Well.I came out of the closet today. Without even trying really. I almost feel like a celebrity in the tabloids:
Apparently, one of my older half brothers ran into MySpace page, and found out the truth. I’m pretty sure the entire extended empire that is my Dad’s side of the family knows my little secret now as it spreads like those wildfires raging in Sedona, AZ at this moment. I even got a call from my other half brother who was very supportive on the phone about the whole issue. To be honest, I rarely talk to these fools or see them, but this story for sure has me on their "front page headlines." Cyberspace can give u away, and quick!
Ah well. So it goes. Couldn’t hide the "secret" forever right? And I know everyone has suspected or known for years, so I kinda do feel kinda relieved to be honest. And a little uncomfortable too. I dunno man, this is such a delicate controversial issue, and I often feel as though there are still lots of people out there who claim to be accepting of gays, but behind the façade still think we’re going to hell or are just plain fucked in the head.
Case in point: my own mother. When she found out some seven years ago about her son's urge ta screw boys, she broke down, blamed herself, but then came to the conclusion she would love and accept me for who I was.
HOWEVER:
God forbid I talk about this or admit it to other family/friends, for she says her reputation is at stake and that they're gonna blame her and it's just plain embarrassing. One time, she kept saying, "I just don't understand how you can go against nature like this. Men were clearly created for women! None of your other relatives seem to be like this!" Well, she's wrong there! Plenty of fags in my family boys and girls! And more yet to come!
I love mom, but I really don't feel like she gets it, or ever will. And this is why I don't like to discuss this with certain folks and some of my traditional immediate and large extended family. They're all happily married, or have already bred and had children, whilst here I am, one of the lonely few going against the grain. I can't tell you how awful and lonely I felt at my half sister's funeral earlier this year, ta see that lots of my relatives had their own kids now and crap, and there I was...the fag. No chick, no kids, and no connection, other than to grieve for my brave sister. And to have to answer questions about my personal life really makes me uncomfortable...unless I truly get the sense that they're really interested without being judgmental; something a lot of people do to gays and lesbians is ta deal with them as if they were another species or something. Many people just continue to be judgmental, making the chore of revealing this very annoying.
Lemme tell ya, this can be a real lonely existence, and many times, our TRUE families are the friends we make. With my friends, I am myself and don't have to hide anything. I can cuss, express all kinds of faggotries, and not hide behind any barrier as I often feel I have to with my family. Even though they now know per se, I just don't think I can be that comfortable. It just feels too fuckin' weird.
From what they said ta me, it sounds like I'm gonna get lots of acceptance from at least three of the boys in my family. So all in all, this was a good groundbreaking day. I'm hoping I don't get any negative calls or overhear something really rude or just plain mean/hurtful from other blood relatives; just say it behind my back, and let me live my life. You straight boys enjoy girl-on-girl action so much, this ain't really that different.
I've already cried and suffered years ago over this, and have come to love and accept who I am. It's either that, or be miserable, and life's too fuckin' short to be.
What THEY or any others may think that is negative or wrong with male on male action, is not my problem anymore.
11 comments:
Dude if you need support e mail me. Mikey
Oh yeah I'm off tomorrow and on a roomies computer.
Hey Wil - the ones that don't get it, are not worth worrying about. And if they shun you, they will be missing out on the company of a pretty terrific person. Their loss!! Cling to the people who love you without judgment. Like Me!!!
Well as you said it had to happen sometime.
Just remember despite what most of the fools might say, "You are a very valuable person". For the years I have known you, you have percivered and triumphed over many things. Stay strong . . . and remember... you have lived a respectable life compared to most of your kin.
Who knows... in your great gene-pool empire perhaps you'll find some similar kin...1/5..... ;-P
We can't make everyone in the world love us. Even in my crazy, liberal family there are a few who deny the truth. Families are important, but living your own life is more so.
Damn that myspace!
Well, in some months you probably will look back at this as a good thing. Now there is nothing to pretend or hide with those relatives, and it'll also be good for them to see that a great guy is a great guy independent of his sexuality. Maybe they'll think twice before making a joke about gay people again, or making fun of somebody.
Although I;ve been out in my immediate family fvor a while now, my mom has the same approach, she won't tell friends and relatives about it. It sucks.
Im sorry that it happened that way for you.
My Mom still doesnt get it after almost 10 years, shes alot better with it now, but there still is that tinge that she cant accept it. Sometimes its hard to relate to certain family members, but it is your life. It will be better in time.
Sorry I missed this post yesterday, but I am thinking about you, and know this will cause some mixed emotions for a few days. However, I think you are going to feel a huge burden lifted off of you, and will start living your own life more now than ever. Remember that family comes in all shapes and sizes and when some blood family lets us down, some other blood family and lots of community family will be there to help you out and listen to your heart. You are gonna be great..GG
If you think being gay is lonely now, just fast forward the clock 20 years and even the gays wont want you. As for "cuming out", I think they already knew! I have seen enuf of this faggy world, so I am going back into the closet and lock the door forever.
hey buddy, you said it! Your an awesome guy! Cute as hell too!
But have you done it in a restaurant bathroom yet???
lolololololololololol
I think you have already come to the realization that this IS really a mixed blessing. I think your feeling of relief is justified, and I felt the same way when I finally came out to my parents. I also think that having this venue to posts you thoughts and challenges will make this event a little easier for you.
And as for the comment by German, that is his opinion, and HIS ONLY. Without going on a rant towards him, I will let that bitterness be.
Good luck and ENJOY!!!!
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