Monday, April 23, 2007


I watched this movie Shortbus, and I have mixed feelings about it. On one hand, it was a fun hardcore almost XXX porn-caliber sexfest, on the other, it was a confusing poorly-acted and depressing motion picture. I loved the actor/writer/director John Cameron Mitchell in Hedwig and the Angry Inch, but this Shortbus movie was not all that; really found the Asian woman character kind of annoying. The film left me empty, sad, and very down due to one of the gay male characters in the film actually attempting to end his own life . UGH. The last thing I need to feel really. I was recommended this film by others who made it sound fun; I didn't expect it to be so dreary as well. I think I may have identified way too much with the character James in the film.

No need to be alarmed or concerned good people. I'm not going to kill myself. Thought about how I would go about doing it once-in-a-while (haven't we sickeningly all?), but I don't have the guts to do it. At least not at this point in my life, and hopefully never, although there is something strangely heroic/fascinating about being able to determine one's own end. I'm still young, relatively healthy, and decently good-looking--I do have a lot to live for, although my current job, certain responsibilities, and my anxiety disorder really leave me feeling down sometimes. I almost feel frustrated and ready to break down many days. Life is wonderful, yet so sucky at times. I really wish I didn't feel so miserable like I often do. Yeah yeah, I'm going to be seeing a new therapist soon, so at least I'm taking some sort of action, although not as much action as I feel I should be taking. No children for me in this life; definitely not now at least! Jesus, I'm a child myself still, that needs lots of nurturing and understanding.

Whatever man. I have to make major life decisions within the next 5 years. Although I do have a lot to be grateful for, there is a lot that is really bringing me down. I want the simplest life possible, and I often feel I don't have this--I have too many financial responsibilities and am helping other family members in the process. It's time I became selfish. I want to live a purely hedonistic life. Surround myself with as many of life's pleasures as possible. If I can finally earn a living someday soon doing something that I truly love, then I think life will be less of a chore.

In the end, I pray to God to help me. I do believe he is listening to me somehow. As much as the world seems to be going to hell quicker than my penis going into a butthole, there is hope I believe. Despite the fact that I'm mortal and that all this bullshit seems meaningless and utterly pointless, my existential side cracks under optimistic hope in the end. I had a dream not too many nights ago, where I actually heard God's voice say to me, "Son, as sad as you often feel, and as meaningless as much of existence seems to you, there is a point to this all, and an essence that will continue even after you die." That was nice to hear.

Onward to my ultimate goal in this life: Complete and utter blissful hedonism!

Maybe this was a good freakin' movie!

Sure has me feeling its effects hours after!


M- Filer said...

I felt "hung over" from my weekend and I don't even drink or use drugs. Entirely over worked, frustrated and in a funk this morning, but a friend said to me "you are doing far better than your mind wants you to believe"

My guess is that is true for you as well.

Preciosa said...

I don't even know what to say... after witnessing what I did last night I'm at a loss.. BIG HUGS my friend!!

laurenbove said...

I'm a big beliver in the point to life is what you make of it.

I wish I had a religious side to comfort me further, but, alas, I do not.

Stay cool and have fun. I stopped thinking hard long ago, and its helped me mostly.





Sebastien said...

Great post... glad to hear you will see a new therapist, hopefully that'll help...

but I understand, so many responsibilities in life! I'm so happy that when I got sick, I wasn't married and with kids, I can't imagine how fucked I would've been, not being able to work or take care of anybody, let alone myself, my illness would've been even more stressful than it already has been!

I'm sure you will make it through... I think there are difficult periods in life, and they can last for years and years, but as terrible as suffering and anxiety can be, I think when we suffer, well it helps put the good in perspective and really allows us to appreciate it, no? Anyways, I think that you are a talented individual, and one way or the other, you are going to make this journey through life and find a really good groove along the way!

Hey, by the way, if you get a chance check out this singer, Jacques Dutronc, heard of him? Here's a vid of his, I think you'll like this...

And keep hanging in there WAT!!!

Junk Thief said...

Short Bus greatly disappointed me as well. And, dern, why did I pay full retail at Virgin for the dern thing. Besides the National Anthem section, I thought that it was interesting that Jonathan Caouette auditioned for the film and went on to make "Tarnation" which deals with even darker material but comes to a much more hopeful conclusion. I guess I have a problem with a "queer" film in which a woman's orgasm is the finale.

Believe me, girls, they're great, but there's more to life and sex than that.

Yeah, well, life can be a downer, and hedonism, when properly applied as a tool not as a reason for being, is a great help. As long as you know it will be gone in the morning and that there are more out there, all is fine.

laurenbove said...

huh? Hedonism isn't a reason for being? I'm confused.

Scot said...

1: I love Lauren

2: You're not so bad either.

3: Been working on the hedonism thing yself for a while, but really the mundane is much more soothing. Digging in the dirt, doing turns in my living room until I'm giddy: those are hugely rewarding.

4: I know the Golden Gate Bridge is beautiful, but there's always another way even if it's packing up a car and disappearing for a year.

Emma said...

sometimes i have moments of highly dramatized bunny-boiling insanity where i actually feel like i want to jump off a bridge. but then i remember- a. i am neither destructive nor interesting enough to do something like that, b. i tend to blow things out of proportion in my head until someone brings me back down to earth, and c. i can't die without knowing who wins america's next top model. will it be the tranny, the tranny...or the tranny?

alexgirl said...

This is a weird time of year and always puts me in a f*cked up mood.

Thanks for your Shortbus review. Hedwig was so freaking awesome, but Shortbus sounds really depressing, and I'm so not in the mood for that.

Ahem, I can't believe you think Shia looks like Corey Feldman. I think you've ruined him for me!! ;)

laurenbove said...

Love you back, Scot. Still waiting on that footrub in the garden with ravioli.

Sir Jorge said...

THe movie was lackluster, and it did have a lot of sex, for seemingly no reason.