Monday, July 30, 2007

¡TIBURÓN!

It's Shark Week on the Discovery Channel! YEEHA! All about dem awesome underwater predatory killing machines with dem razor-sharp serrated teeth!

Ya know, sharks get a bad reputation and all for attacking people and stuff, but they're really quite shy and harmless most of the time. The best way to prevent a shark attack is to avoid going into ocean water like I do! I've survived quite a youthful while without ever having been attacked by a shark, because I just don't go to the beach period! I live in LA and all, which is supposedly world-famous for its beaches and shit, but BROTHA PULEAZE! Water's too cold off the West Coast, sewer-ridden, and ya just never know when a great white might be lurking beneath the surface ready to take a nice chomp at one of yer precious ass cheeks! T'is why I'm prolly pale like Casper the Friendly Ghost, because I just don't tan either; melanoma sounds more evil to be honest, than a sharkey bite!

I must've been scarred for life or traumatized in a good way I suppose by the 1975 classic Spielberg film Jaws. My mom says I was obsessed with it as a child and would hum the now famous tune all the time and even play with toy sharks during bath time. I can't even recall at this point how many freakin' times I've seen the movie, but it has been a'plenty. Ya gotta love the adventures of Chief Brody, geeky scientist Hooper, and that chauvinistic old school fisherman Quint and their Moby Dick-like adventures on the high sea battling that massive behemoth man-eating great white off the East Coast. It really sucked for though for poor Chrissie at the beginning of the movie; that poor bitch was thrashed and shred to pieces by that monster.

As of this very moment that I type this, they're showing on Discovery the story of that WWII vessel the USS Indianapolis that sank off the Pacific in 1945. Those poor Navy guys were floating around in that water for days as sharks circled them and took bites here and there; this was that creepy story Quint tells in Jaws while the boys were chilling one night having a few drinks at sea. Most of them died from drowning and exposure, and this is when the sharks truly chowed down on the poor seamen and left their bodies stripped to the bone.

I'm all for conservation and saving the environment okay? Four people on average are killed a year by sharks, whereas 40 million sharks are killed by humans! Who's really the more destructive species hmmmm? Leave the sharks alone! They are part of our ecosystem and belong there for a reason. If you like going into the ocean, be aware that a shark can get you in water that is really not that deep, but the chances are highly unlikely. We're more at risk of getting rammed head on by a drunk/coked up Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Nicole Ritchie, or Lindsay Lohan than we are of getting bitten by a shark okay?!

Stick to swimming pools like I do if you're that concerned and deal with the possible danger of a floating turd instead!

6 comments:

Poz Mikey said...

OMG I was traumatized the same way when I saw Jaws. I ♥ sharks!!!

Todd said...

Speaking of having your ass bitten by a shark, in INTO THE BLUE, Ashley Scott gets her pretty rear end eaten off by a shark. It's pretty graphic when they pull her out of the water. Best part of the movie, btw...

M- Filer said...

I'm usually not morbid, but I spooked myself into believing I was about to get malled by "Jaws" on several occaisions when I was at the beach earlier this month. At the time I wanted them all shot and killed with Harpoons.

Now that I am home I think they are cute and they should be allowed to live.

Gary said...

I remember watching Jaws in the theater and being the only one who screamed when a dead body floated into view. Nice! Everyone laughed but I am sure that it was because it broke the tension.
Does your lack of beach going mean that I'll never get to see you in that speedo?

molly said...

shark movies amuse me because i never go into the ocean anyway because i cant really swim
but if i was dropped into the ocean...id be doubly concerned

Crazy Eddie said...

I remember being chased by a HUGE horseshoe crab here on the east coast when I was a child and I never got over it. I recall being waist-deep in the water and to my horror, seeing a huge shadow slowly swimming towards me. The sun was shining heavily that day so I clearly saw what it was.

Like a horrific nightmare coming into fruition, I began to run to the shore, only to be slowed down by the massive waves that seemed to push me in the opposite direction. Not good...

Besos