Well, here we are my friends. The last part of 2009. And I can't wait till this f**king year is over.
I thought I had it all under control somewhat at the beginning of this year, then I made it into my mid-thir...TWENTIES in July, and something changed. For as much as I have easily slept with most of the city of LA without forming any true attachments, I began to develop really strong feelings for someone in particular, and although this person likes me, I know deep down inside they are not, nor will ever be in love with me. And of course, we all know love cannot be forced. Ya either feel it, or you don't. Alas, all those years of feeling romantically impervious and invincible against the forces which made Romeo and Juliet madly enamored--those very feelings suddenly descended upon me. So many have told me that this is a step in the right direction, that I am finally maturing and ready for commitment, that the one-night stands are no longer going to be fulfilling and that the time has finally come for something truly meaningful. I cannot argue with this at all. But did I have to be into someone this much that will not really reciprocate back?! WHAT GIVES MAN?! AM I STUPID?! HAVE I LOST MY F*CKING MIND?! ARGH! Must I shed these tears and feel this pain in order to GROW AND MATURE as they say? What a shitty raw deal! I mean, REALLY! It's so depressing and downright cruel. My beloved bud from Kentucky told me last night, "Now you pull yourself together honey, and don't even think about going on job disability. If everyone that feels heartbroken did that, our economy would get worse! And the last thing you need is time off to get even more depressed!" He's right, but I'm not used to being romantically heartbroken for God's sake! I'm just not. I feel weak and terribly vulnerable.
To add to my misery, I got the c*nt supervisor at work giving me more tasks to do and giving me subtle warnings about my attendance and my desk being messy and crap. Yeah, I just love her phony smile and new wig. Makes the ho look like she cut off a horse's tail and put it on her head. It would've been so neat if I could've just reached across the meeting room table yesterday and choked her till her eyes comically popped out of her skull. This is the bullshit of working in the real world I'm afraid. This is what happens when one does not plan one's life accordingly and show more ambition, but instead one allows procrastination and a lame anxiety disorder to take fierce control over one's soul. They say it's never too late? Oh for Christ's sake, all my whining and carrying on will not solve a thing. My issues will still be there tomorrow and the day after, until I take appropriate healthy and constructive action. What exactly should I do though is always my fundamental problem.
I love Almodóvar's movies, and I love Penélope Cruz: