Friday, August 28, 2009

LIFE HAS ITS UPS...

And so, I find myself as of late in a terrible emotional state of inadequacy, loneliness, emptiness, and forced conformity.

What good was it to go to college, when all I got out of it was personal enlightenment and a brain full of fascinating but useless facts--not the career I had originally intended? Instead, I've had a job now for the better part of eight and half years that has become boring, monotonous, and completely non-challenging nor creative. I can't just up and leave it either, for my financial responsibilities are great, and the never-ending cycle and trap of the bills and a home to pay keep me forever imprisoned it seems. But more and more, my attendance and punctuality to the office suffer as a result of my growing depression--all that once wonderful time I had on the books is slowly but surely dwindling away, as I find it increasingly difficult just to get up in the morning and go in. There are those days I do take off work, and then they are wasted away by me sleeping hours and hours, hibernating away to escape my reality. My co-workers can be kind and lend me an ear, but they can only go so far as to help me in my misery, for it is I who ultimately has the power to decide what to do with myself when it comes to making a living. I honestly wish I did not have to worry about money right now or ever, but alas, I do not have the fortune of having comfortable amounts of cash to fall back on, so I can take time off to ponder my next moves or to find myself as a human being. This kind of self-exploration and decision-making was supposed to happen in my late teens and early twenties, but instead I got trapped by the office cubicle world into believing that time would be on my side forever. The only thing that has happened is that time has passed mercilessly fast, and although not old by any means, I am OLDER and much more chained by my situation than I was back in my true youth. I work it seems, only to make the rich RICHER and to pay taxes to our crooked corrupt government, but where's my personal satisfaction? I HAVE NONE! ZILCH! Anxiety/depression thwarted me then, and continue to oppress me even now.

Then comes the recent realization that my earlier beliefs in romance and sex have been completely overturned by my "maturing" as a person. I could easily have tons of meaningless casual one-night stands here and there before, and be fine with it, but as of late I have grown tired and sick of it all really. Don't get me wrong, I always had at least something in common and was a gracious friendly person with most of my conquests, but what do I have to show for it now, other than to feel alone and used by all those people?! Yes, can you imagine that?! I FEEL CHEAP AND USED NOW! Now my quest for settling down and finding that one person will be tough, for I wonder if karma has now decided to rain down upon me and make me feel all these terrible sad emotions of loneliness and unrequited love that I made my original partner feel back when HE wanted to settle down, but I wasn't ready for it. This has all begun to pollute my brain due to recent run-ins with casual encounters from my past and feelings of infatuation which I haven't felt in years. I love sex, don't get me wrong, but it is now becoming tedious only to be wanted for this purpose alone! Yes, I happen to have one of the world's most pleasurable penises (LOLOLOL!), but is that all there is to me? Am I not charming, good-looking, witty, funny, and intelligent enough to get to know; to take out on dates or vacations as well?! Since when did I become such a romantic sap I wonder?! HOW IN THA HELL DID THIS EVER HAPPEN TO A ONCE MIGHTY AND PROUD INVULNERABLE SOUL LIKE MYSELF?!

I was once so strong and aloof to all of this. I really was. Life used to full of endless possibilities for me where nothing felt like an obstacle or chore, but now all I feel is unmotivated, completely defeated, and programmed like a robot to do what I have to do, and that's it. What tha hell has happened to me and why can't I see the light at the end of this bitter dark tunnel? The worst part is when I start to stupidly compare my life to that of others and how others seem to be going places and forging ahead, while I'm still stagnant and stuck in the mud. To be employed, even in this massive economic depression does not help to make me feel better at all. AT ALL. I can count my blessings till the cows come home, but alas, my feelings of failure are powerful at times.

As of late, it is fascinating historical documentaries such as this which keep me mercifully distracted and somewhat entertained. The late great Sir Laurence Olivier narrates:

10 comments:

RG said...

YOU, my handsome friend, are suffering from classic depression. I'm not going to tell you to "buck up", or "life's great! Enjoy it!" because those lovely little phrases suck.

What I would suggest is that you schedule some more sessions with your therapist, because he/she will be able to ask the right questions to help you out.

And finally, I feel bad, that you feel bad - I know. I've been there and to some degree still am.

mkf said...

i won't insult you with advice, but i'm curious--back on that sweet, shining day when you graduated from college, how did you envision your life eight years hence; i.e., what would you be doing today if you'd had your choice?

enquiring minds wanna know.

A Lewis said...

I'm totally in line with the other two well wishers that cliche phrases won't do shit for you. But I would like to encourage you to KEEP ON TALKING....to a therapist, friend, family, us, whoever....just keep on a talkin'! Don't hold things in or let them pile up on you..... I'm always around via email if you need me. here's to better days ahead!

mkf said...

[now for my drunken comment, which i just know you were waiting for--god knows i was]

existential angst, expertly and eloquently expressed--i get it, you're a rat in a trap.

reason i get it is because i've been there. my real question is: you've defined the problem, so what are you gonna do about it?

think carefully before you answer; otherwise, you and your glorified dick of death are gonna suddenly look up twenty years from now and find yourself like me.

sttropezbutler said...

Listening.

STB

WAT said...

Mkf: My question exactly, just what am I gonna do about it?

alice said...

I'm so sorry that you feel so lonely and defeated, Will. When you are in this state, it's almost impossible to find your joy.

I concur with the previous posters about keeping the communication lines open - especially as long as you are in this funk. You need to talk, and talk often - and even if no one else has any good suggestions about "what you should do", something may occur to you as you continue to explore your feelings. In other words, the light bulb just might appear over your head when you least expect it.

I have not been as lonely in my past, even though certain events did isolate me. But I do understand the feeling of just putting in time at a job you hate. It effects all aspects of your life and it is virtually impossible to feel creatively satisfied. But I tell you, and this is not blowing smoke up your ass, please don't give up on looking for something else. I did not find my dream job until I was 48, so it's never too late. I don't make hoards of money, yet I love going to work every day. I feel richer than having lots of cash at my disposal. I know that you HAVE to make a certain amount, just to pay the bills, and I understand that too. But circumstances can change and perhaps you just can't see it yet. Don't give up hope, sweetie.

mkf said...

i came back over here tonight to delete whatever arrogant, drunk-ass comment i'd left last time [if it makes you feel any better, i only leave those for people i like], but instead, since you ask, i'm gonna tell you what i think you should do.

first, understand you're operating in learned-helplessness mode, which means that state of mind where you feel like you're fucked no matter what you do, so you might as well just stay in bed and pull the covers over your head.

the fact that this is far from true--especially in your case--doesn't matter; long as you buy into it, then i might as well be true.

if i were sitting across a table from you at starbucks, i'd ask you all sorts of questions, find out what your passions are, and thus walk you down the path until you figured out--like alice up there did at 48--something you could do for a living that you loved so much that it didn't even seem like work.

because that's what you have to do, wat, and there are all sorts of ways to do it--career counselors, books ("what color is your parachute?" is a great one), websites, you name it.

and then once you come up with a list of jobs that you would totally get outta bed for every day with complete enthusiasm, you need to systematically and intelligently narrow 'em down to the most likely fit for your skill-set and sensibilities.

look: you're young, smart, degreed, attractive, articulate, you write well, you're passionate about your true interests and have great people skills--do you realize how far up the employment food chain those attributes put you in the real world? and that's not even counting the pleasurable penis.

bottom line: my advice is to do what seems hardest when you're in that lethargic, hopeless state of depression i know so well: take some action to change things. trust me, anything is better than nothing.

and i'll also echo what everybody else said--keep talking, even if it's only to us.

Bill German said...

http://walkingonscorpions.blogspot.com/2005/03/working-so-i-can-pay-off-car-so-i-can.html

Palm Springs Savant said...

ditto what other said about the therapist time.
I wonder if you should try some hobby or two outside of your normal routine, perhaps something like running, or volunteering somewhere. It might give you a new sense of purpose and break some of the boredom. by the way, did you say you had one of the more pleasurable peni....oh nevermind. curiosity will just have to kill me.