Tuesday, December 01, 2009


I thought for sure I was going to have an amazing Thanksgiving weekend, but it was not meant to be. Sure, I had a nice family meal, and got to hang out with some friends here and there. But somehow, my mind could not stray away from negative/pessimistic thoughts about my life and worth in general. My levels of frustration, irritability, and hopelessness at times were and continue to be strong, and this is not good. I need a new happy pill or two or three. A new job for sure. A new sense of worth. A handsome wealthy bastard to take care of me for a bit? LOL! Oh, Lord. People are supposed to have all this figured out by my age correct?! I don't understand...I really don't and it sucks. Yesterday I could not get myself out of bed, and this is happening more frequently. I don't care about Tiger Woods' accident or his marital problems. He has lots of moola, and it helps tremendously to help deal with many of life's curve balls, so STFU already about him. He is obviously successful, something which I am frankly not. Anyway, pray or wish me well, or whatever it is you do to send me good/positive energy. Please do understand I am not trying to be a victim here or garner sympathy, but the level of despair I feel is real and profound and I would not want to wish this on anybody whatsoever. It does not help that I am very much into someone as of late and cannot get over them as easily as I would like to either. ARGH! At least my HIV test came back negative last week. Something to cheer about right?

I did watch a very good 1933 film called Dancing Lady starring Joan Crawford and Clark Gable. This was well made and fun to watch. Franchot Tone (Joan's second husband and the man Bette Davis wanted and hated Joan for), was in the movie, as well as cameos by the Three Stooges and Fred Astaire's first major film role. I love old movies, and this one was certainly entertaining and fascinating, and looked damn good on DVD.

Anyway, there were some moments of true fun and glee at least this past weekend, as evidenced by these photos:


Conclave27 said...

I am glad despite the "blazing harsh light of reality", you can find the shadows of comfort within your real friends. The people who can make you laugh and forget all troubles for awhile.

As I have always said before, ignore those negative feelings. At the age your at... trust me you are doing great despite the hurdles you may see. Never doubt yourself worth as a person, you have no idea how much joy and happiness you have brought people, how much provocative thought you have inspired. Some words of that may help comfort....

"Just keep moving forward"

"We learn far more from our failures than we can ever achieve from our successes"

"What does not kill us only makes us stronger"

"Maw Maw Maw"

RG said...

WAT, I'm 48, and I still have not figured it all out - yet. Probably never will either.

But it's interesting one color puzzle to figure out. All the pieces fit, I just don't know where!

You'll find your place in the universe soon enough - of that I'm sure.

Ladrón de Basura (a.k.a. Junk Thief) said...

Sorry to hear that you're in a funk but hope that Joan helped pull you out a bit. I have yet to figure it out at 53 but have long since given up trying to do so. That helps tremendously.

mkf said...

having spent more than my fair share of time in a similar miserable state, i feel your pain and wouldn't wish it on anybody, much less you.

and unfortunately this shit knows no reason, which is why i'm (uncharacteristically) not gonna give you any advice--except maybe to be thankful that you harbor within your depressed psyche that rare spark which resonates not only with a hard case like me (and trust me, i hate most everybody), but good people like conclave27 up there.

hang in, babe--this too shall pass.

Bill German said...

i'll be your sugah daddie

Gary said...

I am a huge fan of escaping with the old movies. Check out Waterloo Bridge with Vivien Leigh or any of her stuff with Larry (such as That Hamilton Woman).