I came out of the closet today. Without even trying really. I almost feel like a celebrity in the tabloids:
Apparently, one of my older half brothers ran into MySpace page, and found out the truth. I’m pretty sure the entire extended empire that is my Dad’s side of the family knows my little secret now as it spreads like those wildfires raging in Sedona, AZ at this moment. I even got a call from my other half brother who was very supportive on the phone about the whole issue. To be honest, I rarely talk to these fools or see them, but this story for sure has me on their "front page headlines." Cyberspace can give u away, and quick!
Ah well. So it goes. Couldn’t hide the "secret" forever right? And I know everyone has suspected or known for years, so I kinda do feel kinda relieved to be honest. And a little uncomfortable too. I dunno man, this is such a delicate controversial issue, and I often feel as though there are still lots of people out there who claim to be accepting of gays, but behind the façade still think we’re going to hell or are just plain fucked in the head.
Case in point: my own mother. When she found out some seven years ago about her son's urge ta screw boys, she broke down, blamed herself, but then came to the conclusion she would love and accept me for who I was.
God forbid I talk about this or admit it to other family/friends, for she says her reputation is at stake and that they're gonna blame her and it's just plain embarrassing. One time, she kept saying, "I just don't understand how you can go against nature like this. Men were clearly created for women! None of your other relatives seem to be like this!" Well, she's wrong there! Plenty of fags in my family boys and girls! And more yet to come!
I love mom, but I really don't feel like she gets it, or ever will. And this is why I don't like to discuss this with certain folks and some of my traditional immediate and large extended family. They're all happily married, or have already bred and had children, whilst here I am, one of the lonely few going against the grain. I can't tell you how awful and lonely I felt at my half sister's funeral earlier this year, ta see that lots of my relatives had their own kids now and crap, and there I was...the fag. No chick, no kids, and no connection, other than to grieve for my brave sister. And to have to answer questions about my personal life really makes me uncomfortable...unless I truly get the sense that they're really interested without being judgmental; something a lot of people do to gays and lesbians is ta deal with them as if they were another species or something. Many people just continue to be judgmental, making the chore of revealing this very annoying.
Lemme tell ya, this can be a real lonely existence, and many times, our TRUE families are the friends we make. With my friends, I am myself and don't have to hide anything. I can cuss, express all kinds of faggotries, and not hide behind any barrier as I often feel I have to with my family. Even though they now know per se, I just don't think I can be that comfortable. It just feels too fuckin' weird.
From what they said ta me, it sounds like I'm gonna get lots of acceptance from at least three of the boys in my family. So all in all, this was a good groundbreaking day. I'm hoping I don't get any negative calls or overhear something really rude or just plain mean/hurtful from other blood relatives; just say it behind my back, and let me live my life. You straight boys enjoy girl-on-girl action so much, this ain't really that different.
I've already cried and suffered years ago over this, and have come to love and accept who I am. It's either that, or be miserable, and life's too fuckin' short to be.
What THEY or any others may think that is negative or wrong with male on male action, is not my problem anymore.