Friday, December 14, 2007

THE SKINNY ON WAT.

Am I smarter than a fifth grader? I better be!

I just realized how much I love Cheetos. Both the Crunchy and Puffs versions. Really unhealthy snacks I suppose, but I love them. Thee fingers are left orange-stained messes; chemicals in that junk probably cause horrid mutations inside the human body, but I just can't resist me a nice bag of the stuff. I tried getting into the Flaming Hot Cheetos, but hot damn, they destory my gastrointestinal tract and cause me some bad heartburn. As a child, Doritos were my fav I suppose, but not so much as an adult anymore due to the fact they leave ya with that strange malodorous breath for hours and I just never know when I might meet someone and decide to French kiss and stick my tongue down their throat with passionate delirious wild abandon! Frito Lay, you are my heroes, even if the rest of America is turning into a nation of the really plump and obese.

Speaking of weight issues, I could use an extra 20 lbs. The gym tones me up, but doesn't really bulk me up per se. It's not easy for me to gain weight, since I happen to be naturally lean with thankfully broad shoulders. Plus, suffering anxiety disorder and taking an anti-depressant also keep me on the skinny side. Most are jealous and think I look fine. BUT THEN THERE ARE THE NAYSAYERS. THE ONES THAT THINK I AM ON MY LAST LEGS SUFFERING FROM THE LAST STAGES OF A TERMINAL ILLNESS. Usually dumb envious fat people will say comments to me that I should eat more or ask if I am okay. How hurtful can these people be?! I guess it sucks for them since they're upset their once thin frames have collapsed and morphed them into large ocean creatures! One particular girl/co-worker who's about average size constantly mocks me for being skinny, until just the other day I got fed up and told her to leave my cubicle and get lost! Yeah, the bitch felt bad, but it's too late Mexican crater face! She went too far when she said I looked as anorexically hideous as J Lo's skeleton hubby Marc Anthony and that I had no ass! HUH? I almost felt like saying, "Lemme pull my pants down and show you my nice sweet ass and giant thick jackhammer cock you stupid bitch!", but common sense and decency won out and so a good, "I'm not liking you very much right now, so please leave my cubicle." was enough to make the beast leave with her tail between her legs. She tried to apologize but I had my back turned to her as I typed away on my computer and gave her the silent treatment. Her loss right? Yeah, her f*cking loss is RIGHT. No more of my cool jokes, wicked laugh, or hilarious anecdotes for you sweetheart. I only wish she and other indiscreet skinny hating assholes understood and knew that I look decently okay and actually kinda hot naked and that I'm not some starving Somalian lying on a dirt floor with flies buzzing in my face and vultures flying overhead waiting for me to croak. In the hetero world I guess, skinny women are much more acceptable than skinny men. Women expect males to be built/buff and crap. Well, not in the gay world. IN MA WORLD, I AM POPULAR, SO STFU AND THANKS! Must be the swinging large thick pendulum. AHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ahem.

And yeah, so I'm skinny, Jodie Foster is a lesbo, Major League Baseball is ridden with steroid users, and the military is full of shit and knowingly allows openly gay men to serve anyway, especially during wartime.

So obviously obvious! Where's my Cheetos?

12 comments:

Poz Mikey said...

Sweety U R fine just the way u r.

Happy holidays

Scot said...

I don't think you're too skinny. Not at all. But, how to put this delicately, it looks like you had gastric bypass surgery and never replaced your wardrobe. I know you hate shopping, but some fitted shirts and less baggy pants would make those same bitches give out cat calls. I'd lend you soething, but my clothes would all be too short for you.

Marko said...

Uggh, I hate cheetos. lol!
Speaking of a gym, I need to get my ass to one, pronto just havent had the money.

Now matter what people say about you WAT, your fine just the way you are!

Todd said...

My boss always says I'm anorexic. Whatever. I have managed to put on seven pounds this past semester. I must starve myself over the holidays, obviously...

So how often do you shove your tongue down someone's throat in delirious abandon? I would do it daily, but I'd get beaten up a lot probably.

Palm Springs Savant said...

as as kid I loved em too..but I hate the orange finger syndrom that results afterward. No matter how many times I rub my fingers it never goes away without soap and water. So no wonder you get bad breath from them!

re: bulking up: try more burgers for lunch!

M- Filer said...

yup...it's the large thick swinging pendulum. That's why your popular with the mo's. Also your beautiful body and smooth ready-for-broadcast voice.

Gary said...

Since we are sharing I thought I would share my thoughts on being skinny. Most of my life I have tried to gain weight - I was forever stuck at 147. And everyone would comment on how skinny I was and I hated that. Once I told someone that they were looking fat after a comment like this to highlight the fact that I did not think these constant comments were welcomed.

The truth is that most people comment because they are jealous. In a country with so many overweight people and folks battling the pounds with diets and worry, the skinny ones need to be brought down a bit.

BTW, if I say you are skinny will you drop your draws and show me just how good you look underneath the clothes?

kimy said...

god I haven't had a cheeto in years, now all I can think of is opening a bag of the crunchy variety (but a bag of puffs) would be okay too.

regarding weight issues I think it's deplorable and tragic that over 35% of americans are obese...I'm neither skinny nor fat - although like most women I would say I'd love to lose 10 pounds but too lazy or hedonistic to do anything about it, so I'm content where I am. I'm 52, 5'7" and weigh btw 133 and 139 (depending on the day and season - right now am entering the high weight season just because with the snow around I don't do quite as much walking) comparatively speaking I'm not in too bad shape and is what I weighed in my 20s

next time the (jealous)girl co-worker or someone else is hassling you about being thin/skinny, just laugh and say "haven't you heard sweetheart, no one can be too thin or too rich" - and of course you can elaborate about how you've got the thin down and the rich part is just going happen when it happens...

WendyB said...

"no ass! HUH? I almost felt like saying, "Lemme pull my pants down and show you my nice sweet ass and giant thick jackhammer cock you stupid bitch!"

GOD, I WISH someone would say that to me! But they can leave out the stupid part.

durante said...

All this weight talk... glad final exams are over and that I can go to the gym tomorrow after work. ;)

durante vita

Christopher said...

"Lemme pull my pants down and show you my nice sweet ass and giant thick jackhammer cock you stupid bitch!"...

...could you please whisper that into my ear?

d. chedwick bryant said...

i own a Chester Cheese Mug, and I hate those kinds of snacks-- you should really have the mug!

To gain weight, I'd suggest drinking a smoothie for an extra snack, --just adding some extra snacks during the day--but not crap with chemicals--