Just what does it take to get a tan?! ARGH! My co-worker said I should lather on the SPF 30 sunscreen and lay out there for about 90 minutes; my front and my backside some 45 minutes each. I did just that on Saturday, but nothing! I guess that SPF is too high. I laid out there in my white Jockey briefs mind you and lathered up the Banana Boat lotion. And there I was in all my skinny glory. And the pool was packed on Saturday afternoon with all kinds of people from my complex. And then out came one of my hot neighbors to show off his nice bod and awesome tattoo on his back. He's got that Brazilian skin tone. DAMN HIM! Anyway, something tells me this method of mine is not going to work. Or maybe I gotta keep doing it every weekend? I was also reading about the dangers of some sunscreens and that many of them contain bad chemicals and that regular exposure to the sun is actually good for you because we all need that Vitamin D and sh*t, but I dunno what to believe anymore because there is so much contradictory information out there! I have honestly not been very outdoorsy since I was a child, and I am trying to be more sun friendly here as of late, but they freakin' scare me with the skin cancer warnings and severe aging horror stories! My mom says I should just be happy with the way God made me and embrace my pale vampiric pastiness. LOL! What kind of a pseudo Latino am I?! Must be that German or strong Spanish blood in my background.
This obsession with muscle in the gay community is starting to make me feel very inferior. But then again, heterosexual women are into muscled men nowadays too. GOD DAMN IT! WE SKINNY BOYS DESERVE LOVE TOO! Okay, it's not like I can't get my own fair share of nice-looking fellows, but STILL! These TRUE jocks don't even give me the time of day! At least not the ones here in L.A. But then again, this is Los Angeles mind you. Gay dudes here are really mean and narcissistic. Have you heard this all before? HAHA! But seriously, everyone claims they're out looking for love or that right guy, but we all have these really sick and twisted standards of what we should be physically attracted to and being picky out here is not an exception, but the norm! What about a guy's personality or character?! I blame the media for this! I really do. The magazine ads and TV and movies for giving us the standard athletic dudes that we all have to be like and only attracted to! I'm quite attractive and I'm quite lean also so there! And I got a pretty slammin' personality to go with it. Oh yeah, and I'm hung. LMAO! Ya know, this British kid is a bit boring, but he makes some excellent points about online dating and I do love his accent! LOL! We are often fooled by pictures of those we see in chat rooms and we would go for more average cute guys out in the real world if we didn't have the Internet and the media to dictate our preferences. Anyway, just listen to him:
I don't know where I will be in five years, but I certainly hope it isn't in the emotional quagmire I find myself in now.
My days of living a sexually hedonistic lifestyle are over. I'm older, wiser, more mature I guess, and my heart has been shattered. It sucks because never in a million years did I think I'd be so hurt, but here I f*cking am. Pathetic. Bruised. Battered. WHAT THA HELL HAPPENED?! ARGH! IT PISSES ME OFF TO NO END. Most dudes I now run into are not my physical type at all, because I keep thinking of the nice 6ft. 3, 195lbs white boy shell that I was so recently into, but so much for that right? He's got a new guy to entertain him and play with, and I was tossed like yesterday's newspaper. Gee, thanks. I should not be so superficial and enamored by looks, and I used to be a lot more forgiving, but I feel like I've been ruined forever into being more demanding that a guy be handsome, and in L.A. these are usually the narcissistic assholes! UGH!!! I feel so good to be alive! My self-esteem is brimming with endless joy! I walk outside into the sunlight and I just don't feel it shining at all really. I am looking for a new job so I can at least actively do something constructive while I mourn being awake, but whatever man. I'm just bummed out. The most down I think I have ever felt in all of my life. You talk about being humbled, crushed, dashed, and kicked to the curb! YIKES! If people want to tread on me and further kick a beaten man down, I'm not that hard to mess up at this point. I'm a husk of my former self! ACK! Everyone says I should be patient, and give it time so that I can properly heal, but I just don't see the light at the end of this sh*tty sewage tunnel. I think all this crying is going to begin aging me fast now. I know there are starving children in the world, but does that even register in my brain right now? NOPE.
Over the weekend, I was morbidly being entertained by this show called1000 Ways to Die on Spike TV. Fascinating stuff really. Stupid people dying in really embarrassing ways. Regardless of the way we go, WE GOTTA GO OKAY? I'll be f*cking honest and further make this awesomely joyous post even more happy: I really would not mind or care kicking the bucket at this point in time. I know I'm still a "young man with so many endless possibilities and hope" (GAG), but quite frankly, life is irritating the hell out of me! Why does everything take so much effort in this dimension?! Why do some have more than others?! WHAT IS THE GOD DAMNED POINT OF THIS DISGUSTING MESS?! At least I'm not bringing children into this world. That's a good thing. I'm helping with overpopulation and avoiding a new generation of humans the suffering that inevitably goes along with living. Or maybe everyone else is really happy and I'm the only one with the problem? AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAA!
Okay. That's all I can say for now. All my shrink wants to do is increase the dosage of my anti-depressant or gimme new stuff to further make me an addict.
Lady GaGa, you're the huge female pop star par excellence of the modern era, gimme some JOY at least in my otherwise pitiful existence:
Do you believe in karma? What goes around, comes around?
A concept we would like to believe in, due to the fact that there are some people out there that really go out of their way to hurt others. They say that even if you do something bad to another and are unaware of the damage you are causing, you will still pay for it eventually. WOW. We must be careful then and walk a fine careful line I suppose. I want to believe in divine retribution. I really do--for obvious recent reasons due to how I was lied to and manipulated by my former "caring and awesome" ex-lover. LOL! Jesus man. Someone bring this fool down from his phony pedestal already. I know, resentment and wishing others harm is not good and embitters and pollutes the soul, but damn it, I'd be lying if I wasn't honest in wishing REVENGE on this beast of a human being. When I go back and think about how he negatively expressed himself about his ex's, I now realize that all his relationships end on a sour note, not because his former lovers were the bad guys per se, but it's HIM-- HE'S the one that ultimately destroys and probably ruins it all. He's the negative toxic force that f*cks it all up. Why is it that I have never felt negatively about any of my former conquests? HMMM?! That's right, I know I'm not perfect and I can be hateful (when you wrong me), but I have never treated anyone with such blatant disrespect or have I emotionally played with someone's feelings to selfishly serve my own. I think karma is true after all, because I've seen it happen with my own mother, and those who have wronged her. Those folks did not end up well AT ALL. And call me cheesy or loco, but recent Bible passages have been popping up randomly ( I SWEAR) when I open the book that say those who look down on or mistreat others will suffer the Lord's revenge/wrath and be humbled. OH MY. We must be so very careful...
I'll be honest. I miss the old Lakers/Celtics rivalry of the 1980s. When Magic Johnson's team used to face Larry Bird's group. Those were the good ole' days and the exciting basketball of that era ("Showtime" as they called it) can never ever be duplicated. Granted, the Lakers are still a winning team and are again in the finals, but it's just not the same. I guess it is fun though to be able to go to my brother's place next door and watch the game with a bunch of crazy hooligan friends of his. HA! Boy does it get loud there. One of his friends is quite brave and is a Celtics fan, even though the fool has never even been to Boston! LMAO! HYSTERICAL! He's obviously in the minority at these current viewing parties.
I went hiking to Veterans Park in Sylmar Monday early evening. It is so nice out there. I had never been and it was well worth it. The mosquitoes attacked me though. EEK!
I found this incredibly interesting websitethat tells ya how much famous people are worth. Just type in your fav celeb's name in the search box and you'll see. Ya know, I'm obviously doing everything wrong, because it is shocking how much money these people make! Granted, I know visionaries like George Lucas (worth 3 billion) and Bill Gates (some 53 billion), have changed our culture and the world tremendously, but I still think the amount of money paid to these people and others for lesser contributions is just downright ridiculous! EGREGIOUS! Athletes making all that money for bouncing a ball, comedians for making people laugh, and fat Oprah for peddling her massive fake BS across the television airwaves. I know that these individuals become their own industries and generate jobs for many others in the process, but STILL! HOW MUCH MONEY DOES ONE PERSON NEED IN A LIFETIME?! IT IS BEYOND COMPREHENSION and it's killing me here folks! ARGH! The middle class in America is struggling and dwindling in the process, and our basic lame salaries don't seem to be keeping up with inflation at all. But politicians, movie stars, pop artists, and athletes are doing very well thank you. I gotta get into entertainment or some sh*t that is going to make me fabulously wealthy, because the longer I keep doing pointless boring office cubicle work that pays a mere pittance, the more worthless I feel! I know money is not true happiness nor does it mean my problems will all be magically solved, but if a reality TV show star douchebag like Spencer Pratt (worth 7 million), can generate that kind of cash for being completely useless and obnoxious in life, what tha hell am I struggling for then?! EEK! None of these people ever really have to work again. EVER. "Life is unfair WAT!" Uh huh, I keep getting reminded of this tremendously joyous fact. These folks also went for their dreams and did not let anything nor anyone stop them (like fear and procrastination which I have allowed to cripple me), so they deserve their earnings I suppose? Another bitter fact I have to swallow. And they struggled in the beginning and worked hard to get to where they are. Yes WAT, another slap to your face, so STFU!!!
Here's a small list of some really wealthy people who are filthy rich and I don't even know why they have so much damn money in the first place, but they do:
-Daniel Radcliffe, Harry Potter himself is worth $60 million dollars?! MY GOD!
-Michael Buble, the hit crooner of the moment, already has a net worth of 13 million and I'm sure it will only grow. UGH! He's awful!
-Sarah Palin has 12 million bucks! For being annoying and divisive.
-Rapper Jay Z is worth some 500 million, if not closer to a billion. His albums sell well, BUT WHY???!!!!
-Jerry Seinfeld hits it big with one successful sitcom (which is not easy), but yet he now has $350 million in the bank for this?! ARE YOU SERIOUS?!
-You don't really see that crazy but once effective actress Faye Dunaway as much anymore, but she doesn't care when she's already got $40 million stashed away. Bitch can look at her nails all day if she wants to and not give a damn.
-Robin Quivers sits in with Howard Stern every morning as his trusty sidekick and the bitch now has a fortune of $45 million. JESUS!
-George Lopez is decently funny, but is that enough to make him worth $75 million! HOW?!
-Dane Cook is so lame. I hate this guy's stand-up act. But he gets rewarded with $30 million for his retarded comedy. YIKES.
-Nancy Cartwright does the voice of Bart Simpson. A SIMPLE VOICEOVER JOB FOLKS. $60 million. Try and digest that one.
I could go on and on, and it makes me cringe and scratch my head. Yes, you can love what you do even if you entertain poorly, and STILL get paid handsomely for it. Imagine this concept. I'll try to sometime by visualizing this in my own head and making it a reality in my own life.
Someone recently wrote me a nasty hateful brutal comment stating I was sad, pathetic, and that I should just kill myself. Gee, thanks for the love, kindness, support, and suicidal encouragement! I hate to agree with them, but they're probably right on the sad and pathetic part. LOL! I'm just not the same person anymore nor do I think I ever will be. I look in the mirror now, and it's as if my eyes have lost their soul or any remaining joy I may have once had about life. Unrequited blind love with a narcissistic dude (who once boasted that he makes lots of money), has left me so broken; I don't see my sobbing ever abating, as it happened yet again Sunday night into Monday morning that I cried profusely once more. I know, I'm like a scratched record and I'm constantly repeating myself here, but it's what's going on, so there. If I overdo alcohol or pot, it just makes me bawl even more, so I can't even escape with substance abuse! UGH! If I had Harry Potter's millions, I could get away from it all and feel a bit better I'm sure with some financial security. Alas, I have to grin and bear my pain/my misery on my own and although I have had wonderful true support from kind friends and my dear roommate mother looks at me with earnest pity and concern, it's still lonely me that has to go to bed at night with this severe painful emotional hole in my heart. ♪ "Sometimes I wish I'd never been born at all..." ♫ Yes Freddie Mercury, I think you were right. Most days, I don't wanna be awake and just sleep. Simply sleep...
How was my Memorial Day you ask? Well, decent I suppose:
This blog used to be more entertaining and carefree, when all I did was bitch about my job once in a while and focused on useless fun facts and info. Lately, it's become the saddest place of them all; I was doing a bit better with regards to my recent heartbreak which has hit me worse than the death of a loved one ever did...
And then my co-worker whom I thought was a trustworthy confidante (more proven toxicity at work) spills the beans to me last week that he'd been secretly corresponding with my ex-lover and told him everything I was going through, detail by detail. WHY IN THA HELL WOULD HE DO SOMETHING SO RIDICULOUSLY STUPID?! MEDDLESOME IDIOT DUMBASS OF THE FIRST KIND!!! He had no business or right to intrude with someone he does not even know or ever will meet in person! I demanded a full transcript of their conversation. Thanks for stroking the narcissist's ego, thanks for making him enjoy my misery, thanks for helping bring me down again. Everyone says my co-worker meant well, but I dunno anymore. What he did was horrible. It has re-opened my wound and sobbing is the only thing I seem to be doing once again. He went out of his way to find the demon on Facebook and email him my recent sorrows, severe depression, and all the horror-- IN EXPLICIT COLORFUL DETAIL. None of my misery was spared, for the soulless coward to enjoy and to help elevate his monstrous imagined grandiosity. And my once trusted confidante (big mistake on my part) even goes out of his way to wish the f*cktard success in his new relationship and a Happy Easter! HAPPY F*CKING EASTER! UGH! The f*cktard replied with the following exact words:
Thank you for the email. I am very sad to hear that WAT is having such a hard time. I appreciate you letting me know. I have not been in contact with WAT for some time now, but I did tell him last week that I was seeing someone else. i felt like it was the right thing to do. I know how he feels about me and I unfortunately have not felt the same way about him. I do care about him and really want him to be happy. I know that the only thing I can do is to leave him alone, which is what I already have been doing. I probably should not have told him that I have a new boyfriend. I thought it would help him, rather than hurt him. I guess I was wrong.
Please take care of him. He is a very sweet and wonderful person and I want him to get well, meet someone new and be happy. He has a lot to offer someone. I feel really awful about all of this. I never meant to hurt him. I am glad that he has friends like you to take care of him.
I am sad that I have played a part in this...
best regards,
SATAN
What a loving nice man right?! Sure. I don't buy his fake concern for one minute. At all. He doesn't even know how to lie the phony piece of narcissistic sh*t. It would help me to hear of your new boyfriend when you told me originally you didn't wanna date ANYONE?! F*CK YOU AND DIE. I did get a text some two weeks ago wishing me well from the incubus, but now I know why; thanks to the secret corresponding and some possible guilt he may have felt! UGH! UGH! But trust me, this lying self-serving egomaniacal monster is as fine, cool, and collected as ever. Such a hot shell, such a nice-looking dude he is, and so polluted and vapid inside. Makes me wonder why I'm so superficial in the first place, but then again, I'm not ugly and all I really want is a cute one with a good heart. Good luck with that right?
I don't think I will ever stop crying anymore. It's happening at work now too.It's so much f*cking fun, I tells ya. My friends are right. I really am the Cowardly Lion from The Wizard of Oz. I am that character. I have no strength, no true courage, no balls to face something like this head on. I'm just mushy, messed-up, and broken inside. This is why I have avoided all this relationship mess for years, because somehow I knew I was too sensitive for this sh*t, and I was rightfully protecting myself.
And then comes August of 2009, and my world is negatively changed forever. I don't know how much longer I can withstand this nightmare. "Get over it!" "Don't let this control or have power over you!" I've heard it all, and yet I can't seem to heal. I feel terribly lonely and worthless.
If the people who truly genuinely care for me are worried, imagine how I feel...
So, due to my recent broken heart and job burnout, I had actually taken six weeks off of work. That's right. I had to withdraw and suffer in private. Oh how I have cried. And cried. And cried like a pussy bitch. But I've mentioned this already haven't I? LOL! I lost over ten pounds while on sabbatical which I have now almost regained thankfully. My recent paychecks were not that bad either; I didn't lose that much money, so going out on psychiatric batshit crazy leave was a very good and sane decision.
Coming back to work though has been an INSANE decision. HAHA! Granted it keeps me distracted and I get to see some cool co-workers who are very nice to me and all, but I also have come back to realize how truly toxic some of my colleagues really are. Y'all know that my mother lives with me and all right? The narcissist asshole that recently drained me of my soul practically; he said that I had to move out on my own and let mother fend for herself. Granted, being more independent would be cool and all for me, but my mom is like a my roomie, as we both contribute nicely to the upkeep of this household. Besides, that piece of amazing wisdom-filled advice (GAG), was coming from a douchebag who hates his own mother and who has a serious horrible personality disorder, so it's worth sh*t.
Yesterday at work, a secretary there decided to push some more of my buttons with regards to my mother being my roomie: This 40-something Mexican woman says I was lucky to be able to take time off, because "my mom supports me." WHAT A F*CKING RAG! MY MOTHER SUPPORTS ME?! "Oh, she cooks for you, does your laundry..." Um, whose money bought the place we live in? Who contributes half or more sometimes to the household? I mean, she is my mom and all, but we're both active contributing roommates really. WHAT A LOUSY COMMENT FROM THIS WOMAN! She's married to an abusive alcoholic and one of her two daughters is anorexic, requiring serious hospitalization recently, so no wonder this bitch is upset at life and has to make such a catty comment at me. As if I live for free and my mother hands me free cash! I WISH! I GO TO THAT FAB JOB I LOVE BECAUSE I KNOW MOMMY IS GONNA GIMME A NICE ALLOWANCE IN THE END RIGHT?! AS IF YOU C*NT!
Envy. Only someone who is bitter and envious can say these things to me.
I have other toxic people I work with too. I think I may go for a transfer of office soon. I don't like my supervisors anyway. I need new fresh tyrannical dictators to watch over me! LOL! But I should be GRATEFUL to have this job right? UGH! If I hear that just one more time... Get with the program WAT. Update that resume baby. Start networking and actively looking. Nine years of this BS is enough!
My mom's former employer is DEAD. They took her off life support yesterday. EEK. All that money. All that fabulous wealth. And yet she was often miserable. Oh boy. Gimme some good cash! See how miserable I am! SPAIN HERE I COME! My condolences go out to her family, her grown kids and all. She was in her late sixties I believe.
My ex-narcissist said, "We all have to die, but it matters only how we live!" Wise advice. Wish he'd follow it. BASTARD LAME ASS RETARD. Another toxic idiot.
I've used very bad insults in this post. But I feel better now. Maybe this blog and the writer himself are toxic! LOLOL!
No, I'm really quite cool. I just express what I feel and am shockingly truthful. Why sugarcoat it? Just hold my hand please...
Hello and thank you to anyone who is actually taking the time to read these words. My enemies/foes and those envious of me are probably enjoying my recent troubles. So be it.
I went to the dentist this week after three years. Actually, I went to my original doc about two weeks ago, but he was trying to do really stupid expensive unnecessary work on me, and I detected this early on, so I had to go in for a second opinion to a new dentist which turned out cheaper and much more sensible. I have excellent hygiene as usual, but my enamel is sadly weak; probably due to my incredibly GREAT diet, genes, and amazing optimistic view of life! LOL! Whatever. They drilled the upper right side of my jaw and worked on three deep cavities Tuesday afternoon. That was so much f*cking fun! I have to give credit to my new Russian dentist though; a truly nice sweet man with a gentle hand. Two hours of open-mouthed excitement. UGH. I vow never to have a cavity again in my life. EVER. I shall brush, floss, or chew sugarless gum after every meal or drink from now on. I SWEAR. I don't like these barbaric methods of dentistry I tells ya. Granted, at least it's not 1600s dental technology, but STILL! I have temporary fillings right now, but will get nice custom-made natural-looking permanent inlays in about two weeks.
Monday night, I went to karaoke, and drank a bit way too much. So much in fact, that alcohol did its terrific job of depressing me enough to the point of making me cry like a child. YES! It felt so f*cking good to shed emotional gut-wrenching tears again! It'd been about a week since I last broke down so severely over my recent mistreatment at the hands ofthat heartless human, but there I was at the bar watching others sing and I had to run to the restroom a couple of times to pathetically weep. But then it got too much for me to bear, so off to my parked car I went to continue my unabated suffering. Listen folks, never in my whole life, have I cried and cried and cried so much like I have in the last few weeks, and my car seems to be the spot where it happens worst of all. Only the good Lord above knows what personal emotional misery I have been through. I'm not any more special or a bigger victim than other souls who have endured or are going through worse, but it feels so awful and so lonely during those moments, that I do feel like the saddest most abandoned person on the planet. Have you ever felt like this? I'm sure you have. We all have. Oh life, can't you just be fun and games? Hedonistic joy? Why must you torment me with these ridiculously sad tragic-feeling moments? I hate my job, I hate having loved a worthless evil man that has nearly shattered me, and...
And yet, and YET, I still have hope that the best years of my life are just ahead, despite recent setbacks. I shall cling to all I can, for I'm not finished yet. I AM NOT. However, I can only deal with and bear so much, and I hope to never reach a point of no return. Folks, I ain't gonna leap off a cliff anytime soon, but do I get why people make an exit out of here by their own hand? YOU BET I DO.
A massive breakthrough in the last two days! I have not cried once. NOT ONCE! HOLY MOLE! Am I finally over that jerk-off narcissistic selfish *sshole and getting stronger emotionally?! OH MA GOODNESS! PROGRESS! YES!!! I just wish I'd won that huge lottery jackpoton Tuesday to make it all sweeter...
And so, my wonderful zany crazy friends in Hollywood who always open up their humble apartments to me; they've entertained and kept me pleasantly distracted recently. Case in point: I never learned how to officially swim okay (due to a bad incident when I was around 4), but would you believe my bud from Kentucky got me to actually paddle and navigate myself through a good portion of the pool this week all on my own?! OH MY GOD! THIS IS AMAZING! And my other bud (the "Hungarian" from Kansas), told me I have to just drop my head into the water more, hold my breath longer, and give in. I must tell you, it takes a lot out of me right now; it exhausts me quick because I am still very clumsy, struggling, and fighting my fear of the water, but all told I think I have done something quite remarkable and unheard of for me this week. Just a tad bit sore there with my arms and legs, but now I am excited and determined to continue learning to swim!! WOW! I'm thrilled and feel like something really cool has happened here! Oh, for an easily depressed soul like myself and the added sadness of the last few weeks, this is a wonderful achievement/accomplishment.
A car bomb that did not go off in New York City! Greece in economic shambles! A horrendous oil spill in the Gulf! The U.S. economy sucking major donkey penis still! I want to believe in an optimistic future for myself and all those good folk out there who inhabit this awesome planet, but I wonder--I really wonder where we are headed as a civilization. Humans are amazing creative geniuses at times, but as a collective whole, we are a parasitic and destructive species. What a strange and utterly ironic dichotomy!
I don't know as of this posting, the status of my mother's former employer, but she was involved in a terrible car crash on Saturday I believe, which has left her with severe injuries and in a coma, but please pray for her. This woman has known tremendous wealth and was not very nice towards my mom (almost despotic really) and fired her cruelly after years of dedicated amazing service, but here this rich woman now lies in a hospital. Folks, please send her good vibes. This is a sad story indeed. It proves the point, that not even money will save anyone from a true crisis such as this. It is quite humbling indeed. My mom says Mrs. S was never happy, always bitter, and upset, despite living in a beautiful home and having it all it seems! Go figure. The time we are allotted in our mortal physical shell is truly brief.
Saturday should be fun. Betty White, our beloved little American treasure is hosting Saturday Night Live! The ratings should be tremendous:
Geez, I wanna walk around with an insanely amazing optimistic view of life most of the time but I don't wanna be delusional either! LOLOLOL! Life sure does burn sometimes man. OUCH. Slowly picking up the shattered pieces here...
These reality shows have oversaturated and flooded our televisions, and it has gotten pretty ridiculous. How did America fall into the trap of watching these horrible programs?! OH MY GOD! WHO COULD CARE LESS?!! I mean, the only ones I ever truly followed because they were fairly original and new in the genre were The Osbournes and the late Anna Nicole's hysterical show. But now we got a whole slew of sh*t on the air that one cannot possibly keep up with, unless you watch The Soup with hottie Joel McHale for a good laugh. The downfall of Western Civilization is upon us folks. We're a nation of idiots, fascinated by what the narcissistic rich and pseudo-famous are up to. The working class, the folks like us that gotta really deal with everyday struggles are not even on these people's radar--they could give a flying f*ck about us, so why should we even invest time in watching their sick vapid worthless lives?! I don't care about the Kardashians, The Hills, Kate Gosselin and her 8 children, Jersey Shore, and the rest of these buffoons parading around with all their BS in front of the cameras. It's sick! THESE ARE SICK TIMES! SICK! We've lost our way man. We really have, and as long as people keep watching, the supply will unfortunately be there. Watch a scripted show or a good movie instead! Sadly, MTV and VH-1 went down the toilet with all this reality trash; what happened to their original vision of showcasing music videos? Ya see what I mean?! Imma get into a reality show, and get my 15 dumbass minutes of fame then. Again, I thank all of those who have commented on this blog with amazing insight and support regarding my recent ordeal. Thanks to all who have texted or called me checking up on me. Thanks to anyone who has opened their home to me and let me hang out while I get over this difficult time. I had a rough time there back in my mid to late twenties when I got hit by major panic attacks, and I think it was due then to being unsure of my purpose in the world and being gay of course. Now here I am in my mid blah blah blah (LOL), and I feel like I've hit a major crisis again, only this one has been chock full of tears and sorrow, not anxiety. What should I do with my life now is the question? What path/road to follow from here on? Shall I keep working at this drone monotonous job? OH GOD NO. Please no more! I must change this, and now may be the best time to do it. Shall I find a nice and sexay dude to settle down with?! OF COURSE! No more falling for jerks! EVER! Mind you, I am a work-in-progress and do not have all the answers, but who does? I just beg God above, or whatever inner strength I have left to please guide me in the right direction. I am a great person, handsome, funny, witty, neat in appearance, charming, smart, entertaining, caring, and sooooooo good in bed. AHAHAHAHAH!
What more can ya ask for?
Oh, this song by the underrated but super talented Incubus;the band that still keeps on giving:
Writing about this experience purges me and hopefully helps warn anyone out there to never fall into a relationship of any kind with these heathens! Do go to each and every one of my links in this post! They are A MUST I TELLS YA!
It used to be so easy to just come and blog about current events or silly entertainment news, but the events in my private/personal life recently as YOU ALREADY KNOW have left me changed irrevocably and forever. SCARRED AND SCARED FOR LIFE. Yes, I know I keep talking about it ad nauseum and some of you are ready to hang yourselves, so if you've had it, click away and go visit your Facebook page NOW. See how easy I make it for some of you? LOL! But if you're still with me and can bear to read yet once more how many tears I have shed over THE NARCISSIST, then read on: I have cried and cried and cried and cried and CRIED. My head hurts, I can't stop re-playing the painful things said to me, and they're now conveniently with someone new! YES! A NEW VICTIM FOR THIS EMOTIONAL VAMPIRE TO FEED OFF OF AND ABUSE! How f*cking charming! Without any remorse as to what has been done to me or the others that fell for your false self! When I feel I am truly missing him, I just have to go and read this astonishingly amazing article to strengthen and remind me once again of the true EVIL I have just escaped. There are poor souls out there that end up marrying these psychopaths or have really long-term relationships only to find out that these sewer rats never felt love for them AT ALL, but wanted someone to cater to their every need; and in the process the loving victim that has given their all is left psychologically f*cked up for life. Perhaps this was my saving grace, because no matter how much I cared for my narcissist, I always stood my ground and pointed out his selfishness, his ego, and eventually his disorder. He must have hated that and saw me as a threat somehow, and even though I am deeply hurting because I genuinely loved him, it could've been so much worse had I truly TRULY been blind, so he had to drop me. Get it I hope? 7 months of dealing with this incubus was not THAT long, but enough to make me feel like crap as you can obviously already tell.
And an even more interesting aspect of this story is discovering why I would even have ever fallen for someone like this in the first place! Well wouldn't you know that years after his death I can clearly now confirm that my very own father was without a doubt the most vile twistednarcissistI have ever known!!! YES! That man that we all mourned, for getting shot in some sort of a bank assault in the old country some 9 years ago was the most selfish, egomaniacal, emotionally and physically abusive bastard to any and all the women and children he left behind. In speaking to my beloved mother this week, she reiterated the horrors that dear old dad put her through (many that I witnessed), simply because she loved him so much. And when you tell one of these lowlives you love them, prepare to be treated like shit. And so, what kind of a male role model did I truly have growing up? Yes, it was this monster, who is thankfully now DEAD. I can't believe I would ever find myself saying something like this, but after everything he put us and all those around him through, it only makes perfect sense. My mother's mother (grandma) may have also been a narcissist, but I have to yet to go back in time and my childhood with her to truly analyze her behavior, although she was a nutcase bitch with us, but a charm with everyone else that did not know her well enough, something narcissists are very good at.
So you see folks: the true muck of my past--my disgusting dysfunctional family background, and recent events with the demon I loved, are all being finally exorcised out my system, serving to make me one giant emotional psychological wreck as of late.
And yet ironically, writing/exposing it all out here for you to read, feels truly quite liberating. I welcome and thank any and all of you for your comments recently and with this post as well...
Lots of seismic activity this year huh? The quakes are strong and quite scary this year...
I am not a religious man at all, and I readily admit doubting the existence of God from time to time. My faith is very shaky, especially when I see all the suffering and injustices in this cruel evil world. However, I also do believe in God in times of terrible personal trouble/peril, and am not embarrassed to pray if that's all I have left to console my empty heart/soul. I know this would piss off some of my most staunch atheist friends to even read this, but as emotionally bruised as I have been lately, prayer has been very soothing and comforting, and quite eye-opening. I just asked my mother a few days ago to tell her sister (my aunt) to pray hard and heavily for me at this time of personal sorrow for having erroneously been in love with a manipulative cold narcissistic man. I mean, these two women are devoted, almost crazily fanatical religious Christian nuts if you ask me, and yet I am thankful and blessed to have these ladies in my life, for it could possibly be through them that I am buffered and protected in some strange way. For you see, not only did I ask them to pray for me, but I myself prayed this week long and hard for an answer, and it came to me in a dream. Roll your eyes if you must, but I swear it's true:
In my dream, I was lovingly caressing the ugliest most vile pet rat you have ever seen. And as a passenger in the car that my mom was driving, I was trying desperately to show this rodent true and pure affection like one would a dog. But the rat bit me. Four times. On the palm of my hand. And so my mother begins to drive the car frantically to get me to a doctor. "It has rabies! It is rabid my son!", she says. "Emergency at the hospital will take too long, maybe there is a doctor that can help you faster and right away!" And so I let go of my treacherous pet, the one I so wanted to desperately love and care for, and it jumps out of my car window and when I turn to look back at it, it grins at me in the most horrendous evil way and crawls into the sewer. It was almost like a horror film I tells ya. I have never seen a more hideous creature. And into the gutter it went, long disgusting thick pink tail and all. And my mother continues driving the car frantically. And who is in the back seat? My aunt, with a syringe, trying to give me an antibiotic shot into my arm...
And I woke up. Now I don't know about you, but this vision gave me the shivers. And it confirmed that I have actually been saved and liberated from a truly damaged person. My love was never wrong, but the person it was mistakenly directed to IS, for he is polluted by his own vanity, he uses others with no regard for their feelings, and thinks he is above others. He was subtle and very slick in doing so, but many times brought down my self-esteem. I am not a victim by any means, but my naivete in this situation was truly great, for I am in awe how HE could even think or operate in such a fine crafty seductive manipulative fashion. He lies and lies so very well. I am dumbfounded and astonished. I know for a fact he has done this to many, and will continue to... Evil is real folks. It really is, and it preys MOST on the weak and noble.
I will pick myself up from this, and am learning a most valuable lesson. As for my once beloved filthy rabid sewer rat, I pity him. I really do.
The road ahead for him will be terrible.
As for me, the healing begins now. My eyes are now truly wide open.
So Easter Sunday afternoon, there was this huge 7.2 quake in the Baja California region of Mexico, and tons of us in San Diego, Arizona, Nevada, and all the way up here in L.A. ended up feeling it. Really strong temblor, and long too, some 40 seconds! I was at my beloved bud's in his bed almost asleep at about 3:40 in the afternoon, when he announced the ground moving beneath our feet. And it just kept rocking I tells ya. The shocking part is how little damage or casualties there were; a testament perhaps to our building codes or just pure luck?! What is certain is how obviously retarded and lame the local news coverage was and always is when it comes to an earthquake--every caller will basically describe what they felt, how scary, and then came thedumbass footageof people's nice pricey homes with the chandelier swinging and the swimming pool water sloshing all over the place. BIG EFFIN' DEAL! Yeah, the newscasters can be so lame really. I really wanted to hear from the epicenter and how the truly affected Mexicans were doing, but it was all focused on upper class A-HOLESon this side of the border. LOL! Yes, a really big one is coming and we're all going to die I guess. Big deal.
And so dear friends, my emotional pain over having loved him and not getting any in return continues--this is now one of my darkest hours unfortunately. It boggles my mind really how a smart rational human being like myself has even fallen into this ridiculous trap. It is quite horrible to get hit with the realization some five times a day or more that this dude I so very much am still fond of will never give a f*ck about me. Yeah, so get over it right?! It's just not happening as easily as I would like to or thought though. And to make matters worse, the man is mediocre in almost every way, so why am I so hung up on him?! He's a mean narcissist, cold in bed for the most part, and possesses the intellectual capacity of a 15 year-old most of the time. He's a dork, and I always told him so, although I wanna change that to HE'S A MAJOR DOUCHE. But here I am. Broken. Shattered even, over this complete turd, even though I logically know how much better I am than him. I tells ya, what have I truly done to deserve this pain? My so-called "friend" used this golden opportunity to kick me while I'm down to tell me I was getting back what I deserved and that it was karma. Oh really?! Well thanks you f*ckface! He's a narcissistic jerk-off too, so of course he'd side with the enemy. I'll have to go to a really good therapist soon to work and sort this all out before I decide to leap off a cliff. In the meantime, I'm trying not to fall apart and cry like a f*cking child while I'm driving or late at night when I get home from going out trying to distract myself from this horrific nightmare. YOU WOULD THINK SOMEONE HAD DIED ON ME! My dear girlfriend in San Diego is going through something similar, so we kinda get each other right now all too well.
And like I've said before, if he ever read this, he'd smile/gloat/laugh out loud in all his narcissistic glory that he'd gotten yet another one to fall head over heels with his "tremendous" presence. Sick ain't it?! Him for being so uncaring, selfish, egotistical and delusional, or me for loving him? It makes no clear rational sense.
McCartney at the Hollywood Bowl this past Wednesday night! Thank goodness the predicted rain never manifested itself. The traffic getting there and in the surrounding areas of the venue was an utter nightmare! I don't think I'd ever seen it like that in my life. The vibe was exciting and my friend Paul and I had to do quite a bit of walking, but we made it to our lovely seats; McCartney had already started the show, and we missed the first five minutes or so. I took some decent pics which I wanna post soon, but it was a beautiful stage, and the sound quality was tremendous. Nice packed sold-out crowd, and at first everyone was pretty docile and kind of out of it, but Sir Paul quickly won us over and got us going with some of his terrific classic rock standards. I can live without having to hear "Yesterday", "Let It Be"or "Hey Jude" ever again, but he has to do those tunes of course. The show ran a nice 2 hours and 45 minutes or so. And although it did not rain, it was pretty chilly. Paul is 67 years old and worth 1.2 billion dollars. WOW. And he can still put on quite a show! The highlight was "Live and Let Die", when my bud Paul refused to believe the fireworks were going to go off in all their glory at the Bowl, and yet THEY DID and it was mighty spectacular as I had predicted. Some highlights here. And here.
But even with that wonderful concert, I'm emotionally exhausted right now. Yes, I did love him, but he was so selfish and narcissistic towards me and never gave a damn really. I was warned by him that nothing serious could ever develop, but I foolishly hoped and wanted it to be so. Alas, it was not meant to be. I'm very sad. I know that I never fully built anything substantial out of this brief tryst, but it still sucks, and I am still reeling from it. Close friends and other people in my life with good advice told me to walk away a while ago, and I had truly honestly tried, but when one cares for someone it is almost blinding--it's as if I had to learn this the hard pitiful way when the other party simply told me to my face recently that they were now seeing someone new. UGH. I almost think he enjoyed throwing that terrible bit of news at me, because some people are just plain f*cked up and mean. It's exactly like that movie 500 Days of SummerI tells ya. I can never watch that film again. Or think about it without wanting to cry like a pathetic fool. I'm not the first, the last, nor the only one to suffer at the hands of unrequited love. But it is happening to me. And I don't like it or appreciate it one bit. It hurts so bad. Why me?! I'm so sorry to anyone else who has gone or is going through this. I really am. Only now do I know how empty, worthless, and lonely this feeling can be. Add to this the fact I am overly sensitive. I wish I had no feelings. Like HIM. If he ever read this post, he would enjoy a tremendous ego boost from it, and be quite proud of himself. Trust me. My suffering means nothing to him at all. This person has a damaged soul, and I had to find it out the bitter way. This makes it worse for me.
If there is a God, I hope he can hear my prayers and help me through this pretty f*cked up time...
Okay! Alice in Wonderland was a visual feast! I got to see it in downtown at the new theater there and the screen was enormous! Not IMAX, but it was still a 70ft. tall gigantic thing! WOW! I like this 3D and all, but it's not something I can do often because it is almost dizzying and the fact I have to wear my own glasses first, then the special ones given on top of mine is quite annoying. I like what they've done tothis section of Downtown Los Angeles to get people to go down there and hang out, and it is nice and all, except some of the folk that are there are pretty ghetto; not including me of course. HA. And I can't forget to mention how unbelievably delicious the food was at this place. MY GOD MAN. Really good food. Mmmmmmmm!
Thursday night, while at my "Hungarian" bud's place, my front passenger-side window was shattered by a goon thug asshole or two! ARGH! Yeah, they saw my cheap satellite radio and just had to steal it, thinking it was some pricey radar scanner or something. Funny because I've left that thing in there for years and my car is looking pretty beat up as of late due to a recent car accident, but I guess it was not enough to deter the thief from breaking my poor little window--there was glass everywhere. Thank God I was a bit stoned, so I wasn't as upset as I would've been sober. LOL! I went home late that night, and had a window repair mobile service come fix it at my job on Friday morning. The Guatemalan repair dude was very nice and doggone it, I think the married fool was even flirting with me! I'm serious! He vacuumed all of that nasty glass out! It cost me an arm and a leg, and I heard all kinds of people telling me I should've gone somewhere else or waited for a better rate, but people always have solutions don't they?! I needed the damn thing fixed right away; driving around like that is just plain irritating and uncomfortable. And Sirius will be sending me a free radio too! YAY! I won't have Howard Stern though for a few days, and it's killing me already!
My Paul McCartney tickets to next Wednesday's show at the Hollywood Bowl have arrived! OH MY GOD. Expensive for sure, but who gives a f*ck?! It's Sir Paul! This is going to be historic:
I think this will be my only post for this week. I have lots to talk about, but whatever. I keep trying to make time to visit all yer blogs and I never do! PHOOEY! We had a nice little quake Tuesday early morn. Oh dear Lord, I rue the day a more giant destructive one happens. It is so unsettling to have the ground move beneath your feet like that. But what can we do? We're mere ants on this Earth. Lots of deaths in our office recently. Three actual co-workers and the relatives of some of our employees! EEK! I am going to have to just enjoy it as much as possible. Too much sorrow and pain in this world. In fact, I'm binging on an assortment of candy right at this very moment that I write just to make life a bit sweeter! LOLOL! Damn good stuff, although at this time of night who knows if my poor stomach can handle it. I'm actually enjoying the more hours of sunlight! Can you believe it? Okay, just enough to light the road on my way home so it isn't dark and doesn't feel so late. Daylight Savings Time does seem to fool the brain a bit and alter one's perception, and the warmer weather we've been having is helping to make me wanna night owl around town more often than not. I had not sung karaoke in a while , and have been recently doing it frequently, now that I feel I have my voice back. Most of December and January I was trying to get over bronchitis, and I really thought I'd lost my awesome singing voice for good! Ah yes, I can still carry an Erasure, Elton John, or Beatles tune. Amen. Look, I'm certainly not the best singer, but I'm a competent one okay? I've gotten hit on just for my vocal talents alone and not being heavily reliant on the giant microphone between my leg...ER! OOPS! My wit is endless ya see? Shut it!
I've been hearing this song on satellite radio a lot! And I really like it. I think the lead singer of this band is Malaysian, but born in Australia:
OH MY GOD! Well I'm such a psychology major all of a sudden huh? I was recently obsessing over Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and I think I may have now identifiedmy own disorder in the process! Yes kids, I am fallible after all! LOL! Now I know I'm anxious and depressive, but it all seems to stem from me having Dependent Personality Disorder! Dependents have a hard time making decisions, avoid jobs that are challenging, hate being abandoned, are very sensitive to criticism, are pessimistic/lack self-confidence, can't get projects started, are a bit naive, and sometimes tolerate abuse from others. HOLY MOLE MAN! That sounds just like me! They say that dependents usually become like this due to having had authoritarian or overprotective parents in childhood. Well, I don't have to look far; my father was a tyrant of epic proportions and in order to shield me from his maniacal ways and that of other nasty family members, my beloved mother was extremely loving and way too defensive of her shy naive innocent little boy. So here I am now in my mid-thirt...ER, TWENTIES having a hard time while everyone else is bloody perfect and has their act together! LMAO! Okay, we're all f*cked in one way or another, but there you go; I'm actually relieved to finally understand myself more here. This isa very funny example of the disorder, although I don't know if I'm that severe! HEE!
I'm happy Cesar Millan is a positive example of a successful Latino in America, but I honestly find him a bit annoying to be honest! He comes across as a bit presumptuous, and don't those impossible dogs return to their normal bad behavior once he's off camera and gone from those peoples' lives? HA! The Dog Whisperer is not Jesus folks. He is not your canine's savior. That aggressive hysterical chihuahua that wants to attack everyone is not going to be miraculously cured by one of his 15 minute sessions on screen. I'm pretty sure Pancho goes back to nipping at everybody and the poor naive owner is left wondering why that stuck-up Mexican didn't change the pooch one bit!
Daylight Savings Time is here ye fools! I'm in the mood for some David Bowie. What a weird genius:
The Oscars were lame! UGH! Thank God I attended a local dinner party though, with four other fun gentlemen, who made it much more tolerable! Our host made some of the most delicious food ever! WOW!!! Austrian actor Christoph Waltz took home the Best Supporting Actor award, and most deservedly so, for playing the heartless Nazi in Inglourious Basterds-- so many congrats to him! And thank God that douche James Cameron lost major awards for his big overblown Avatar film. I just wrote in my previous post about how destructive narcissists are, and James is one of those assholes to watch for. He's talented, but has an ego the size of Alaska! By the way, Jakey G. looked sooooo handsome! MAMA MIA!
How do ya like that stupid California lawmaker who was caught leaving a gay club with some other dude, and was arrested on a DUI?! WHAT A HYPOCRITE LOSER! He's married to a woman and has four kids, and has consistently voted against gay rights in our state! WELL WELL WELL! HOW THE MIGHTY HAVE FALLEN! I think the guy had to come out of the closet finally--the pressure was way too much I suppose, but whatever! I mean, look at him, he looks like a total FAG!
Jimmy Kimmel had a show Oscar night; it featured a very funny skit with Christoph Waltz that has to be seen:
NARCISSISM! Do you know a narcissist?! We've all run into them at one point or another, and some of us have even become friends or lovers with these people. Narcissistsare very charming and gregarious at first, as they suck you into their deceitful world, but pretty soon you begin to feel like sh*t once you've hung around one of these energy vampires long enough. The narcissist only does what they want to do, thinks that only what they like is important, sees him/herself as being really hot (and some of them actually are), and does not ever truly care about your feelings. The unhealthy superiority complex these fools suffer from is serious, and if you are not aware of this personality disorder from the get-go, you're in for a lot of heartache and feeling miserable with one of these beings. They like to be around you to feel better about how great they are, they like to put you down, and generally destroy your self-esteem if you're not adept at seeing them for who they are. I am truly starting to believe that the person I was recently very much into, is in fact, a narcissist. It was always about HIM, and nothing but. ME, ME, and in the end, ME. The narcissist is selfish, arrogant, cold, detached, pretends to care (only to get what they want), and thinks hanging with highly influential or successful people is a must--they most likely have lots and lots of shallow Facebook friends. The narcissist doesn't believe in humility, empathy, feelings, true love, or tries to work with you to compromise; they find you annoying for even showing a moment of weakness or true sentiment. They will drop you without warning if they feel they can no longer use you. The narcissist is always right, attacks you out of the blue, praises him/herself way too often, and can go from being extremely nice to being a royal A-HOLE, in order to confuse and keep their victims in their web--giving the victim false hope that the narcissist does truly love or care about them somehow. Many professionals believe narcissists are hopelessly incurable, but I believe they can change if they recognize their disorder and truly work at it. More than likely, with the passage of time and severe aging, the narcissist finally will begin to see how much he has alienated most people from his/her life and how mortal and vulnerable they are, like everyone else. To learn so much this week about the narcissist has been overwhelmingly empowering to me! If I even want to have a friend like this, I must let go of having any true good expectations out of someone with this problem! LOL! The best thing though, is to rid yourself of these toxic people altogether, if you simply cannot deal with their f*cked up ways. A shout out to my Kentuckian bud for being so insightful into human personalities and their shortcomings!
All in all, I have to reiterate how much of a truly great and optimistic week I've had. I've gone out a lot, been to work relatively on time, and have not felt bogged down by depression or any other negative thoughts which sometimes plague me. Listen people, let me give you some HEALTHY constructive narcissism of my own, not that toxic sh*t I just discussed. I'm smart, tall, handsome, funny, witty, and can get a nice decent hot dude if I really want to. So what's the problem right? But in the end, I also have a truly good and noble heart, and although I suffer badly sometimes because of it, I think it's better than being a cold unfeeling jerk. A true f*cked up narcissist can't be happy can they? They must surely have low self-esteem and be depressed in the end about their condition, about how truly average and mediocre they are right? So many say though that narcissists are probably happy, because they think they're the sh*t. Regardless, I know now what to look out for, and it is highly unlikely one of these people will ever fool me again. YAY!
Just what does it take to get a tan?! ARGH! My co-worker said I should lather on the SPF 30 sunscreen and lay out there for about 90 minutes; my front and my backside some 45 minutes each. I did just that on Saturday, but nothing! I guess that SPF is too high. I laid out there in my white Jockey briefs mind you and lathered up the Banana Boat lotion. And there I was in all my skinny glory. And the pool was packed on Saturday afternoon with all kinds of people from my complex. And then out came one of my hot neighbors to show off his nice bod and awesome tattoo on his back. He's got that Brazilian skin tone. DAMN HIM! Anyway, something tells me this method of mine is not going to work. Or maybe I gotta keep doing it every weekend? I was also reading about the dangers of some sunscreens and that many of them contain bad chemicals and that regular exposure to the sun is actually good for you because we all need that Vitamin D and sh*t, but I dunno what to believe anymore because there is so much contradictory information out there! I have honestly not been very outdoorsy since I was a child, and I am trying to be more sun friendly here as of late, but they freakin' scare me with the skin cancer warnings and severe aging horror stories! My mom says I should just be happy with the way God made me and embrace my pale vampiric pastiness. LOL! What kind of a pseudo Latino am I?! Must be that German or strong Spanish blood in my background.
session with muscle in the gay community is starting to make me feel very inferior. But then again, heterosexual women are into muscled men nowadays too. GOD DAMN IT! WE SKINNY BOYS DESERVE LOVE TOO! Okay, it's not like I can't get my own fair share of nice-looking fellows, but STILL! These TRUE jocks don't even give me the time of day! At least not the ones here in L.A. But then again, this is Los Angeles mind you. Gay dudes here are really mean and narcissistic. Have you heard this all before? HAHA! But seriously, everyone claims they're out looking for love or that right guy, but we all have these really sick and twisted standards of what we should be physically attracted to and being picky out here is not an exception, but the norm! What about a guy's personality or character?! I blame the media for this! I really do. The magazine ads and TV and movies for giving us the standard athletic dudes that we all have to be like and only attracted to! I'm quite attractive and I'm quite lean also so there! And I got a pretty slammin' personality to go with it. Oh yeah, and I'm hung. LMAO! Ya know, this British kid is a bit boring, but he makes some excellent points about online dating and I do love his accent! LOL! We are often fooled by pictures of those we see in chat rooms and we would go for more average cute guys out in the real world if we didn't have the Internet and the media to dictate our preferences. Anyway, just listen to him:
