Yes folks. GOOD HAS TRIUMPHED OVER EVIL! The narcissist got dumped, but claims it was a mutual break-up. Of course! He never admits defeat. EVER.
An email I sent to a friend generally describing (more or less) events last week:
I saw him Tuesday. he thought he was gonna be slick and act like nothing happened. But I had to vent. AND VENT I Did. He came to pick me up and took me to his place. I told him I wasn't gonna give him any and yet he kept insisting the f*cking douche. On our way back home he kept lamenting like a child "Things are so broken now between us, I wish they were back the way they were..."
"Yeah" I says, "guess who broke it? Guess who ruined it? YOU. YOU DID. and you expect me to act as though my last five months of suffering did not happen?!" He tried so hard to defend himself and made very few valid points, but in the end, I chewed him out like you have no idea. I walked out of that car triumphant. I really did. It was marvelous.
He even called me to say he wanted to hug me as I left the car, but was a bit angry at me for chewing him out the way I did. And I saw the bruises on his body from a fight he had with his now ex just days ago. How horrid.
Yes, no sex. He tried so hard. "You think you're that irresistible?? I already told u I am not having sex with you before u picked me up tonight. And here u are fondling me and I'm in this bed where u and your last victim (his now ex that has been through worse than me) screwed and fought and it just makes me sick really. I should not have even known about your ex or spoken to him but u tried cheating on him with me and got caught about a month ago. Do u see the horror of your ways? How terribly narcissistic and disordered u are?"It was truly priceless.
"You have to accept your responsibility in this too! You are not a victim! I am not a villain! Why are you psychoanalyzing me?!" --The narcissist
"Yes u are correct on some level, but the fact is you are a mean cruel a**hole and you know it. And I did not deserve that, because all I did was tell you I cared about you, and you took advantage of that and ran with it. Sorry if I have changed or am not the same, but what do you expect? And why do all your lovers and ex's seem to end in such terrible dysfunction?! Something is wrong here and I don't think you are being fair or aware of what it is YOU are doing to screw things up. You are almost 36 and yet you don't get it."
All that time last week, he'd been in hot pursuit of his ex too and getting neither him nor me to respond to his silly desperate attempts at getting laid. The narcissist found out I told the ex everything that happened last week and that was the final blow to his ego! In a series of text messages he proceeded to try and hurt me one last time: "He was MY boyfriend! You talking to him behind my back?! You are pathetic and I never dated you because you are embarrassing and I only had you come here under the cover of dark, because I would never introduce you to my family. You sad sack of sh*t. F*ck you forever!" Yes folks, he only saw me as an object, and his confession says it all.
WAT replied: "Pathological malignant narcissism as I have told you already! You are an amazing case study! You are an awful, abusive, controlling, manipulative, lying monster. I am so over you, and I know this because last week I rejected you and it felt tremendous; frankly you disgust me now. I can see right through you like never before and it is empowering. Get help, go to therapy."
And so there it is! THE END! THE END TO MY NIGHTMARE! My tears are over! I feel redeemed! Proof that this guy was and still is the problem! I did care for him a great deal once, but no more! He killed it completely! His ex says he wants to meet me eventually; says that when he and I compare notes, it is remarkable how much our emotionally abusive stories match.
I have carried on and on about this ordeal, but all I have to say is, anyone who has never fallen for a true evil narcissist has no idea how harrowing and truly traumatizing it is. This is why I almost lost my sense of self-worth and felt so distraught these past few months--these psychopaths really get under your skin when you are unaware; one is trulya victim of these parasites. But now I am well-read and much too aware. Knowledge truly is power.
So the world's second largest economy is now China. Yeah well, this is not a big surprise I guess, since a lot of the junk we buy nowadays seems to be made there. Well, good for you China! Everyone around the world is racing to be like the United States and to mimic the standard of living we perfected, but I dunno if this is a good idea. I mean, it's overpopulated and if every human being is to live with all the comforts possible, I don't know if this planet can support it. They say the greatest most precious resource in the near future is going to be fresh water. Can you believe it? WATER! YIKES! And if ya look at the latest unemployment figures, they are horrendous! This is not a recession, and why they keep saying that is f*cking irritating. This is a major economic depression folks and even though I have a decent job at the moment, it annoys me to even go there. LOL! I spoke to someone recently and I had mentioned that I really felt America was going to collapse economically within the next few years simply because we are broke, but he proceeded to tell me I was a negative a**hole. AHAHAHHAHA! Yeah, maybe I am but then again I'm having a great year remember? Sometimes I really wish I was a cute little dog in a nice home without a true care in the world...
I watched a lot of Julia Childthis weekend. My bud has these DVD's where she cooks up a storm with Jacques Pépin. I had no idea all this time that Julia was American; I thought for sure this woman was British, but she was born in Pasadena, CA of all places! WOW! She spoke funny. LOL! She was quite witty and charming too. Not a care in the world for the dishes to be health-conscious at all; the woman uses more butter and eggs than I could keep up with, but man did that food look GOOD! I say why not? Ya only live once right? Julia lived 91 years, not a bad run at all and she must've eaten some really damn good food during her lifetime. I have yet to see the Meryl Streep movie, but I will sometime soon I suppose.
I'm thinking of changing this blog's template/look sometime soon. I'm also thinking of going on a blog vacation/hiatus while I try to clear my brain. I have neglected to visit so many of your blogs my friends. I feel bad, I truly do, but my mind is overburdened and underpaid. LOL! Ya know, I need to join a cheap gym or something to work out all the toxic negativity. Would be nice if I had an expert personal trainer but those are so expensive and the one time I had one I thought I was going to die. I have really awesome ideas and solutions, but I always fail to set them in motion or put my life in true order. Then again, whose life is really in order?! It's mid-August already, and the hot weather has been virtually non-existent. This is quite surprising and welcome I suppose, but something feels out of place and off really.
Did I tell ya I went to see Ringo Starr in concert this past Saturday? I got complimentary tickets from the nicest bartender at my karaoke bar on Mondays, and I was a bit skeptical and blah about going and all, but off to the Greek Theatre my bud and I went and it was actually quite enjoyable. All these other dudes with a hit or two once upon a time on the charts were part of the band such as Edgar Winter, Gary Wright, and Rick Derringer. The crowd was most enthusiastic and the venue is really beautiful. And I got to see my second living Beatle! Ringo is actually very charming and funny, I can see why the other bandmates loved him so much since his ego was much more grounded than the other Beatles. Here's a small clip of the show. Okay, so it was no Paul McCartney concert, but it worked for me okay? HA!
This movie stands as one of my all-time childhood favorites. John Williams' score won an Oscar, and rightfully so; the music was truly masterfully composed and used in the film to great effect:
I'm not a drug addict, but I have terrible demons apparently! GO FIGURE! Hey, it is an existential blog is it not?
I'm super sensitive and very impressionable. I just don't think I ever grew up. No wait. I KNOW I NEVER GREW UP. My mom was very overprotective, but I understand; my father was non-existent really, and when he was around, he was a nightmare. YIKES. The man was emotionally and physically abusive! Anyway, I've been heavily battling depression this year as you may have read. My job, my love life, and now the possibility that I may lose my dwelling? The only thing I really wanna be able to deal with first and foremost is to heal my broken heart. I've made progress don't get me wrong, but sometimes I think back to my sappy ass pathetic dramatic hopeless crush on that mediocre putz, and I do get down. UGH. I know, I know, it will just take time they all say. I often wish we human beings did not have to go through these trials/tribulations. Everyone says you learn a lesson though. Oh really? How nice. I appreciate all the suffering just to learn a f*cking lesson or two. NOT. Why does it have to be this way dawg?! I mean, YEESH! Okay, okay. All of us go through this journey in one way or another, and life is just painful at times I'm afraid. Be optimistic WAT, think positively. Um, okay. Whatever.
How nice to see the overturning of Prop 8 here in my home state, but I think the celebrations are a bit premature. The ugly religious right groups and other closed-minded folk will fight this with appeals and it will more than likely head all the way to the Supreme Court where interestingly enough, there are now three women! Anyway, I'm not all crazy about marriage and crap, but the principle of society as a whole not being homophobic is what I support. When people oppose gay marriage, it's as if they're against gays and lesbians no matter what. Lemme tell ya, life is hard enough, but when one is born and has to face a sexual orientation that has been oppressed by the straight majority, it is one tough existence. Add to this the prejudices and stupid views by homosexuals against each other, and you've got a REAL hurdle! Gays can be some of the meanest, cattiest, and horrible people towards each other--you don't have the right look, clothes, or God forbid you even have HIV! But I digress...
This show never ceases to amaze me, to make me laugh, to forget about my dark and painful thoughts. I loved it as a teenager, and I still love it today; even my 12 year-old niece says she likes it:
Somewhere in Pasadena earlier this week, my Hungarian bud and I went to karaoke! I can sing much better than this, but I was buzzed okay? Enjoy! Laugh! Mock me if ya will! WE HAD A BLAST:
Monday was my birthday. And guess what I did?! I WENT TO THE DMV! To renew my license! YIPEE! It was a blast! I saw about two or three hotties there and the rest were really ugly people. LMAO! I know, I'm going to get ugly too as I get older; me and my a**hole comments and all. I'm still heartbroken. I don't even know why. I looked at myself in the mirror with a fresh new haircut recently and I think I look pretty damn hot if ya ask me and I've caught dudes checking me out lately in public. No joke. Monday was also the SEX, I mean, SIX year anniversary of this blog. That's right kids. So two milestones on the same day! AIN'T THAT A F*CKING KICK IN THA HEAD?! OH MY GOD--I AM SO BRIMMING WITH JOY AND COMPLETE HAPPINESS RIGHT NOW! ONLY A WORLDWIDE ALL-OUT NUCLEAR WAR WOULD MAKE IT EVEN BETTER!
I actually had my Hungarian bud play the Céline Dion Vegas show on DVD which I'd never watched, and it has got to be one of the cheesiest most horrid things I have ever had to view. It's just GOD awful and strangely entertaining at the same time! LOLOL! Seriously, I think Céline has an awesome voice and deserves all her amazing success because she really seems like a very humble sweet woman from very modest roots, but damn this show is excruciating at times to sit through! HA! Her backup dancers are quite irritating and corny, although I have to say the show seems to pick up a bit towards the end and stuff. But who am I to criticize or talk sh*t when the bitch was a huge success at Caesar's Palace and she has more money than God, so WHATEVER WAT! Now she's expecting twins, and will return to Las Vegas I believe sometime in the near future. And she's in love with an 80 year-old! Wish I could find true love in a senior citizen, but it's just not working for me I'm afraid. I get to go to my nifty awesome-paying tremendously exciting scintillating cubicle job while Céline just made the amount I make a year in less than a nanosecond. Good Lord Almighty.
It's the obscure songs that made The Beatles so damn amazing; not the hits, but the hidden gems! John Lennon wrote songs effortlessly:
The heat has finally hit L.A. and with a terrible vengeance too.
Some of ye kids want to get violent on my ex, but that is NOT the answer. I mean, I won't deny that I'd like to deck him, but I do love him; sadly he has a terrible almost incurable disorder. Narcissism is selfish, controlling, hurtful, and highly toxic. You heard about Mel Gibson's horrible tantrums right? THAT'S NARCISSISM IN ALL ITS AWFUL HORRID GLORY. To the victims like me, it is a nightmare because the original charming person we fell for is gone, but to the one who is causing it, it will ultimately prove to be self-destructive, for he will end up alone. As of now, he hates me and has banished me forever, and this makes me feel awful (which is his intent), because I don't deserve it ya know? All I've done is called him on his terrible behavior and gone off on him for being such an a**hole, and so he got caught trying to cheat on the new doormat BF and now I'm the enemy. Why should I even f*cking care what he thinks of me? Why do I allow him to emotionally manipulate me like this?! WHY DO I SUFFER OVER YOU?! I'm walking around like a zombie now, functioning on automatic pilot. I don't want to get out of bed at all. I go to work when I can, and all I do is sob. And all everyone says is STOP IT ALREADY! Okay. Sure. I'll just pull out a Harry Potter wand and make it all magically go away. There I lay late at nights, and feel a tremendous pull and attraction towards him sometimes, as if he is connecting with me psychically wanting to be with me, but not having the courage enough to ever give in. Am I projecting my emotions on him? OR ARE THIS FOOL AND I REALLY COMMUNICATING? He still wants me. I know it. I F*CKING KNOW IT. I CAN FEEL IT. I want to move on, but it's so tough. Worst moment of my life ever. EVER. If you dislike me as a person, you can rejoice/enjoy my misery, because it is serious. SO DEEPLY PAINFUL. :(
25 years ago this week, Live Aidwas held and guess who stole the show?! QUEEN of course! Freddie Mercury had thousands of fans at Wembley Stadium in the palm of his hand:
Please visit my beloved bud's new blogs so you can help him with traffic and ad revenue okay? You promise me you'll do that before you continue reading the SUCKITUDE that is my life? Spread the word-- here are his two new blogs, one which he swears details his experiences with alien abductions:
Do you know that I sent out a silly mass cell phone text on July 4th wishing everyone a HAPPY F*CK THE BRITISH DAY! Yeah, I mean, I love the British, but I thought it was something fun and witty, and I got generally positive feedback, EXCEPT... I did not notice I had accidentally texted it to: THE NARCISSIST. And his amazing reply? After trying to fake apologize to me last week and being evasive about his new BF to get me into the sack, then getting caught by the BF, and involving me in the stupid process, they're both fine and dandy and guess who the bad guy is now? THE CRAZY SICK TWISTED ONE? ME OF COURSE! "F*CK YOU FOREVER AND LEAVE ME AND MY BF ALONE. ERASE MY NUMBER." Ya know folks, I had never in my life known what it was like to have that feeling where you swear someone just punched you in the gut and you literally had to bend down to crawl and grasp for the floor in horrible pain, but that is exactly what I felt as I read his final monumentally giving and loving text message. I literally, QUITE LITERALLY almost threw up. That's right. No responsibility, no accountability. I'm the enemy. Well sure, I had to talk sh*t about you to the new guy, but surely he relayed it all back to you to deny it and sweet talk you into staying. This is one sick twisted world folks. No doubt about it. And my one crime? CARING ABOUT YOU. Uh huh. LOVING YOU. How sweet. How very f*cking sweet. Narcissism has effectively and profoundly scarred me for life. My friends and co-workers just don't get it, but I DO, and any other survivor of the emotional Holocaust it is to deal with this evil personality disorder cannot deny how horrid it all truly is. My father was the worst of them all, and now this bitter utterly cruel experience with the dude I was really into, where I have shed enough tears to fill a f*cking ocean and write at least 20 hit songs. YOUR LOSS BABY. DEEP DOWN INSIDE, I KNOW YOU MISS MY HOT C*CK TREMENDOUSLY YOU DUMBASS F*GGOT. And call me crazy, but I can often feel HIM thinking about me late at night as I lay here in my own room. You're so into me, but YOU WILL NEVER ADMIT IT. You're too proud, too arrogant, too NARCISSISTIC. I am glad that I never kept my mouth shut. NEVER EVER. He hates me for it. I'm too damn smart. I unmasked his game. He's no match for my mental superiority.
But the terrible sadness and tears shed have left me with no choice but to get closer to God and read my Bible every little chance I get. I can't resort to alcohol or weed really because I'll end up crying more, and if I have too much random sex I feel cheap and worthless too, so really it's in the heavens for me. Yes, if you're an atheist and think I am insane, try being in my shoes at this very moment. It's not pretty. Through an intense prayer session on the phone today with one of my aunt's church members (a woman who has never met me nor has any idea of my current sadness) down in Central America, she randomly and out of the blue told me that God is looking out for me and that it's all simply described in the book of Joshua, Chapter 1, Verse 9. Now go look it up, and yes it did make me cry and actually gave me hope.
Kids, I am so happy to see Spain and Hollandin the grand finale of the World Cup! Finally, two teams that have never won the trophy! It's about damn time! I get tired of Brazil, Italy, Germany, or Argentina always winning.
Interestingly, Spain and the Netherlands have beenrivals historically. Back when Spain was very powerful and influential in the 16th Century; as they were out conquering, pillaging, and raping the natives in the "New World", Spain was also in charge of many lands and territories in Europe itself due to royal inheritance and intermarriage. The Spaniards controlled vast chunks of Italian lands and the Netherlands believe it or not. Spain was fiercely Catholic, but the Netherlands had already been converted to Protestantism. Anyway, a bunch of conflicts ensued, and the Netherlands gained its independence from Spain and became a world power with its own strong military and overseas colonies. So ya see kids, this little bit of obscure history should be a bit useful for Sunday's big game when the two former European powers face each other off in the world's most popular sport. Or maybe like most Americans, YOU just don't care! LOLOLOL! As I write this, I'm watching Joy Behar interviewLiza Minelli. HOLY COW! This is hysterical! Liza is out of her mind! NUTS! CRAZY! Well, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree does it?! Listen, I love Judy Garland (what homo doesn't), but she obviously led a very sad tragic life plagued by drugs and alcohol. Her daughter seems to have lead the life and made the same mistakes her mother did. Liza is probably on tons of prescription meds, and I know for sure the girl has had a battle with alcohol and has married many a gay man too just like mommy. For God's sake, Liza's father was GAY! I like Liza; I think she has been immensely talented, and although nowhere near the greatness of her mother, she has carved her own niche in pop culture. Yeah man, Liza is a legend in her own right okay?
Oh the drama! About two weeks ago, I got a call and was left a voicemail by my ex-lover. "Hi, wanted to see how you were, and that I want to make peace." Well, I rolled my eyes of course, but it's obvious I am still not over him, because part of me felt good at getting his attention/focus again. My rational mind though was suspicious and distrustful as it should be with this fool, and I knew he was up to no good again. Testing me to see if I will reply back and to see if he still has power over me? UGH. Once you know how this narcissism works, it can still be quite daunting and overwhelming, and the best thing is really no contact AT ALL. Of course, everyone just says the obvious, "Ignore him! Get over him! Move on!" Folks, it just has not been easy. I cannot explain it. I never thought I'd be in this situation because I'm pretty damn smart, but I really fell for this f*cker. I really did. Effectively charming and seductive at first, only to pull the rug from under me ever so slowly, and even though I was often and much more aware than most, he still GOT ME. I did not call him back and resisted the temptation to feed/fuel his ego. Good job WAT! Ignore him! They hate that! I stood my ground.
Until Monday night of this week that is.
He texted me saying he was sorry for everything and blah blah blah. "I fantasize about you all the time. Miss the times we had, it was special." IT WAS?! LOLOL! Honestly, you weren't that great in the sack--rather cold and detached and u belittled me constantly and then dumped me for your new boyfriend/victim. So I call him back and start berating him, "What do you want?! Why are you calling me?! Where is your boyfriend?! Are you trying to cheat on him with me?! You're a narcissist!" He could not handle it and told me he'd call me back, which he never did. He could not answer me about the boyfriend, but it was obvious he still has him. The dirty jerk. SICK DIRTY JERK. Tuesday night, I texted him with the same questions I had yelled at him on the phone. And guess who calls me back? THE BOYFRIEND! A really nice Argentine man who proceeds to bond with me in Spanish and realizes he's got a true monster on his hands. All I could say to him was, "You need to get out. You need to leave this man. He is a narcissist and he will destroy you emotionally. He was trying to be slick/sneaky and get sex from me again." The Argentine says, "I know, he's a piece of sh*t. He treats me so bad. Monitors my phone calls. Even punched me tonight. But I finally got his phone and saw your messages. He has said some horrible things about you. But now that I talk to you, I know that you went through the same things I am going through now. He's a liar, cold, and highly unstable. I have to leave him soon, but I have practically moved in with him."
Oh boy. I went off on the heathen with more texts and some of them were quite offensive but true. He could only say he was sorry for involving me and that he had made a mistake, and was going to try and work things out with the boyfriend. What an unbelievable savage! He wished me good luck with my life. UGH. He sure knows how to remain stately and civil with me without ever resorting to profanity, and it drives me crazy because he's still a deeply troubled and hurtful man.
So now I'm hoping/praying the new abused victim WILL leave and dump this fool and take back his sanity. I am rooting for him, because he does sound like a genuinely nice man, but I dunno. He is no doubt in love with him and will forgive him and stay. And the nightmare for him will continue. As for me? Well, I am lucky to not be in his shoes, but don't get me wrong, this all makes me very sad in the end. Part of me is glad that karma has finally began to strike somehow, but it only brings back the feelings I still have for the incubus. Yes, I'm stupid to admit I am not over him. But I cannot lie or deny it to myself. Besides, it's not really karma if he's just abusing someone new. It's just a pattern he enjoys and is used to and will continue to get away with sadly.
Why? Honest to God, WHY?! Why didn't I fall in love with a good awesome guy?! ARGH! WHAT THE F*CK IS WRONG WITH ME?! THIS BASTARD NEVER LOVED ME AND NEVER WILL. OR LOVE ANYONE FOR THAT MATTER! WHY CAN'T I LOGICALLY UNDERSTAND THIS?!
Just what does it take to get a tan?! ARGH! My co-worker said I should lather on the SPF 30 sunscreen and lay out there for about 90 minutes; my front and my backside some 45 minutes each. I did just that on Saturday, but nothing! I guess that SPF is too high. I laid out there in my white Jockey briefs mind you and lathered up the Banana Boat lotion. And there I was in all my skinny glory. And the pool was packed on Saturday afternoon with all kinds of people from my complex. And then out came one of my hot neighbors to show off his nice bod and awesome tattoo on his back. He's got that Brazilian skin tone. DAMN HIM! Anyway, something tells me this method of mine is not going to work. Or maybe I gotta keep doing it every weekend? I was also reading about the dangers of some sunscreens and that many of them contain bad chemicals and that regular exposure to the sun is actually good for you because we all need that Vitamin D and sh*t, but I dunno what to believe anymore because there is so much contradictory information out there! I have honestly not been very outdoorsy since I was a child, and I am trying to be more sun friendly here as of late, but they freakin' scare me with the skin cancer warnings and severe aging horror stories! My mom says I should just be happy with the way God made me and embrace my pale vampiric pastiness. LOL! What kind of a pseudo Latino am I?! Must be that German or strong Spanish blood in my background.
This obsession with muscle in the gay community is starting to make me feel very inferior. But then again, heterosexual women are into muscled men nowadays too. GOD DAMN IT! WE SKINNY BOYS DESERVE LOVE TOO! Okay, it's not like I can't get my own fair share of nice-looking fellows, but STILL! These TRUE jocks don't even give me the time of day! At least not the ones here in L.A. But then again, this is Los Angeles mind you. Gay dudes here are really mean and narcissistic. Have you heard this all before? HAHA! But seriously, everyone claims they're out looking for love or that right guy, but we all have these really sick and twisted standards of what we should be physically attracted to and being picky out here is not an exception, but the norm! What about a guy's personality or character?! I blame the media for this! I really do. The magazine ads and TV and movies for giving us the standard athletic dudes that we all have to be like and only attracted to! I'm quite attractive and I'm quite lean also so there! And I got a pretty slammin' personality to go with it. Oh yeah, and I'm hung. LMAO! Ya know, this British kid is a bit boring, but he makes some excellent points about online dating and I do love his accent! LOL! We are often fooled by pictures of those we see in chat rooms and we would go for more average cute guys out in the real world if we didn't have the Internet and the media to dictate our preferences. Anyway, just listen to him:
I don't know where I will be in five years, but I certainly hope it isn't in the emotional quagmire I find myself in now.
My days of living a sexually hedonistic lifestyle are over. I'm older, wiser, more mature I guess, and my heart has been shattered. It sucks because never in a million years did I think I'd be so hurt, but here I f*cking am. Pathetic. Bruised. Battered. WHAT THA HELL HAPPENED?! ARGH! IT PISSES ME OFF TO NO END. Most dudes I now run into are not my physical type at all, because I keep thinking of the nice 6ft. 3, 195lbs white boy shell that I was so recently into, but so much for that right? He's got a new guy to entertain him and play with, and I was tossed like yesterday's newspaper. Gee, thanks. I should not be so superficial and enamored by looks, and I used to be a lot more forgiving, but I feel like I've been ruined forever into being more demanding that a guy be handsome, and in L.A. these are usually the narcissistic assholes! UGH!!! I feel so good to be alive! My self-esteem is brimming with endless joy! I walk outside into the sunlight and I just don't feel it shining at all really. I am looking for a new job so I can at least actively do something constructive while I mourn being awake, but whatever man. I'm just bummed out. The most down I think I have ever felt in all of my life. You talk about being humbled, crushed, dashed, and kicked to the curb! YIKES! If people want to tread on me and further kick a beaten man down, I'm not that hard to mess up at this point. I'm a husk of my former self! ACK! Everyone says I should be patient, and give it time so that I can properly heal, but I just don't see the light at the end of this sh*tty sewage tunnel. I think all this crying is going to begin aging me fast now. I know there are starving children in the world, but does that even register in my brain right now? NOPE.
Over the weekend, I was morbidly being entertained by this show called1000 Ways to Die on Spike TV. Fascinating stuff really. Stupid people dying in really embarrassing ways. Regardless of the way we go, WE GOTTA GO OKAY? I'll be f*cking honest and further make this awesomely joyous post even more happy: I really would not mind or care kicking the bucket at this point in time. I know I'm still a "young man with so many endless possibilities and hope" (GAG), but quite frankly, life is irritating the hell out of me! Why does everything take so much effort in this dimension?! Why do some have more than others?! WHAT IS THE GOD DAMNED POINT OF THIS DISGUSTING MESS?! At least I'm not bringing children into this world. That's a good thing. I'm helping with overpopulation and avoiding a new generation of humans the suffering that inevitably goes along with living. Or maybe everyone else is really happy and I'm the only one with the problem? AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAA!
Okay. That's all I can say for now. All my shrink wants to do is increase the dosage of my anti-depressant or gimme new stuff to further make me an addict.
Lady GaGa, you're the huge female pop star par excellence of the modern era, gimme some JOY at least in my otherwise pitiful existence:
Do you believe in karma? What goes around, comes around?
A concept we would like to believe in, due to the fact that there are some people out there that really go out of their way to hurt others. They say that even if you do something bad to another and are unaware of the damage you are causing, you will still pay for it eventually. WOW. We must be careful then and walk a fine careful line I suppose. I want to believe in divine retribution. I really do--for obvious recent reasons due to how I was lied to and manipulated by my former "caring and awesome" ex-lover. LOL! Jesus man. Someone bring this fool down from his phony pedestal already. I know, resentment and wishing others harm is not good and embitters and pollutes the soul, but damn it, I'd be lying if I wasn't honest in wishing REVENGE on this beast of a human being. When I go back and think about how he negatively expressed himself about his ex's, I now realize that all his relationships end on a sour note, not because his former lovers were the bad guys per se, but it's HIM-- HE'S the one that ultimately destroys and probably ruins it all. He's the negative toxic force that f*cks it all up. Why is it that I have never felt negatively about any of my former conquests? HMMM?! That's right, I know I'm not perfect and I can be hateful (when you wrong me), but I have never treated anyone with such blatant disrespect or have I emotionally played with someone's feelings to selfishly serve my own. I think karma is true after all, because I've seen it happen with my own mother, and those who have wronged her. Those folks did not end up well AT ALL. And call me cheesy or loco, but recent Bible passages have been popping up randomly ( I SWEAR) when I open the book that say those who look down on or mistreat others will suffer the Lord's revenge/wrath and be humbled. OH MY. We must be so very careful...
I'll be honest. I miss the old Lakers/Celtics rivalry of the 1980s. When Magic Johnson's team used to face Larry Bird's group. Those were the good ole' days and the exciting basketball of that era ("Showtime" as they called it) can never ever be duplicated. Granted, the Lakers are still a winning team and are again in the finals, but it's just not the same. I guess it is fun though to be able to go to my brother's place next door and watch the game with a bunch of crazy hooligan friends of his. HA! Boy does it get loud there. One of his friends is quite brave and is a Celtics fan, even though the fool has never even been to Boston! LMAO! HYSTERICAL! He's obviously in the minority at these current viewing parties.
I went hiking to Veterans Park in Sylmar Monday early evening. It is so nice out there. I had never been and it was well worth it. The mosquitoes attacked me though. EEK!
I found this incredibly interesting websitethat tells ya how much famous people are worth. Just type in your fav celeb's name in the search box and you'll see. Ya know, I'm obviously doing everything wrong, because it is shocking how much money these people make! Granted, I know visionaries like George Lucas (worth 3 billion) and Bill Gates (some 53 billion), have changed our culture and the world tremendously, but I still think the amount of money paid to these people and others for lesser contributions is just downright ridiculous! EGREGIOUS! Athletes making all that money for bouncing a ball, comedians for making people laugh, and fat Oprah for peddling her massive fake BS across the television airwaves. I know that these individuals become their own industries and generate jobs for many others in the process, but STILL! HOW MUCH MONEY DOES ONE PERSON NEED IN A LIFETIME?! IT IS BEYOND COMPREHENSION and it's killing me here folks! ARGH! The middle class in America is struggling and dwindling in the process, and our basic lame salaries don't seem to be keeping up with inflation at all. But politicians, movie stars, pop artists, and athletes are doing very well thank you. I gotta get into entertainment or some sh*t that is going to make me fabulously wealthy, because the longer I keep doing pointless boring office cubicle work that pays a mere pittance, the more worthless I feel! I know money is not true happiness nor does it mean my problems will all be magically solved, but if a reality TV show star douchebag like Spencer Pratt (worth 7 million), can generate that kind of cash for being completely useless and obnoxious in life, what tha hell am I struggling for then?! EEK! None of these people ever really have to work again. EVER. "Life is unfair WAT!" Uh huh, I keep getting reminded of this tremendously joyous fact. These folks also went for their dreams and did not let anything nor anyone stop them (like fear and procrastination which I have allowed to cripple me), so they deserve their earnings I suppose? Another bitter fact I have to swallow. And they struggled in the beginning and worked hard to get to where they are. Yes WAT, another slap to your face, so STFU!!!
Here's a small list of some really wealthy people who are filthy rich and I don't even know why they have so much damn money in the first place, but they do:
-Daniel Radcliffe, Harry Potter himself is worth $60 million dollars?! MY GOD!
-Michael Buble, the hit crooner of the moment, already has a net worth of 13 million and I'm sure it will only grow. UGH! He's awful!
-Sarah Palin has 12 million bucks! For being annoying and divisive.
-Rapper Jay Z is worth some 500 million, if not closer to a billion. His albums sell well, BUT WHY???!!!!
-Jerry Seinfeld hits it big with one successful sitcom (which is not easy), but yet he now has $350 million in the bank for this?! ARE YOU SERIOUS?!
-You don't really see that crazy but once effective actress Faye Dunaway as much anymore, but she doesn't care when she's already got $40 million stashed away. Bitch can look at her nails all day if she wants to and not give a damn.
-Robin Quivers sits in with Howard Stern every morning as his trusty sidekick and the bitch now has a fortune of $45 million. JESUS!
-George Lopez is decently funny, but is that enough to make him worth $75 million! HOW?!
-Dane Cook is so lame. I hate this guy's stand-up act. But he gets rewarded with $30 million for his retarded comedy. YIKES.
-Nancy Cartwright does the voice of Bart Simpson. A SIMPLE VOICEOVER JOB FOLKS. $60 million. Try and digest that one.
I could go on and on, and it makes me cringe and scratch my head. Yes, you can love what you do even if you entertain poorly, and STILL get paid handsomely for it. Imagine this concept. I'll try to sometime by visualizing this in my own head and making it a reality in my own life.
Someone recently wrote me a nasty hateful brutal comment stating I was sad, pathetic, and that I should just kill myself. Gee, thanks for the love, kindness, support, and suicidal encouragement! I hate to agree with them, but they're probably right on the sad and pathetic part. LOL! I'm just not the same person anymore nor do I think I ever will be. I look in the mirror now, and it's as if my eyes have lost their soul or any remaining joy I may have once had about life. Unrequited blind love with a narcissistic dude (who once boasted that he makes lots of money), has left me so broken; I don't see my sobbing ever abating, as it happened yet again Sunday night into Monday morning that I cried profusely once more. I know, I'm like a scratched record and I'm constantly repeating myself here, but it's what's going on, so there. If I overdo alcohol or pot, it just makes me bawl even more, so I can't even escape with substance abuse! UGH! If I had Harry Potter's millions, I could get away from it all and feel a bit better I'm sure with some financial security. Alas, I have to grin and bear my pain/my misery on my own and although I have had wonderful true support from kind friends and my dear roommate mother looks at me with earnest pity and concern, it's still lonely me that has to go to bed at night with this severe painful emotional hole in my heart. ♪ "Sometimes I wish I'd never been born at all..." ♫ Yes Freddie Mercury, I think you were right. Most days, I don't wanna be awake and just sleep. Simply sleep...
How was my Memorial Day you ask? Well, decent I suppose:
This blog used to be more entertaining and carefree, when all I did was bitch about my job once in a while and focused on useless fun facts and info. Lately, it's become the saddest place of them all; I was doing a bit better with regards to my recent heartbreak which has hit me worse than the death of a loved one ever did...
And then my co-worker whom I thought was a trustworthy confidante (more proven toxicity at work) spills the beans to me last week that he'd been secretly corresponding with my ex-lover and told him everything I was going through, detail by detail. WHY IN THA HELL WOULD HE DO SOMETHING SO RIDICULOUSLY STUPID?! MEDDLESOME IDIOT DUMBASS OF THE FIRST KIND!!! He had no business or right to intrude with someone he does not even know or ever will meet in person! I demanded a full transcript of their conversation. Thanks for stroking the narcissist's ego, thanks for making him enjoy my misery, thanks for helping bring me down again. Everyone says my co-worker meant well, but I dunno anymore. What he did was horrible. It has re-opened my wound and sobbing is the only thing I seem to be doing once again. He went out of his way to find the demon on Facebook and email him my recent sorrows, severe depression, and all the horror-- IN EXPLICIT COLORFUL DETAIL. None of my misery was spared, for the soulless coward to enjoy and to help elevate his monstrous imagined grandiosity. And my once trusted confidante (big mistake on my part) even goes out of his way to wish the f*cktard success in his new relationship and a Happy Easter! HAPPY F*CKING EASTER! UGH! The f*cktard replied with the following exact words:
Thank you for the email. I am very sad to hear that WAT is having such a hard time. I appreciate you letting me know. I have not been in contact with WAT for some time now, but I did tell him last week that I was seeing someone else. i felt like it was the right thing to do. I know how he feels about me and I unfortunately have not felt the same way about him. I do care about him and really want him to be happy. I know that the only thing I can do is to leave him alone, which is what I already have been doing. I probably should not have told him that I have a new boyfriend. I thought it would help him, rather than hurt him. I guess I was wrong.
Please take care of him. He is a very sweet and wonderful person and I want him to get well, meet someone new and be happy. He has a lot to offer someone. I feel really awful about all of this. I never meant to hurt him. I am glad that he has friends like you to take care of him.
I am sad that I have played a part in this...
best regards,
SATAN
What a loving nice man right?! Sure. I don't buy his fake concern for one minute. At all. He doesn't even know how to lie the phony piece of narcissistic sh*t. It would help me to hear of your new boyfriend when you told me originally you didn't wanna date ANYONE?! F*CK YOU AND DIE. I did get a text some two weeks ago wishing me well from the incubus, but now I know why; thanks to the secret corresponding and some possible guilt he may have felt! UGH! UGH! But trust me, this lying self-serving egomaniacal monster is as fine, cool, and collected as ever. Such a hot shell, such a nice-looking dude he is, and so polluted and vapid inside. Makes me wonder why I'm so superficial in the first place, but then again, I'm not ugly and all I really want is a cute one with a good heart. Good luck with that right?
I don't think I will ever stop crying anymore. It's happening at work now too.It's so much f*cking fun, I tells ya. My friends are right. I really am the Cowardly Lion from The Wizard of Oz. I am that character. I have no strength, no true courage, no balls to face something like this head on. I'm just mushy, messed-up, and broken inside. This is why I have avoided all this relationship mess for years, because somehow I knew I was too sensitive for this sh*t, and I was rightfully protecting myself.
And then comes August of 2009, and my world is negatively changed forever. I don't know how much longer I can withstand this nightmare. "Get over it!" "Don't let this control or have power over you!" I've heard it all, and yet I can't seem to heal. I feel terribly lonely and worthless.
If the people who truly genuinely care for me are worried, imagine how I feel...
So, due to my recent broken heart and job burnout, I had actually taken six weeks off of work. That's right. I had to withdraw and suffer in private. Oh how I have cried. And cried. And cried like a pussy bitch. But I've mentioned this already haven't I? LOL! I lost over ten pounds while on sabbatical which I have now almost regained thankfully. My recent paychecks were not that bad either; I didn't lose that much money, so going out on psychiatric batshit crazy leave was a very good and sane decision.
Coming back to work though has been an INSANE decision. HAHA! Granted it keeps me distracted and I get to see some cool co-workers who are very nice to me and all, but I also have come back to realize how truly toxic some of my colleagues really are. Y'all know that my mother lives with me and all right? The narcissist asshole that recently drained me of my soul practically; he said that I had to move out on my own and let mother fend for herself. Granted, being more independent would be cool and all for me, but my mom is like a my roomie, as we both contribute nicely to the upkeep of this household. Besides, that piece of amazing wisdom-filled advice (GAG), was coming from a douchebag who hates his own mother and who has a serious horrible personality disorder, so it's worth sh*t.
Yesterday at work, a secretary there decided to push some more of my buttons with regards to my mother being my roomie: This 40-something Mexican woman says I was lucky to be able to take time off, because "my mom supports me." WHAT A F*CKING RAG! MY MOTHER SUPPORTS ME?! "Oh, she cooks for you, does your laundry..." Um, whose money bought the place we live in? Who contributes half or more sometimes to the household? I mean, she is my mom and all, but we're both active contributing roommates really. WHAT A LOUSY COMMENT FROM THIS WOMAN! She's married to an abusive alcoholic and one of her two daughters is anorexic, requiring serious hospitalization recently, so no wonder this bitch is upset at life and has to make such a catty comment at me. As if I live for free and my mother hands me free cash! I WISH! I GO TO THAT FAB JOB I LOVE BECAUSE I KNOW MOMMY IS GONNA GIMME A NICE ALLOWANCE IN THE END RIGHT?! AS IF YOU C*NT!
Envy. Only someone who is bitter and envious can say these things to me.
I have other toxic people I work with too. I think I may go for a transfer of office soon. I don't like my supervisors anyway. I need new fresh tyrannical dictators to watch over me! LOL! But I should be GRATEFUL to have this job right? UGH! If I hear that just one more time... Get with the program WAT. Update that resume baby. Start networking and actively looking. Nine years of this BS is enough!
My mom's former employer is DEAD. They took her off life support yesterday. EEK. All that money. All that fabulous wealth. And yet she was often miserable. Oh boy. Gimme some good cash! See how miserable I am! SPAIN HERE I COME! My condolences go out to her family, her grown kids and all. She was in her late sixties I believe.
My ex-narcissist said, "We all have to die, but it matters only how we live!" Wise advice. Wish he'd follow it. BASTARD LAME ASS RETARD. Another toxic idiot.
I've used very bad insults in this post. But I feel better now. Maybe this blog and the writer himself are toxic! LOLOL!
No, I'm really quite cool. I just express what I feel and am shockingly truthful. Why sugarcoat it? Just hold my hand please...
Hello and thank you to anyone who is actually taking the time to read these words. My enemies/foes and those envious of me are probably enjoying my recent troubles. So be it.
I went to the dentist this week after three years. Actually, I went to my original doc about two weeks ago, but he was trying to do really stupid expensive unnecessary work on me, and I detected this early on, so I had to go in for a second opinion to a new dentist which turned out cheaper and much more sensible. I have excellent hygiene as usual, but my enamel is sadly weak; probably due to my incredibly GREAT diet, genes, and amazing optimistic view of life! LOL! Whatever. They drilled the upper right side of my jaw and worked on three deep cavities Tuesday afternoon. That was so much f*cking fun! I have to give credit to my new Russian dentist though; a truly nice sweet man with a gentle hand. Two hours of open-mouthed excitement. UGH. I vow never to have a cavity again in my life. EVER. I shall brush, floss, or chew sugarless gum after every meal or drink from now on. I SWEAR. I don't like these barbaric methods of dentistry I tells ya. Granted, at least it's not 1600s dental technology, but STILL! I have temporary fillings right now, but will get nice custom-made natural-looking permanent inlays in about two weeks.
Monday night, I went to karaoke, and drank a bit way too much. So much in fact, that alcohol did its terrific job of depressing me enough to the point of making me cry like a child. YES! It felt so f*cking good to shed emotional gut-wrenching tears again! It'd been about a week since I last broke down so severely over my recent mistreatment at the hands ofthat heartless human, but there I was at the bar watching others sing and I had to run to the restroom a couple of times to pathetically weep. But then it got too much for me to bear, so off to my parked car I went to continue my unabated suffering. Listen folks, never in my whole life, have I cried and cried and cried so much like I have in the last few weeks, and my car seems to be the spot where it happens worst of all. Only the good Lord above knows what personal emotional misery I have been through. I'm not any more special or a bigger victim than other souls who have endured or are going through worse, but it feels so awful and so lonely during those moments, that I do feel like the saddest most abandoned person on the planet. Have you ever felt like this? I'm sure you have. We all have. Oh life, can't you just be fun and games? Hedonistic joy? Why must you torment me with these ridiculously sad tragic-feeling moments? I hate my job, I hate having loved a worthless evil man that has nearly shattered me, and...
And yet, and YET, I still have hope that the best years of my life are just ahead, despite recent setbacks. I shall cling to all I can, for I'm not finished yet. I AM NOT. However, I can only deal with and bear so much, and I hope to never reach a point of no return. Folks, I ain't gonna leap off a cliff anytime soon, but do I get why people make an exit out of here by their own hand? YOU BET I DO.
A massive breakthrough in the last two days! I have not cried once. NOT ONCE! HOLY MOLE! Am I finally over that jerk-off narcissistic selfish *sshole and getting stronger emotionally?! OH MA GOODNESS! PROGRESS! YES!!! I just wish I'd won that huge lottery jackpoton Tuesday to make it all sweeter...
And so, my wonderful zany crazy friends in Hollywood who always open up their humble apartments to me; they've entertained and kept me pleasantly distracted recently. Case in point: I never learned how to officially swim okay (due to a bad incident when I was around 4), but would you believe my bud from Kentucky got me to actually paddle and navigate myself through a good portion of the pool this week all on my own?! OH MY GOD! THIS IS AMAZING! And my other bud (the "Hungarian" from Kansas), told me I have to just drop my head into the water more, hold my breath longer, and give in. I must tell you, it takes a lot out of me right now; it exhausts me quick because I am still very clumsy, struggling, and fighting my fear of the water, but all told I think I have done something quite remarkable and unheard of for me this week. Just a tad bit sore there with my arms and legs, but now I am excited and determined to continue learning to swim!! WOW! I'm thrilled and feel like something really cool has happened here! Oh, for an easily depressed soul like myself and the added sadness of the last few weeks, this is a wonderful achievement/accomplishment.
A car bomb that did not go off in New York City! Greece in economic shambles! A horrendous oil spill in the Gulf! The U.S. economy sucking major donkey penis still! I want to believe in an optimistic future for myself and all those good folk out there who inhabit this awesome planet, but I wonder--I really wonder where we are headed as a civilization. Humans are amazing creative geniuses at times, but as a collective whole, we are a parasitic and destructive species. What a strange and utterly ironic dichotomy!
I don't know as of this posting, the status of my mother's former employer, but she was involved in a terrible car crash on Saturday I believe, which has left her with severe injuries and in a coma, but please pray for her. This woman has known tremendous wealth and was not very nice towards my mom (almost despotic really) and fired her cruelly after years of dedicated amazing service, but here this rich woman now lies in a hospital. Folks, please send her good vibes. This is a sad story indeed. It proves the point, that not even money will save anyone from a true crisis such as this. It is quite humbling indeed. My mom says Mrs. S was never happy, always bitter, and upset, despite living in a beautiful home and having it all it seems! Go figure. The time we are allotted in our mortal physical shell is truly brief.
Saturday should be fun. Betty White, our beloved little American treasure is hosting Saturday Night Live! The ratings should be tremendous:
Yes folks. GOOD HAS TRIUMPHED OVER EVIL! The narcissist got dumped, but claims it was a mutual break-up. Of course! He never admits defeat. EVER.
