And so, I find myself as of late in a terrible emotional state of inadequacy, loneliness, emptiness, and forced conformity.
What good was it to go to college, when all I got out of it was personal enlightenment and a brain full of fascinating but useless facts--not the career I had originally intended? Instead, I've had a job now for the better part of eight and half years that has become boring, monotonous, and completely non-challenging nor creative. I can't just up and leave it either, for my financial responsibilities are great, and the never-ending cycle and trap of the bills and a home to pay keep me forever imprisoned it seems. But more and more, my attendance and punctuality to the office suffer as a result of my growing depression--all that once wonderful time I had on the books is slowly but surely dwindling away, as I find it increasingly difficult just to get up in the morning and go in. There are those days I do take off work, and then they are wasted away by me sleeping hours and hours, hibernating away to escape my reality. My co-workers can be kind and lend me an ear, but they can only go so far as to help me in my misery, for it is I who ultimately has the power to decide what to do with myself when it comes to making a living. I honestly wish I did not have to worry about money right now or ever, but alas, I do not have the fortune of having comfortable amounts of cash to fall back on, so I can take time off to ponder my next moves or to find myself as a human being. This kind of self-exploration and decision-making was supposed to happen in my late teens and early twenties, but instead I got trapped by the office cubicle world into believing that time would be on my side forever. The only thing that has happened is that time has passed mercilessly fast, and although not old by any means, I am OLDER and much more chained by my situation than I was back in my true youth. I work it seems, only to make the rich RICHER and to pay taxes to our crooked corrupt government, but where's my personal satisfaction? I HAVE NONE! ZILCH! Anxiety/depression thwarted me then, and continue to oppress me even now.
Then comes the recent realization that my earlier beliefs in romance and sex have been completely overturned by my "maturing" as a person. I could easily have tons of meaningless casual one-night stands here and there before, and be fine with it, but as of late I have grown tired and sick of it all really. Don't get me wrong, I always had at least something in common and was a gracious friendly person with most of my conquests, but what do I have to show for it now, other than to feel alone and used by all those people?! Yes, can you imagine that?! I FEEL CHEAP AND USED NOW! Now my quest for settling down and finding that one person will be tough, for I wonder if karma has now decided to rain down upon me and make me feel all these terrible sad emotions of loneliness and unrequited love that I made my original partner feel back when HE wanted to settle down, but I wasn't ready for it. This has all begun to pollute my brain due to recent run-ins with casual encounters from my past and feelings of infatuation which I haven't felt in years. I love sex, don't get me wrong, but it is now becoming tedious only to be wanted for this purpose alone! Yes, I happen to have one of the world's most pleasurable penises (LOLOLOL!), but is that all there is to me? Am I not charming, good-looking, witty, funny, and intelligent enough to get to know; to take out on dates or vacations as well?! Since when did I become such a romantic sap I wonder?! HOW IN THA HELL DID THIS EVER HAPPEN TO A ONCE MIGHTY AND PROUD INVULNERABLE SOUL LIKE MYSELF?!
I was once so strong and aloof to all of this. I really was. Life used to full of endless possibilities for me where nothing felt like an obstacle or chore, but now all I feel is unmotivated, completely defeated, and programmed like a robot to do what I have to do, and that's it. What tha hell has happened to me and why can't I see the light at the end of this bitter dark tunnel? The worst part is when I start to stupidly compare my life to that of others and how others seem to be going places and forging ahead, while I'm still stagnant and stuck in the mud. To be employed, even in this massive economic depression does not help to make me feel better at all. AT ALL. I can count my blessings till the cows come home, but alas, my feelings of failure are powerful at times.
As of late, it is fascinating historical documentaries such as this which keep me mercifully distracted and somewhat entertained. The late great Sir Laurence Olivier narrates: