reprehensible and obnoxious to go to hell, but the pain of their behavior does linger within me and makes me very cynical about human nature. Thank God for the genuine good people out there, or Idda already become a hermit and went ta live with nature and the animals.

I have a tough facade. I really do. Most people assume I am in complete and utter control. That nothing phases me. That I am carefree. I am always happy and laughing. Clean cut and fun. Yes, this is true. I am all these things. But my interior is so sensitive, so fragile, and so loving and giving. I often wonder, if only people really got to know the real me, I think they'd be awfully surprised and perhaps quite pleased to know my heart is worth gold. To those who already have broken through (and I can count them on less than the fingers on one hand), you are the lucky ones who know and appreciate the real me, as fortunate am I to know thee as well! To those who will just brush me off or continue mistreating me for whatever reason, so be it. I obviously cannot please everyone or make everyone like me, and others will be mean to me from time to time. It's just the way it is, although me initiating negativity towards another person is inconceivable! I'll attack to defend, but to just attack someone is beyond my comprehension.

The great thing about all of this? I can become an even greater human being than I am now! This is a terrific empowering feeling! I cannot change the world, but I can change myself and my reactions and perceptions to it. I gotta stop taking it all so personally and just let things go.

I knew writing stuff out like this was good therapy.



Scot said...

I reacted that way to "It's My Party" when I saw it several years ago. I was not prepared for the reaction. It was on Logo again some time this past wek and I purposely avoided it; great movie, but I just can't right now.
Being able to adopt the "Devil May Care" additude towards things is helpful at times, but I hope it doesn't make you too cynical to the point you are no longer the person you are. A healthy WAT, go for it, but a robotic WAT, I hope not. The small glipses I've stolen are what make me say that...

Todd said...

Ah, you've chosen the tough road, my friend. Don't you know evil is so much easier? Don't listen to Yoda. He's only a puppet.

All around town, there are billboards up for a new Branson show. (Branson, Missouri that is, 40 minutes south of where I live) I laughed when I saw them and thought about you. Check it out here:

Eric said...

Everyone knows the happiness masks the inner turmoil and depression. I'm generally an upbeat guy (until missing a subway train sends me into a tizzy) but my generally happy demeanor has masked a lot of stuff to really close friends over the years.

Junk Thief said...

Having an interior that is fragile but also sensitive and caring is something worth holding onto. I'd definitely say hi to you every morning.

alice said...

The girl at your work is the one missing out - she has deprived herself the sheer pleasure of knowing a funny, thoughtful and insightful human being. I never really was able to spend any quality time with you away from work, but from what I did observe from those hours we slaved at Publications, I found you to be kind, caring and very sensitive. It's not just under the surface - your feelings can be seen if someone is paying attention.

Don't change your reactions - merely prepare yourself for them. Because if you block the pain, you also can't feel the joy. When someone makes you feel bad, work through it and recognize that it is temporary, and not about you. It's their deficiency.

Working on ourselves is a wonderful constant. We don't ever really finish or get to a point and say, "Ok, I'm done - I'm perfect now". It is a continuous process and I'm glad you are embracing it. But don't get too awesome or you might not talk to us peons anymore. (J/K) Comforting hugs coming your way...

Regina and Renee said...

Wow. This post was truly inspiring. I feel empowered just because you feel empowered! :] I feel misunderstood most of the time, even by people I thought knew me the best, and since I feel this way most of the time, I have kinda become numb to it. But someone out there will eventually understand me, right?


Bill German said...

dont you know that the human race is evil.

M- Filer said...

Great post Will, and cathartic too I am sure. There is nothing wrong with being sensitive, in fact I think it's a great trait, but don't let your sensitivity hand too much power over to the careless people of the world. No one is perfect, and we never know what that "asshole" just had to deal with, or what's going on in their life that just spilled over in to yours.

I tend to get a little hot headed and careless sometimes, and the sensitive sometimes get hurt, but I ALWAYS APOLOGIZE!

Wow, that WAS cathartic.

Regina and Renee said...

wow this was such an inspiring post!!! i mean i have been thinking about death a lot lately because of my grampa, and the same sort of things really have been running through my head! the world is so cruel and unfair, but we really have to make the best of it while we're here. thanks for helping me change my outlook on life!!!


alexgirl said...

Great post! And welcome to the club, I cry at movies all the time. Give in to the tears! Let 'em flow.