Wednesday, April 15, 2009

NO BUTTS HERE. ONLY PIRATES.

I thank you my most loyal fans for always coming to visit this blog and enjoying it so. I get at least one huge bag of fan mail a day delivered to my home by a very exhausted hot model-looking mailman! And I just can't keep up with my email inbox! Ahem. Just agree with me okay? You hard-to-convince doubters! Ye people of little faith!

Okay. Someone please explain to me what tha f*ck is going on off the waters of Somalia! PIR
ATES?!! Can you bloody believe it! In this modern day and age! Astounding! Blackbeard lives! Captain Morgan is not just an alcoholic drink! ARGEE MY ARRRR! PIRACY IS ALIVE AND WELL IN THE 20th CENTURY MATEY! AHOY! Apparently these Somalis have set up quite an effective network there of hijacking ships and demanding ransom for the crew or cargo aboard these vessels. Mind you, the waters off of Somalia are pretty strategic from what I am learning here. Let's take a look at this map here. Yep, the Persian Gulf is near here as are many oil fields and the Suez Canal is also within a reasonable distance. WOW. Why didn't I think of this?! Damn, these Somaliniatians are quite smart! To revive such an ancient profession and make it to the front page of newspapers (<---what are those again?) in our modern era is quite a feat! Of course, that other more ancient profession: prostitution, still has everyone else beat when it comes to making headlines!

Ya know, the Golden Age of Piracy was during the time España held all those colonies from Mexico to Argentina, especially in the
Caribbean, because there was all that gold/silver on board Spanish ships sailing on dem waters back to Spain. Pirates were usually English, Dutch, or French, and in many cases were even sanctioned or funded by those very countries' kings/queens, which were big rivals of Espain and hated her guts for being so damn rich and powerful. Kind of like what's happening to the U.S. off the waters of Somalia nowadays or any other country with valuable cargo! Classic pirates were not known then for their hygiene or literacy skills. They were quite gross, uneducated, and drunken bastards with really bad scurvy! EEK! SCURVY! Happened to them because of the poor diet and all those months at sea. What a shitty life man! Yeah, eat yer Vitamin C and you'll never have to worry about scurvy. Okay? The mythic bearded, one eye-patched, peg-legged bloke we all know through books, TV, film, and that ride at Disneyland is pretty much what they used to look like. I'm assuming that the modern day Somali pirates are just as ugly and unkempt too. LOL! Hey, I once had to do a term paper for a Spanish literature class on classic piracy in college! In FREAKIN' SPANISH! Yeah, I got a good grade on it too! Now where did I put that little masterpiece of mine?!

The Obamas have their puppy dog! AW! BO is his name! This is too much. All this White House doggy cuteness is going to drive me mad! OH MY GOD! Even the dog is black! LOLOL! Black is in! Somali pirates are pretty dark too. AHAHA! Just saying. Love doggy's white bib and socks!

Yeah, me liking this new U2 album a lot; the pride and joy of Ireland are back in the spotlight. I hope my good bud Johnny and I are able to go see them live later this year, for it's going to be quite possibly, the greatest tour by a band ever:


2 comments:

A Lewis said...

The only regret I have for the Obamas is that their new pooch isn't quite as cute as my little Mason.....
And I'm hoping there aren't any pirates off of your California coast as we do our cruise early next month. I'll wave as we go by.

Bill German said...

i liked abbey road bettah