It would never happen (due to the destruction of America by the ignorant liberal left vs. the right-wing nut Conservative neo-cons and the fact that I'm gay and Hispanic), but one can dream right?
"Mr. Speaker, Vice President Gyllenhaal, members of Congress, fellow citizens:
Tonight, we are gathered here to welcome the dawn of a new American age. America is no doubt, the greatest country in the history of mankind. But it is undoubtedly torn and sadly broken--By corporate greed, racism, intolerance, conservativism, liberalism, ignorance, and petty divisiveness. The time has come as your newly elected president to take serious control of the devastating situation we now find ourselves in.
Our military is stretched thin and to its breaking point. We can no longer police the world or worry about what other countries are doing or up to. We have meddled enough and been blatantly corrupt for years. No more overthrowing of dictators or the imposition of our ways on anyone. The time to stop our incursion in other's people's business has come. I demand the immediate withdrawal of all military personal worldwide to appease the world's obvious and justifiable hatred of us. WE MUST BECOME AS ISOLATIONIST AS POSSIBLE WHILE CONTINUING TO HAVE FRIENDLY RELATIONS WITH OTHER NATIONS. Our military-industrial complex must be dismantled and used exclusively only to defend our nation's territory in the face of any undeniable perceivable threat. Israel will have to defend itself and so will the rest of the world. I must take care of the territories over which I have been given responsibility, and that's it.
I propose free health care to all our citizens. The greedy HMO system and insurance plans have got to end. I want compulsory free and available work/college programs for all willing dignified youth, and a public school system that is unmatched in the world by teaching our students with only the highest qualified teachers.
English shall be the sole official language of the land, with a strong mandatory emphasis of our citizenry to learn other languages such as Spanish and French, which can only serve to make our people more qualified, well-rounded and educated to rival the already bilingual and trilingual citizens of Europe and the world.
I propose a flat tax imposed to pay for many the ideas I will state tonight. The time for serious reform has come, the time for political bickering is over. Things--good things will be accomplished, instead of wasting our time arguing over who's right or wrong. Justice must prevail, and I intend nothing more and nothing less. We shall be even greater than what our forefathers could have imagined.
We shall keep abortion legal and sanction gay marriage. My fellow conservative Judeo-Christian Americans, I know this is a bitter pill for you to swallow, but let's face reality: our homosexual brethren deserve dignity and respect, as do our women who do not want to bring unwanted and mistreated children into our already broken system. And our Constitution clearly states the unequivocal separation of church and state, and I as your newly elected president have sworn to uphold and defend our precious document. In personal matters, we must always choose the tolerant road, for it is what is right and just. Our personal morals and views cannot interfere with the dignified rights of others--for it is cruel, inhumane, and un-American. All religious fanaticism, terrorism, and obvious hate speech will not be tolerated under any circumstances.
Our illegal immigration problem must be resolved here and now. The border is to immediately close and seal for good. It is after all, the only right thing to do. We cannot continue to allow so many poor and uneducated to just freely come in. My heart goes out to all the world's noble hard working poor, but my job is to govern and help my home. To those already illegally here and gravely intermixed within our system, I offer you just one and ONE chance only to redeem yourselves: you will prove to us your desire to stay by learning and speaking English, holding down a decent job, waving our flag, and respecting our laws. If you fail and commit a crime, your privilege is immediately revoked and you will have to go home to try and resolve your own corrupt government's problems. If you stay here with dignity towards the path of full legality, you can still keep your original culture with family and friends, but you shall be as American as apple pie in our general society.
All death penalty sentences will be carried out within one year of the sentence after full review of the case, petty-crime and career prisoners will be required to work under heavy supervision and do necessary hard manual labor like the rebuilding of New Orleans to appease their crimes, and frivolous lawsuits will be terminated.
Our dependence on foreign oil is over. All vehicles are to become dependent on electricity or other fuel options. Artistic censorship is forbidden. What you do not want to see, you shall avoid, either for yourselves or your children. Our environment is first priority and will not be tampered with, for our animal brethren deserve this land just as much (if not more), and it must be preserved for the future and health of coming generations.
I applaud and will require the advancement of science, including eradicating terrible illnesses such as cancer and AIDS through mandatory stem-cell research and cloning. We cannot sit on our hands and let our populace die so horribly. We must move forward to extend life, health, and ultimately happiness to all.
Our domestic economy must be reinvigorated after its long tragic drought. The encouragement of businesses to manufacture world-class goods MADE IN THE USA must be a priority in order to create lost jobs to other countries such as China and India. American cars and products will be the envy of the world once again as they were back in the 1950's--made by American hands and technological ingenuity.
The political bickering is over. All politicians will be held accountable for how they serve their constituents. There is no more room for blatant leftist liberalism or hand-outs. No more ACLU, ethnic rights groups, affirmative action, socialist labor unions or a free meal ticket. Make no mistake, we will not and cannot tolerate racism in any form, but must require that all work for what they want to accomplish regardless of race, gender, creed, background, disability, and sexual orientation. The racial sins and other intolerant mistakes of our past cannot continue to burden us as we move forward towards the future.
The conservative right too, will be dead after tonight. There is no more room for the intolerance, hatred, and frightening unhealthy display of nationalism over the last few years. We were all created equal right? Our glorious Declaration says it so. The time to disarm and end the nuclear and personal gun owning race is now. Violence of any form in our great land will not stand.
I, your new humble servant MODERATE president has promised you this and so much more. The work ahead is difficult, not impossible. The task at hand is worthy, dignified, and what will impel us to move forward. We shall be the shining beacon the world has always known, only better, because we will have learned from our mistakes throughout our history, instead of repeating them.
A good night to you all, thank you, and may God bless THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA."