Tuesday, December 20, 2005


There once was this child, a mere 5 years old or so the first time he realized that he was perhaps different. He was a little more of a sissy than usual, and clung to the only parental figure he ever really could depend on: his beloved mother. Then his older brother and grandmother suddenly came to America able to finally escape a deadly civil war, and came to live with this delicate child.

The older brother began teasing him and exposing him as nothing but a mama’s boy. The barely present tyrannical father figure would do nothing but yell and scream when he pleased. The child’s older half brothers would from time to time visit and also tease this boy.

As the boy grew and grew and saw the severe dysfunction that was his family, he turned towards himself and began to discover stronger feelings towards the same sex. He did not know why, but he knew it felt good to think of boys every time he masturbated, starting at a very early age 11. As he grew older, the feelings of shame and guilt increased, as did his attraction. Hatred and mocking of homosexuality was everywhere: at home, school, and in the media. He felt lost, alone, scared, and like a real failure.

Then one day, the now lanky, tall budding young man at age 15 ran into a story about a gay teenager who was so afraid of his sexual orientation, that he killed himself. Inspired by this tragedy, the adolescent decided it was time to admit to himself and to God that this was his nature, to not question it, nor to be ashamed or afraid. No, he was not going to go to hell, nor was he a horrible human being for having these desires.

He finally had his first intense sexual experience with another man at age 18, then decided to soul search some more for the next five years and remain celibate until he was ready to fall in love at age 23 with a wonderful young man, in his first and only real romantic relationship, which didn’t quite work out the way he had planned and has turned him into a cynic regarding love. But he is glad that at least he got to experience it.

Alas, due to many circumstances in life, this older young man still struggles with others accepting him, and cannot understand why people would still have a problem with his homosexuality, but so be it. He has tried his best to love himself and not give a damn about what anybody else says or thinks.

This, semi-briefly is my story. It hasn’t been easy, but here I am.


Bill German said...

I never really had a dad, he left when I was young. I was surrounded by only women. Maybe that is why I am a homo? Who knows. I am now too old to give a fuck now. But it was interesting to read your bio. The scaring of the child becomes the man. Classic Thanatos; I guess?

Mario said...

thanks for sharing your story. growing up is hard for everyone, but sometimes it is extra hard for some people. I had to put up with so much shit because I was gay/effeminate, and to this day I feel like God, or who knows who, owes me something for all I went through. But I also have a loving mother, like you do, and she's saved my life.

Loren Soth said...


Maw. Maw...Maw!

Maw! Maw..Maw memaw.

Really....huh. I see. Well despite certain things....you turned out more than okay. Just be who you are, at least you have good... err.. a circle of friends who accept you and love you.

Just be glad your not alone and that your only friends are stuff animals. Now that would truly be sad.