Tuesday, August 28, 2007


Yeah, so I've been doing PA announcements at work from time to time, like announcing the lunch truck (roach coach) coming into our parking lot around noon right? I mean, I've been praised quite often for my distinguished-sounding vocal talents in the past six years and a half that I've been there. I have an established fantastic reputation as the supreme PA announcer in the whole damn place!

But last week I started using a phony British accent, a lower more sinister tone, or was just being plain silly. It seemed to be lightening up the workplace a bit and co-workers had been laughing and singing the praises of the highly comedic WAT in all his effervescent humorous glory, when yesterday the head clerical administrator walks into the front desk area I was covering, with this distressed 9/11 look on her face and says, "The announcements like that have to stop. It's just not professional."

What else could I say to middle-aged blondie? "Oh. Ok. I see." Inside I felt crushed! Humiliated! The stick is so far up certain people's bungholes that a light sounding PA announcement is unacceptable?! HUH?! WHAT GIVES?! Is my faux-British accent not as spectacular as I thought and instead brings memories of the Challenger explosion to certain people who are horrified by my silliness? EGAWDZ MAN! LIGHTEN UP PEEPS! YA ONLY LIVE ONCE! IT'S ONLY A JOB! IT REALLY WON'T MATTER AS U GASP FOR YER LAST BREATH ON YER DEATHBED AND TAKE THAT FINAL CRAP IN YER UNDIES! ARGH! SILLY DAFT HOMO SAPIENS I TELLS YA! WHERE'S YER SENSE OF HUMOUR?!

Or maybe my comedy style is just not funny. Maybe I'm just not the gifted talented comedian I thought I was. Oh GAWD! What was blondie trying to say? That I am as unfunny as Dane Cook?! Sure, I know I'm just as good-looking as him, but am I also really that devoid of humorous talent like Dane? Watch this clip of Dane. He's mildly funny really, if at all. But he sure is a hot dude I tells ya. I just love it when MADtv spoofs him by the way. Yeah, that clip is here. Oh well, at least Dane is making good dough, has over 2 million friends on MySpace, and doesn't have to worry about no blondie higher up telling him to stop being unprofessional. Alas, so it goes, the life of a working peon like myself amidst this sea of hypocrisy.

But whatever my brothas and sistas! Why end this post on a sour bitter note about the turd office and my controversial earth-shattering PA announcements, when I can just pull out some good retro music from the late 1970s?! It's Paul McCartney & Wings circa 1978 when they was down to three members towards the end of the group. There he is, Paul the genius along with his lovely late wife Linda and Denny Laine. Rumour has it Denny and Paul weren't getting along so much anymore, but whatev! The song rocks! Don't be hating on Linda either okay? So she sang off key here and there, but she was just lovely. Simply lovely! This is beautiful power ballad-type elevator musak if ya ask me!

Turn up that bass and listen/watch to masterful songwriting:


laurenbove said...

oh now I wish I worked with you! We'd be in suuuuuuch trouble all the time.

Blondie's a power hungry no talent and cant recongize a harmless event from the hairs on her nipples.

love you baby!

Gary said...

I hope that just because of this one sour puss you did not stop enjoying yourself. It seems like more people enjoyed your voices than not so do what you need to do baby.

I have never heard of Dane Cook but from what I saw in that clip I don't think he is all that.

Gavin Elster said...

Wait.. Your PA announcments are not professional but having a roach coach is?

Bottom line. If clients can hear it and they are not complaining then whats the problem. Since she determined that it is unprofessional behavior I suggest you do the announcements as flat as you can. In fact take her to your boss and request she demonstrate how she wants the announcments to sound. That will give you a chance to mimic her. Explain it is your only joy working at this thankless shithole. When she complains about that then suggest she do the announcemet then after a few days complain that it is not professional and suggest she add some background music as the production value sounds really sophmoric.

durante vita said...

A friend of mine was eating a taco and saw a roach in it.

I thought it was just called a roach coach.

I didn't know people really found roaches in their food.

Pod said...

they're all just jealous wattie!
we all wanna be you!

Pod said...

or it could just be that your pommie accent was actually crap.....folk that try to do my accent here all sound the same, and not at all british, tis funny though. it makes me giggle and titter. and you can't beat a laugh hey?

Todd said...

Some people just have to exert their little tiny bit a power to make themselves feel like they're a real person instead of another blondie in a sea of them. Workplace environments are changing. She needs to get a grip.

Never heard that song before, so thanks for posting.

Christopher said...

Sounds like someone needs to get laid...sheesh...lighten up Blondie!...

I suggest you do one of your voice recordings/podcast/thingy....and let us, the people that matter the most judge how "inappropriate" it sounds.

M- Filer said...

Dane Cook is an idiot, but I liked that MAD TV clip. Dark, but appropriate.

Blondie is a CUNT.

sttropezbutler said...


The workplace is a mine field as I've discovered...making my comeback has been really really hard. My professionalism is construed as being hostile or negative. My coming to work daily, doing my job and having the best sales figures is considered "power hungry." Fuck 'em I say.


conclave27 said...

Sorry to be the stick in the mud..... but... it is work. You must maintain a sense of professionalism. Comedy in real life doesn't work, it is ment as a parody or as a biting social commentary meant as a rhetoric.

Yes once in awhile you can lighten up the atmosphere, but in your profession... no. If you want to do comedy, do it at a bar with a bunch of losers who laugh at anything (Faux Pubs are a lil more classier) or get a pair and actually do comedy/acting in its proper place on stage.
These comedians don't have it easy they perfom rehearsed bits in front of people.

Sorry for being a bit harsh. I know reality bites.