Friday, March 24, 2006

WAT REVIEWS: "THE WIZARD OF OZ."

America has been shoving The Wizard of Oz down children’s throats for decades now! This "supposed" film classic is considered one of the greatest films in history and appropriate for all ages!

Well no sir! NO NO NO! Follow tha Yella Prick Road-- I think not! The Wizard of Oz is not appropriate for our snot-nosed bratty mini-humans! FUCK NO!

After careful brainstorming, analysis, and one too many drinks tonight, here’s why I believe this film should be rated R...if not XXX! If we can all come together on this, we can probably even ban this filthy film forever! A masterpiece of perdition!

The film starts out with a spoiled brat named Dorothy who does nothing but play pranks and misbehave the whole God damn day with her silly furry mutt named Toto. She has a real sweet life in Kansas while her Uncle Henry, Auntie Em, and the farmhands work like dogs just to keep the fuckin’ farm going. One of the farmhands is obviously smitten with Dorothy and probably bangs her in the pigpen when no one’s looking. I mean, the spoiled bitch falls at one point into the pen and is pornographically rescued by this farmhand, who coincidentally looks like the hay-filled dancing rag doll that appears later in the film. Uh huh.

Dorothy is disrespectful to her elders, including oogly Ms. Gulch, and has the nerve to run away (without any birth control mind you) once she has her hands on sweet li’l Toto again and goes and visits a psychic/fortune teller of sorts who is nothing more than a God-hating SATANIST. Her delving into the occult is scandalous I tells ya! She conveniently runs back home because she really sucks as a runaway, when JESUS MARIMBA, a God damn whirling dangerous FUCKIN’ tornado is on its way to blow down the little piece of land these honkies own. Hell, since spoiled Dorothy abandoned them, Uncle Henry doesn’t even think twice about shoving everyone into the basement, even as Auntie Em screams frantically for her. But who cares? Let the little bitch die right? And her little dog too! AHAHAHAAHAHAHAH!!

Well, this is the part of the movie where Dorothy runs into the house and supposedly gets knocked in the head by the window or something and goes unconscious. NA AH. No sir. What we’re not told is that the skank actually drops some LSD at this point to rid herself of the fear of what is happening to her body. In my humble opinion, the tornado represents Dorothy’s descent into puberty--in other words, her fuckin’ period! She cannot deal with this fact, and being a teenager torments her( like many of us), so she can only deal by hallucinating. Good for you Dorothy! Way ta go you li’l brat!

Well, it does not take long for her black and white dull world to finally land with a sharp drop into the Wonderful Merry Old Land of Oz! Uh huh indeed! She can now see in color mind you! The trip this bitch experiences is beyond anything John Lennon could’ve imagined, even in his song Tomorrow Never Knows.

This is a beautiful place, much nicer and more pleasant than boring as hell cracker-infested Kansas! No KKK here, but tons of pretty flowers, streams, and little drunken people to have massive sex orgies with! And just great! She’s landed on some supposed fuckin’ c*nt with ruby red slippers! Those ruby red slippers are nothing but symbolism for...YOU GOT IT!–breast implants. Glinda, the Good Pimp of the North gives Dorothy some hot new titties, disguised as ruby red slippers of course!

Out of nowhere, Dorothy’s hallucinations begin to get weirder and weirder. The Wicked Bitch of the West wants Dorothy’s ruby red boob...I mean, er...slippers, Dorothy has to follow the Yella Brick Road, she sings and hops like a crazy woman and ends up meeting an epileptic called the Scarecrow who becomes her hot lover in this drug trippy world. She meets two more dudes along the way, both homosexuals, one Tin Man, and another Cowardly Lion.

Scarecrow wants a brain because all he’s good for is shagging Dorothy who uses his cock for her pleasure. The Tin Man wants a heart, because he’s tired of sleeping around like the fag that he is and wants to settle down once and for all with a dude instead of Brokebacking with so many. Meanwhile, that Cowardly Faggoty Fag Lion just plain needs courage because he’s a big giant sissy period. Get some balls man you furry supposed King of da Jungle! MAN!

They all hop, skip, and dance their way through this sickening nightmarish world complete with plenty of hardcore pornographic sex scenes and tons of racism!

Yes. RACISM! You see folks, The Wicked Witch of the West is really a smelly suicide-bombing Arab in disguise. It is implied that this filthy evil terrorist green bitch does not bathe, but what eventually kills her? Hmmm? Yes, a bucket full of water! And the Jews are also misrepresented as the apple trees! Those filthy cheap apple tree Jews right Dorothy? U try to take an apple and see what they do? And don’t even git me started with my hip hop brothas and sistas! FLYING MONKEYS?! THAT IS JUST PLAIN OUTRAGEOUS! DOROTHY IS ONE TWISTED AND ADDICTED REDNECK IN SERIOUS NEED OF HELP!

Oh, the great and powerful Oz is nothing but a poor old senile man in desperate need of Viagra and with a sad and serious advanced case of Alzheimer’s. She even hallucinates doing more drugs in the field of poppies, the horse of a different color is obviously radiation poisoning, and the Wicked Witch of the West’s guards are non-English speaking Mexicans who don’t hesitate in giving Dorothy the broomstick she so desperately needs to get back home.

What an ingrate! Turns out she had the power to go home all along (yeah a serious stomach pumping) in her booby slippers and click those heels together u moron and back in boring black and white Kansas she comes back to once more, being nursed back to health by all the hard-working white people she could not stand and hated.

"There’s no place like rehab..."

For these reasons, I ask the people of this great nation to ban this most insidious motion picture, or at least give it the proper rating!

Such trash in the minds of our little ones really disturbs me!

8 comments:

Mario said...

Man... like they say, you crack me up. God, this movie is even better than I had thought. Thanks for the insight...

Mikey said...

Well there is the popper field. Try playing Pink Floyds Dark Side Of The Moon with it. It goes pretty well if you start it right. Hmmmm?

Loren said...

A duh......

Most children fantasy tales are not suitable for children by societie's standards.

This can be said about the majority of all fairy tales if you look at them closely. Would it zurprise you that Baums epic would be no less frightful?

Todd said...

What a severe social statement! Very cool. We all need to save our children from corrupted and liberal Hollywood and your steps toward censorship are commendable. Please pass this on to the White House...

ScottyFerguson said...

Now that was the best post I've read all month. You are one funny sonofabitch!

Marko said...

This agrument has been going on for years, lol! You are too funny!!

GirlGoyle said...

Off to see the Wizard....will never be the same again after this posting. Great job!

sttropezbutler said...

If I only had a brain, perhaps I could be 1/10 as funny as you!

STB